Sunday, January 27, 2013

May I Please Just Sulk Today?

I don't know of anyone out in cyberworld that can relate to me today.  Thirty-seven years and seven  months later, I just dropped  and wept with those gut wrenching sobs after lunch.  We saw a picture of a mother and father holding their stillborn son.  She was kissing his forehead while the daddy was kissing the toes.  I looked at James for understanding, then asked him, why don't we have a picture of our son?  Why did we have our children when it was taboo to even touch a stillborn baby?  Why didn't the doctor hand us our son wrapped in a blanket to hold and keep by my side?  We knew the problem was a knot in the cord.  Why wasn't the cord cut and my baby given to me?  He was mine to hold!
To kiss!  To cut a lock of hair!  To give a bath!  To touch!  They were more scared of a dead baby than anything else going on in the hospital.  What more could be done to hurt him?  Nothing!  What more could be done to hurt me?  A lot!  My baby was born when the doctors and nurses were from the old school.  Why didn't I have internet access for information?  Who clipped off his baby bracelet and just threw it in the trash?  That was his bracelet, so then it should have been given to his mother!  It just wasn't a fair situation!  No one was educated about the parents' needs!  Rights!
No one can relate to me.  You haven't cried for 37 years.  I don't know how I have managed it!  How have I done it?  Some of you are afraid that in time you will forget your baby.  No, you won't.  The hurting won't let you.  Sure, you will go on and live a productive life, but you are never the same person as you were before you heard those words, "I can't get a heartbeat."
Lack of knowledge made our situation worse.  We have to educate, educate, and educate more.  Thank you for doing that!  Babies can die.  Pregnancies don't always work out as we have planned.  Most of the time they do work out.  I'd rather have the knowledge that they don't always so I could plan accordingly.
I'm sad.  I'm mad.  I want a do over so I can take some pictures to look at and memories of holding my child. 
Oh, I'm not finished.  I had a miscarriage, another stillborn baby, and my rainbow baby was mixed up in the hospital.  Yes, when they brought me my Taylor to my room it wasn't Taylor!  I was awake during the natural childbirth...Taylor had straight black hair and was long and skinny.  Whe I started to nurse "my Taylor" I saw a chubby blonde headed baby with lots of curls in the "Fitts Baby" hospital bassinette!  When was the madness going to end???  Just needed to bark today!  I'm hurting.


  1. Gale, your story is so hard to read but I want to read it and I hope you keep telling it if you feel able. It is unbelievable what your family has endured. I also did not see or hold my son and he was born just over one year ago in a *teaching* hospital in a large city. There is a whole story behind that and I am left to try to figure it out with support from other bereaved parents. Whenever I see pictures of parents cuddling their stillborn babies, it brings up all the hurt that I wasn't able to hold mine, but at the same time, I feel relief that they were not prevented by circumstance from expressing their love for their child. You're right, we must keep educating. I'm not sure we have come so far in the 37 years since your son was born. Warm wishes to you. Andrea

  2. Andrea, thank you so much for your comment. You DO understand me! I knew in my heart that other mothers out there didn't get to hold there babies, but I was really hurting and fretting yesterday. So I wrote what I did. I am glad too for those moms that get to cuddle their babies. Education is the key. James and I are going to Miami in two weeks. When we get back, we are going to speak at our local hospital's board meeting. It isn't the hospital where our children were born, but it is a local start. You group of women have spoken up and I am so proud of you! YOUR speaking out and really doing something to change things has given James and I the courage to do so. Your comment meant so much to me.

  3. Your story is so so real. The feelings and emotions... I'm sorry that you're going through it, yet - like you said - it's just who we are now. I can't relate to you because it's only been 5 weeks for me. But I didn't hold him either - the doctor told me it would make it harder. I'm not a perfect person and have made millions of mistakes. But the only regret I have in life is that I didn't hold him and never will. Ever. Ever. I see the pictures of all the moms who held their stillborn too - touched their teeny tiny fingers and toes... It's so so hard to look at. I too, had a "educated" hospital.

    You are not alone <3 <3 HUGS

  4. Oh Annie, what is wrong with these doctors and nurses who don't let us hold our babies? I am so so very sorry about your loss. I'm sorry that you didn't get to hold your baby. My heart hurts for you. Five weeks since you lost your sad. I know it hurts so much. Please take care of yourself. Thank you for reading my blog & commenting. I see more and more than things haven't changed that much. Please accept my deepest sympathies.
    Thank you for telling me that I am not alone. You are not either.
    If you ever need me I am at
    <3 HUGS

  5. Gale, I wish so many things could've been different for you! First I wish James Jr had of been born screaming to the top of his tiny lungs! But since that wouldn't be, I wish you could've held him, bathed him, looked at every inch of his perfect tiny body! I wish you'd gotten a memory box and been able to take a million pictures of him! There are ALOT of could've, would've and should've's when it comes to having an angel baby because no one is prepared for such heartache, even if you know, as I did, that my baby would be born sleeping. I admire you greatly Gale!! And I'm always here for you!!