Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Please Understand Us

My posts talk about 37 years ago when James and I had our stillborn son, James Collins, Jr.  As you know from your experiences, those first months and year are very rough and raw.  Your emotions are all over the place.  So many things come your way you don't understand or know how to handle  because of your intense grief.  Losing a tiny precious newborn that you have planned for over the past 9 months ( or what ever the age you lost your child) is just something you can't comprehend right away.  It hurts so much and takes time for your rippped hearts to heal.  It comes in bits and pieces.  We are super sensitive and rightfully so.  Some of us have had complications above our babyloss such as lack of infertility and insensitive families.

James and I made it through those horrible first months and years.  It wasn't easy.  It took a lot of time and patience.  We learned about the "do list that helps" and the "don't list" which makes recovery so much harder. 

James has received some flack because of the way he let his mother run all over us.  Let me tell you that James is one heck of a good man even though it may not come accross that way in some of my posts.  He was not only stunned by grief, but also by his mother.  Here is some background information.

I married James because of his kindness and good heart, not to mention he is good-looking!  I fell for him the first time I ever layed eyes on him.  I really did!  So tall, dark and handsome!  Wonderful blue eyes!  I noticed while dating James how he loved and treated his little Boston Terrior, Mickey.  I also noticed that when he had been away from his parents such as college, he greeted them with a hug or kiss....always.  He was close to his family.  I admired that in him.....he would make a good family man.  His parents were good people.  Also, my parents just loved James.  They saw the good in him and how he treated me.  My daddy was a strict daddy.  He had to be raising 5 girls!  He immediately said yes, when James asked him for my hand in marriage.  We grew up in the 1950's and 60's.  Children respected their parents, didn't talk back to them or any adult, NEVER questioned their parents.  You just did what they said and that was the end of it.  We trusted our parents to direct us to right paths.  Another rule, if you didn't go to Sunday School and church on Sunday, well no dating the next weekend.

Looking back through my posts, some of you have read where his parents, especially his mother, was very hurtful and pushy during the time of our son's death.  Well, they were.  You saw how my mother wouldn't talk to me one night when I called her.  James and I have discussed our family's reactions to us over and over.  We will never understand why they did what they did at this time in our life.  We have given excuses for them.  1) death of a baby was hush-hush back then  2)  they REALLY didn't understand 3)  they didn't know HOW to treat us  4)  the faster it was over with the better off we would be 5) they didn't want to be drug down along with us  6)  they just couldn't deal with it

Respect your parents at all cost!  We grew up in that era.  Right or wrong, that is the way it was.  James and I both were weak after our son's death.  We were blindsided as it happened so quickly plus we just had no knowledge about stillbirth.  We were in great shock and trusted our parents to lead us the right way.  We wanted to keep peace so we both gave in  when we shouldn't have.  Why would our parents steer us wrong?  They had never let us down before.

Poor James did NOT know how to please both a grief-stricken wife who made no sense most of the time and his mother.  He was torn to pieces.  He confided in me recently that he would go upstairs at work ( family owned business) to the stock room and cry his eyes out.  I never knew this until I started blogging.  This was such a tender moment between us as I realized how much he tried to protect me during that time.  I love him for telling me that even if it took 37 years to get it out.  It was healing for me to hear.

  We have been throught the death of two babies plus many of the trials and tribulations that come with life and marriage. I can tell you that today, after 42 years of marriage, we share an understanding and love that is stronger and deeper than we ever could have imagined.  Our Rainbow Babies are out on their own, we have real time for each other now, and are so in love with our grandchildren.

Life teaches you many lessons along the road.  If you can learn from them, you are all the better off  for it.  We learned.  It helped when we had our next stillbirth, our daughter, Reita Gale.  I haven't reached that part in my blogging.  We did that one our way.  No regrets.

If I can leave you with one thought today, it would be that James and and I are so richly blessed by our love for each other and are experiencing true happiness ONLY through our faith in God Almighty.  He has blessed our marriage and life beyond our greatest expections.

Please just keep this post in mind when you read the rest of our story!  Recovery is a life long process as we have discovered or I wouldn't be writing this blog, 37 years later!

Hugs to you all!

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