In my last post, my OB-GYN left his practice in the hands of a general practice doctor. It made no sense of him not sending me to another OB-GYN. I was a high risk pregnancy. I went to his office and asked for all of my records, including my previous stillbirth. I had the task of finding a reputable doctor in the closest town 45 minutes away. I asked around and decided on a practice, made the appointment, and off I went to visit him. I like him right away. I was treated as a high priority. They had better equipment also. I had no ultrasounds, but monitoring belts to wear for the baby's heartbeat. Oh by the way, I had paid my other doctor month by month. This practice had a lump sum fee they charged...no waiver for an almost 8 month pregnant mom coming in! My insurance had a field day with that! The appointment was over and I was told everything looked good, but from now on I should come in every two weeks. I left for home.
After telling James every detail of the visit, he felt we had made a good decision to seek out this team of doctors. We began to nest for our new baby. My MIL made the most beautiful nursery curtains I have ever seen. She was trying. The walls had a fresh coat of white paint on them. We bought baby blue carpet that was as soft as a baby's behind to cover the floor. James bought me a new white Bentwood rocker to go in the nursery. My other rocker went into the den. My MIL gave me James' little rocker he had as a toddler to go into the room. It has been painted white. She made a cushion to go in the bottom to match my white curtains with the blue and pink double ruffles. She also made me baby receiving blankets in every pastel colors that she knew I liked. Mother Goose pictures hung over the changing table. Everything was washed and fluffed, ready for our Rainbow Baby. It was so bittersweet. I could feel James, Jr. approval. He never left my side...I could feel him. I so wished he was with us to greet the new baby. All of the people that had been so quiet after my stillbirth came out of the woodwork with well wishes for us. I was happy.
Out of the blue, I became plagued by terrible headaches. I had never had many headaches, but these seemed abnormal. I called my doctor and was told to come in right away. I wasn't thinking much of anything....just a headache. It was now my due month, March, 1977. After checking me over, my doctor said my blood pressure was way up. James was with me. We were sent straight to Greenville, the largest hospital in Eastern NC. On the way, it started snowing. A March snow. We made it to Greenville and saw the waiting doctor there. Every test was done on me to make sure all was okay. Negative, but since my blood pressure wasn't good, I would not be getting any kind of saddle block, epidural, or pain meds. It would be a natural childbirth. Now, classes for natural childbirth had not hit our area yet. I had no way of preparing for it. I just remembered how awful the pain was with James, Jr. and my anxiety went up! I started going in now every week to see my doctor.
I was sitting at home one night after that. I noticed that I had no control over one of my legs. I could not move it! Another call to the doctor! I was told the baby was sitting on a nerve blocking my ability for me to move my leg. That lasted for at least another day.
Finally, Monday March 21 arrived.....I had been due the 19th. I had signs of labor beginning. I was so excited! I waited. I thought. Please God, let this baby be born alright and live! My arms so needed to hold and mother a live baby. Please! Please! Let it be okay! I could not go through having another dead baby. I couldn't bear the pain of it all...I just couldn't! It was my turn for a happy outcome.... All afternoon I waited. Nothing. After dinner that night we continued to wait. About 9:00 I felt my belly tightening and then relaxing. At first it was weak, then it was stronger. I could feel my baby kicking, thank God.
About 11:00 that rainy night we decided to go the 45 minute drive on I-95 to the hospital. We stopped by to pick up James' mother because she wanted to go. Big Mistake! What is wrong with my brain? Can't I learn from the past? Before leaving the house, James called my twin sister. She was in bed, but jumped out, got her husband up, called her MIL to watch her son and off they went in this terrible rain to drive over an hour to get to our hospital.
It was a hairy ride on the interstate in the pounding rain, but we made it safely. I was admitted to labor and delivery. The baby's heart beat was fine, but it was on my chart to have no meds due to my continued headaches and high blood pressure. After a good exam, James was told I most likely wouldn't deliver until morning. My twin and her husband had arrived, but since I was back in the labor room strapped down to all types of monitors, James, my sister or his mother couldn't come in. Hospital rules. Can you believe it? My sister begged with everyone she could find to let her come see me. You would have thought that after one stillbirth, they would let me have some comfort from my husband and my twin sister, but they didn't. She and her husband were so disappointed, but left for the hour back to Washington. Then it started. My infamous MIL started nagging to James that she needed to go home and get some rest! That meant he would have to leave me alone all night so she could get her rest! I was asked if he could take his mother home. Oh come on!
