Tuesday, June 24, 2014

When It Hurts So Bad

I remember my first raw year after James Collins, Jr.'s stillbirth. The pain of just hurting all of the time with no relief was unbearable!  The hurt was like no other.

One particular night when once again sleep was evading me due to the pain of loss, I grabbed my Bible and clutched it to my heart.  I fell asleep with it still clutched tight just as a child would its teddy bear or blankie.  My Bible became my "blankie."  I clung to it day and night.  Although most of the time I wasn't reading it, I drew strength from what I knew was in it.  Psalms and verses I had read in previous times would come to my mind and I would cling to them.  I knew Jesus loved me.  I knew He was carrying me since I had no strength to carry myself.  I knew that through Christ my son was safe in heaven even though I was here on earth hurting with pain beyond belief.  I also knew that God did not cause my son to die.  He was my son's refuge in death and my refuge in grief.  I also knew that as bad as I wanted my baby with me right then it wasn't going to happen, but I could live for the day when God would come get me and reunite me with my son.  Seven years later, I would learn to cling and hope for the same when I held my stillborn daughter, Reita Gale in my arms.

I was 24 years old when my firstborn son died and 32 when my daughter died.  I will be 64 years old come this July 9th.  I have missed my babies for a long long time.  The grief still drifts in and out, just like the tide.  I can tell you one thing for sure.  Only my faith has gotten me through these years.  It has given me hope and the knowledge that I will see and know my children again one day.  I thank God for that.  I thank Jesus Christ for dying on the cross for not only me and my children, but for all who believe in Him so that we can have victory over death. 

I have had two other Bibles since the one I clung to many years ago.  I still have that now yellowed  and tattered paged one as a reminder of when my grief was so fresh.  That Bible, God's Holy Word, saved my life at a time when nothing else could.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Fittsie's Angels: What Is It?

Fittsie's Angels: What Is It?: What is it about babyloss that whams you so hard it still has one down on the floor ( at least for me) 39 years later???  From what I hear I...

What Is It?

What is it about babyloss that whams you so hard it still has one down on the floor ( at least for me) 39 years later???  From what I hear I am not the only one it affects like this.  Then again, I know some BLMS that keep it inside.  I can't.

I am just coming out of my "loss season."  James, Jr. was born still May 2, 1975 and buried May 3.
Then Reita Gale was born still May 31, 1982 and buried June 3.  You know how the weeks are leading up and then the weeks aftermath.  I'm in the aftermath of this 39th season and it just as well be the first season.  I'm so down and no energy.  I still need to be "looked after" this far out.  I don't understand it.  Of course I don't want to forget my babies!  But I don't want to feel so bad either.  Is this time of year "doomed" for me forever?  My answer so far is I imagine so.  I mean, look at me!  I'm going to be 64 years old in July!!!!  I have a fantastic family to enjoy and I do enjoy them.  It is just three are missing.  ( I lost Abbie in January 1982 to miscarriage)

Sometimes I still wonder the , "why me?"  Why didn't this happen to one of my 4 sisters?  Why was I the only one out of the 5 of us girls?  I don't even have a friend that this happened to!  If it had to be the 1 in 4 this happens to, where are the other 3?  Could I have known just one of them to have a companion around me who understands? 

I am in a place now where I don't want to talk about it ever again to anyone who isn't a BLM.  I got off my BLM FB page to get away from it beside the fact that my computer got hacked.  Seemed like a sign to get away from it for awhile.  I still think of each of you.  You can find me on Twitter @Fittsie!  I do see some of you there.  I still need some part of the BLM world security blanket. 

Well, guess if you didn't realize it after reading this, you were just part of my pity party!  Thanks for letting me sound off.

I will leave with an up-dated photo taken a month ago.  Yes, I do have a lot to be thankful for.

My Family
My hubby and rainbows!

                                                            With my oldest granddaughter
With my youngest granddaughter
With my middle grandchild & my only grandson
This picture melts my heart!
Yes, look at these pictures!  I am loved!  I am blessed!  I am Minus 3