I don't know of anyone out in cyberworld that can relate to me today. Thirty-seven years and seven months later, I just dropped and wept with those gut wrenching sobs after lunch. We saw a picture of a mother and father holding their stillborn son. She was kissing his forehead while the daddy was kissing the toes. I looked at James for understanding, then asked him, why don't we have a picture of our son? Why did we have our children when it was taboo to even touch a stillborn baby? Why didn't the doctor hand us our son wrapped in a blanket to hold and keep by my side? We knew the problem was a knot in the cord. Why wasn't the cord cut and my baby given to me? He was mine to hold!
To kiss! To cut a lock of hair! To give a bath! To touch! They were more scared of a dead baby than anything else going on in the hospital. What more could be done to hurt him? Nothing! What more could be done to hurt me? A lot! My baby was born when the doctors and nurses were from the old school. Why didn't I have internet access for information? Who clipped off his baby bracelet and just threw it in the trash? That was his bracelet, so then it should have been given to his mother! It just wasn't a fair situation! No one was educated about the parents' needs! Rights!
No one can relate to me. You haven't cried for 37 years. I don't know how I have managed it! How have I done it? Some of you are afraid that in time you will forget your baby. No, you won't. The hurting won't let you. Sure, you will go on and live a productive life, but you are never the same person as you were before you heard those words, "I can't get a heartbeat."
Lack of knowledge made our situation worse. We have to educate, educate, and educate more. Thank you for doing that! Babies can die. Pregnancies don't always work out as we have planned. Most of the time they do work out. I'd rather have the knowledge that they don't always so I could plan accordingly.
I'm sad. I'm mad. I want a do over so I can take some pictures to look at and memories of holding my child.
Oh, I'm not finished. I had a miscarriage, another stillborn baby, and my rainbow baby was mixed up in the hospital. Yes, when they brought me my Taylor to my room it wasn't Taylor! I was awake during the natural childbirth...Taylor had straight black hair and was long and skinny. Whe I started to nurse "my Taylor" I saw a chubby blonde headed baby with lots of curls in the "Fitts Baby" hospital bassinette! When was the madness going to end??? Just needed to bark today! I'm hurting.