What if the baby died during the night? I would be alone to handle it! If I said he couldn't take his mother home, I would be the bitchy wife. She should have never asked him that question...to choose between her or me. It was unbelievable! The nurses kept saying that they were sure I wouldn't deliver during the night and that James couldn't be with me anyway. I needed to feel he was there pacing in the waiting room! Wasn't that expectant fathers did? I am not nice, just stupid. I said he could take her home. You know, I was on a very narrow metal table, not a birthing bed, hook to monitors beeping, and I had to stay that way all night long. I was so uncomfortable that I couldn't sleep. I was in a giant long room with several birthing tables, but I was alone in there. I was miserable. Why couldn't James and his mother be miserable for one night to be close to me and offer support? James didn't want to leave me or his baby. Why did we bring her over with us? So many regrets already this time again. That was the longest night of my life. No sleep and grande uncomfortable. If I could have gotten up off that table I would have. But they didn't offer the monitoring I was getting in rooms, so I stayed put.
The next morning, I was sent to the delivery room after getting a shot of pitocin to urge the labor along. This is where things got so ugly I was totally embarrassed. My butt was numb from being on a narrow table. I was cold! I was hungry! I was getting these horrific labor pains coming one after the other. Was James back yet? Oh, these pains were unbearable. I tried to get on my side to make myself more comfortable and maybe handle the pains better. Oh no! I was immediately strapped down by my hands! I couldn't move or had no control in breathing at all. I begged my doctor to give me something for pain! He kept telling me he couldn't, but I told him that I would sign papers releasing him from responsibility if he would just give me something. Oh the pain! I was screaming uncontrollably. I could tell the doctors and nurses were in a panic as I was withering and fighting them on every account. Finally, I got shots where the baby was coming out to help me not feel the episiotomy. My baby was out and screaming crying! He was healthy! I asked if he was okay. They nurse said yes indeed. I just collapsed in relief and was somewhat in shock at the terrible birthing process I had endured. The nurse brought him to me to hold. I shook my head no. I was so exhausted and traumatized after the birth that I just said flatly no. I had no strength left in me. This was not how I had pictured giving birth to my Rainbow Son. It was a hellish delivery! It was now March 22, 1977 at 11:04 AM. I was a mother for the second time. It was the first time I have ever heard one of my babies cry. I began to weep for joy! James Collins Fitts, Jr. now had a brother, John Collins Fitts and we would call him Collins.
I was so glad to get to my room, which was very nice. The nurse came in and brought Collins with her. James was right on her heals. She handed him to me and left. James sat down on the bed with us. We couldn't utter a word to each other. He held me and our son and we just wept our hearts out. We wept for joy with Colllins and for James, Jr. who we knew was in the room with us also. I'll treasure that moment in time always.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Challenges Of My Rainbow Pregnancy
With my pregnancy test finally positive, I set out as one happy pregnant woman! One goal was on my mind, getting my baby here safely. I asked my OB-GYN so many questions that he probably was worn out for the next patient! Every time I went for my check-up, he would assure me that my baby was growing. I just marveled at those words! Growing! I ate and drank everything healthy I could get my hands on. I also quit my teaching position. I wanted to stay home and focus on my growing baby. I read everything I could get my hands on about safe pregnancies. I wanted positive vibs, so we immediately set up our nursery again. I needed it to be that way. I knew how quickly it could be taken away, but I was going to enjoy every second of going in there and dreaming.
Once, I was fixing a homemade pizza for supper one Friday night. I opened a can of tomato sauce and something about it didn't smell right. The dough had risen, I had mashed it out in the pizza pan. Hmmm...that sauce could be ruined. James walked into the kitchen. He said the sauce smelled fine to him. I asked him to taste it. Tasted fine. I just couldn't take the chance. I threw it all out. No pizza at home for us. Out to eat we went!
Christmas came and I was 7 months pregnant. Everything was just fine! I was showing big time and so proud of my baby belly! We went to my parents house for Christmas the Sunday before Christmas Day. Everyone was there and James was taking pictures of everyone! Happiness was everywhere! It was a madhouse with my parents' six children, their spouses, and their children! Presents, bows, kids of all ages, and GREAT FOOD! My mama was a fantastic cook! I ate and ate! Yummy food for my growing baby!
