Monday, January 21, 2013

Where Is My Rainbow Baby?

After having James, Jr. born as a stillbirth baby I was told by many well- being people what we all hear as babyloss moms.  You know what I'm talking about.  Those words that make you cringe...."you can have another baby because you are young and healthy."  Well, evidently my body wasn't healthy enough to even get pregnant again much less give birth!  The only advice I was getting from my doctor was to drink wine.  I drank wine!  No pregnancy!  Why wasn't I getting pregnant?  The disappointment each month was so depressing.  I prayed to God to please help us conceive, but month after month the answer was no.  I thought if I did good things for others God might hear me.  Maybe if I smiled more.  I was trying to move on after losing my precious baby James.  My arms were aching to hold my own baby!  Oh,  those cute little baby commercials drove me insane!  There seemed to be a million of them on TV reminding me that I had no need to buy these products!  Poor James felt the void in our lives also.  He felt the pain like I did each month when I shook my head meaning no baby on the way. 
I just can't truly put into words how much I physically hurt from wanting a baby so much.  I even prayed to God that if there was a sick baby that needed to born to someone, let me be that mother.  I would take care of that baby and love it so much!  Give me the baby that no one else would want!  The months, days, hours were just agonizing.  We were coming up on the first birthday of James' Jr.'s stillbirth and no baby in sight.  I went to doctors out of town for help.  One wanted to do a procedure on me with the warning that I could not try to get pregnant for two months.  It seemed like my only chance, so I had it done that day in his office.  It hurt!  I don't know how I made the 45 minute drive home by myself, but I did.  I was driving and calculating in my mind the next the time we would be able to try again.

Easter weekend came late in April that year.  James and I had plans with my twin and her husband to go away to the beach for the weekend.  We left our home on Good Friday and made the hour and half drive to their home.  My sister had a surprise for me.  She had arranged for me to meet with her OB-GYN early Saturday morning at the hospital there.  He was going to evaluate me.  Her doctor was dearly loved by all.  He must be a gem to see me on a Saturday!  I was all for it!  He spelled HOPE for me!  The next morning my sister drove me to the hospital.  I was greeted by warm smiles and an attitude that I was special and would be helped.  My sister's MIL was there as she was the head nurse of the hospital. She prepared me for the evaluation.  I'm not exactly sure what the doctor did, but very shortly I felt like I was in true labor!  I did my share of yelling!  My sister's MIL quickly gave me a shot of Demerol and I loved her for it!  The exam and procedures took awhile.  As long as I had that Demerol it didn't matter.  The doctor assured me a baby would soon be on its way for us.  There was nothing wrong with me that he didn't fix!  Still happy on Demerol and some to go with me, off to the beach we went!  My sis and I drove on ahead of our husbands.  I remember so well feeling young again as she drove us over the Emerald Isle bridge in our blue mustang convertible with the top down and the music turned up loud.  As we went over that bridge, I truly smiled and laughed without resolve for the first time in 11 months!  It was a free feeling with the warm wind blowing through my hair and face.  I was relaxed.  For a few hours, I didn't think of James, Jr. or getting pregnant.  I was just a young girl at the beach with the sun shining down on me.


  1. That's exactly what you needed, a weekend AWAY! I hope things get better after that wonderful weekend! I hope your rainbow came soon!

  2. I also lost a baby boy named james. Still waiting for our rainbow baby.

  3. Corrie, I hope you get your rainbow baby soon. ((Hugs to you)) Gale