All of a sudden, I felt really bad. My belly was having pains. Oh, I was in pain. Everyone immediatey urged me to go to the hospital which I did! James got me there and I was seen ASAP! I was checked out by an OB_GYN. The baby's heart was beating just fine. My belly was tight. Was it contractions? Not sure yet. I was given Demerol for the pain. My diagnosis was, NOW DON'T LAUGH! OKAY LAUGH! I had eaten too many bowls of my mama's infamous butterbeans & corn! I was stuffed with food and gas! LOL! Whew! My baby was safe! The family rolled with laughter and I didn't care. It was funny to me too! It was the Demerol making me so merry! We left on our way home to Roanoke Rapids an hour and a half away. I slept the whole way home.....good Demerol!
Christmas night, we went over to my SIL's house for dinner. James' parents had given all three of there children the latest new appliance as Christmas presents. MICROWAVE OVENS! They were so new on the market, that we were the first in town to have them. I had planned on waiting until after I had given birth to use mine. Enough wasn't known about them yet as far as I was concerned for safety. I had no idea what these new "waves" had in them that might alter my baby's development. Everyone thought I was silly and over re-acting. If you have lost a baby, you aren't over re-acting. What would it hurt to wait and use it a few months later? During the evening we were all having a good time. Some of us were gathered in the kitchen to see what we could do to help. All of a sudden, a DING went off right beside my belly! I wasn't sure what it was, but soon realized as everyone started laughing, that it was the microwave oven my SIL was using. I was livid! They saw me standing there and knew how I felt about microwaves! No one respected my feelings! I was so hurt that they were laughing and kidding me as being too careful. I was worried sick about my baby. Had harm been done? I went into another room and cried to myself, walked back out and stayed long enough to be polite. James defended my concerns even though he felt the microwaves were safe. Thing was, they were so new, nobody was sure.
My January doctor's appointment came. Everything was fine as far as the doctor knew. The baby was growing. We had no ultrsounds, so never a picture of what was going on inside. Then the news was blurted out to me. My doctor was going away for an extened vacation! He was turning all of his patients over to a local regular MD! My doctor was the ONLY OB/GYN in town! I was a high risk pregnancy and was being deserted by my doctor for a regular doctor? I was in my scary third trimester. I left his office so let down and not knowing what to do. More worries.... Will I ever have my Rainbow Baby safely home?
Once, I was fixing a homemade pizza for supper one Friday night. I opened a can of tomato sauce and something about it didn't smell right. The dough had risen, I had mashed it out in the pizza pan. Hmmm...that sauce could be ruined. James walked into the kitchen. He said the sauce smelled fine to him. I asked him to taste it. Tasted fine. I just couldn't take the chance. I threw it all out. No pizza at home for us. Out to eat we went!
Christmas came and I was 7 months pregnant. Everything was just fine! I was showing big time and so proud of my baby belly! We went to my parents house for Christmas the Sunday before Christmas Day. Everyone was there and James was taking pictures of everyone! Happiness was everywhere! It was a madhouse with my parents' six children, their spouses, and their children! Presents, bows, kids of all ages, and GREAT FOOD! My mama was a fantastic cook! I ate and ate! Yummy food for my growing baby!
All of a sudden, I felt really bad. My belly was having pains. Oh, I was in pain. Everyone immediatey urged me to go to the hospital which I did! James got me there and I was seen ASAP! I was checked out by an OB_GYN. The baby's heart was beating just fine. My belly was tight. Was it contractions? Not sure yet. I was given Demerol for the pain. My diagnosis was, NOW DON'T LAUGH! OKAY LAUGH! I had eaten too many bowls of my mama's infamous butterbeans & corn! I was stuffed with food and gas! LOL! Whew! My baby was safe! The family rolled with laughter and I didn't care. It was funny to me too! It was the Demerol making me so merry! We left on our way home to Roanoke Rapids an hour and a half away. I slept the whole way home.....good Demerol!
Christmas night, we went over to my SIL's house for dinner. James' parents had given all three of there children the latest new appliance as Christmas presents. MICROWAVE OVENS! They were so new on the market, that we were the first in town to have them. I had planned on waiting until after I had given birth to use mine. Enough wasn't known about them yet as far as I was concerned for safety. I had no idea what these new "waves" had in them that might alter my baby's development. Everyone thought I was silly and over re-acting. If you have lost a baby, you aren't over re-acting. What would it hurt to wait and use it a few months later? During the evening we were all having a good time. Some of us were gathered in the kitchen to see what we could do to help. All of a sudden, a DING went off right beside my belly! I wasn't sure what it was, but soon realized as everyone started laughing, that it was the microwave oven my SIL was using. I was livid! They saw me standing there and knew how I felt about microwaves! No one respected my feelings! I was so hurt that they were laughing and kidding me as being too careful. I was worried sick about my baby. Had harm been done? I went into another room and cried to myself, walked back out and stayed long enough to be polite. James defended my concerns even though he felt the microwaves were safe. Thing was, they were so new, nobody was sure.
My January doctor's appointment came. Everything was fine as far as the doctor knew. The baby was growing. We had no ultrsounds, so never a picture of what was going on inside. Then the news was blurted out to me. My doctor was going away for an extened vacation! He was turning all of his patients over to a local regular MD! My doctor was the ONLY OB/GYN in town! I was a high risk pregnancy and was being deserted by my doctor for a regular doctor? I was in my scary third trimester. I left his office so let down and not knowing what to do. More worries.... Will I ever have my Rainbow Baby safely home?
Monday, January 28, 2013
Sulky Day Is Over...You Can come Out From the Covers Now!
I was really feeling sorry for myself yesterday, I don't feel that way often anymore, honest. But when I sulk and feel sorry for myself, I let go!!!
It's over today, so for all of those that ran and hid under the covers can come out now! It's safe! My barking is over! A comment from yesterday's post helped me so much. I talk about how things were 37 years ago. Ladies, I have come to realize that many of you don't get to hold your babies or have pictures taken either. Some more education is needed for our doctors and hospitals. I will spend the rest of my life working on this for your angels and mine. They WILL make a difference in this world because of all of you and myself educating others in anyway we can.
You all inspire me with your faithfulness and never ending energy to the cause of babyloss. Each of our babies died for many different reasons. Some drew breaths on earth for a while, and others did not. Some of you may not have known the sex of your baby, but God knows. A baby growing inside its mother's womb matters. Every mother's voice counts for her child. Every child matters. To quote from one of my favorite stories, The Velveteen Rabbit, "Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always." Our babies were real and still are real forever. Let's continue to speak out, educate, and help other grief-stricken mothers so our own suffering is not in vain.
Thank you all for teaching me.
It's over today, so for all of those that ran and hid under the covers can come out now! It's safe! My barking is over! A comment from yesterday's post helped me so much. I talk about how things were 37 years ago. Ladies, I have come to realize that many of you don't get to hold your babies or have pictures taken either. Some more education is needed for our doctors and hospitals. I will spend the rest of my life working on this for your angels and mine. They WILL make a difference in this world because of all of you and myself educating others in anyway we can.
You all inspire me with your faithfulness and never ending energy to the cause of babyloss. Each of our babies died for many different reasons. Some drew breaths on earth for a while, and others did not. Some of you may not have known the sex of your baby, but God knows. A baby growing inside its mother's womb matters. Every mother's voice counts for her child. Every child matters. To quote from one of my favorite stories, The Velveteen Rabbit, "Once you are real, you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always." Our babies were real and still are real forever. Let's continue to speak out, educate, and help other grief-stricken mothers so our own suffering is not in vain.
Thank you all for teaching me.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
May I Please Just Sulk Today?
I don't know of anyone out in cyberworld that can relate to me today. Thirty-seven years and seven months later, I just dropped and wept with those gut wrenching sobs after lunch. We saw a picture of a mother and father holding their stillborn son. She was kissing his forehead while the daddy was kissing the toes. I looked at James for understanding, then asked him, why don't we have a picture of our son? Why did we have our children when it was taboo to even touch a stillborn baby? Why didn't the doctor hand us our son wrapped in a blanket to hold and keep by my side? We knew the problem was a knot in the cord. Why wasn't the cord cut and my baby given to me? He was mine to hold!
To kiss! To cut a lock of hair! To give a bath! To touch! They were more scared of a dead baby than anything else going on in the hospital. What more could be done to hurt him? Nothing! What more could be done to hurt me? A lot! My baby was born when the doctors and nurses were from the old school. Why didn't I have internet access for information? Who clipped off his baby bracelet and just threw it in the trash? That was his bracelet, so then it should have been given to his mother! It just wasn't a fair situation! No one was educated about the parents' needs! Rights!
No one can relate to me. You haven't cried for 37 years. I don't know how I have managed it! How have I done it? Some of you are afraid that in time you will forget your baby. No, you won't. The hurting won't let you. Sure, you will go on and live a productive life, but you are never the same person as you were before you heard those words, "I can't get a heartbeat."
Lack of knowledge made our situation worse. We have to educate, educate, and educate more. Thank you for doing that! Babies can die. Pregnancies don't always work out as we have planned. Most of the time they do work out. I'd rather have the knowledge that they don't always so I could plan accordingly.
I'm sad. I'm mad. I want a do over so I can take some pictures to look at and memories of holding my child.
Oh, I'm not finished. I had a miscarriage, another stillborn baby, and my rainbow baby was mixed up in the hospital. Yes, when they brought me my Taylor to my room it wasn't Taylor! I was awake during the natural childbirth...Taylor had straight black hair and was long and skinny. Whe I started to nurse "my Taylor" I saw a chubby blonde headed baby with lots of curls in the "Fitts Baby" hospital bassinette! When was the madness going to end??? Just needed to bark today! I'm hurting.
To kiss! To cut a lock of hair! To give a bath! To touch! They were more scared of a dead baby than anything else going on in the hospital. What more could be done to hurt him? Nothing! What more could be done to hurt me? A lot! My baby was born when the doctors and nurses were from the old school. Why didn't I have internet access for information? Who clipped off his baby bracelet and just threw it in the trash? That was his bracelet, so then it should have been given to his mother! It just wasn't a fair situation! No one was educated about the parents' needs! Rights!
No one can relate to me. You haven't cried for 37 years. I don't know how I have managed it! How have I done it? Some of you are afraid that in time you will forget your baby. No, you won't. The hurting won't let you. Sure, you will go on and live a productive life, but you are never the same person as you were before you heard those words, "I can't get a heartbeat."
Lack of knowledge made our situation worse. We have to educate, educate, and educate more. Thank you for doing that! Babies can die. Pregnancies don't always work out as we have planned. Most of the time they do work out. I'd rather have the knowledge that they don't always so I could plan accordingly.
I'm sad. I'm mad. I want a do over so I can take some pictures to look at and memories of holding my child.
Oh, I'm not finished. I had a miscarriage, another stillborn baby, and my rainbow baby was mixed up in the hospital. Yes, when they brought me my Taylor to my room it wasn't Taylor! I was awake during the natural childbirth...Taylor had straight black hair and was long and skinny. Whe I started to nurse "my Taylor" I saw a chubby blonde headed baby with lots of curls in the "Fitts Baby" hospital bassinette! When was the madness going to end??? Just needed to bark today! I'm hurting.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
My Non-Maternity Shopping Spree With A Surprise
James,Jr's first angel birthday was over. I wasn't pregnant with a Rainbow Baby. I had been through that first year of raw pain and deep grief, no other baby in sight, and I was growing older than my years with loneliness and yearning. I had to do something different. I decided to put away my maternity clothes and my "just in case" clothes. I went on a shopping spree for summer clothes. I felt like Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." I tried on everything and bought everything I liked! It was a break away from the gloom and grieving this 25 year old girl had been experiencing for a little over a year. I was NOT forgetting my son, but I had to move on. I walked down the main street of town ( no malls buit yet!) with my packages swinging! James and I were going to South Carolina in June for his good friend's wedding where he would be a groomsman. I wanted to be ready for a weekend of a new beginning, a weekend without grief hovering over me. On the way home from my shopping spree, I turned up the radio and sang along with the hit tunes. I was trying to get some optimism in my life! Then, without warning, a new Paul Anka song came on the radio. I had never heard a song like this before. It was called, "Having My Baby!" It seems that P. Anka's wife was pregnant with their baby and he had written a song to show his love for her carrying his child. I was horrified! How old were they anyway? Didn't they already have a mansion full of children? Immediately I was back in the dumps again. I couldn't give my husband a baby and this song was blaring over the radio! This is on You Tube now. I just listened to it again after 37 years and it still made me shutter. How many knives were going to stick into my heart and twist before I could ever have some peace?
June 21, 1976 came. We were in SC at the wedding. There was plenty of partying going on! We had a ball that weekend! It was fun, exhilerating and feeling young and free!
July came. I had to go away for a week to Meredith College to a Reading Workshop. A group of us from our school where I taught went. After class, I drove us to the big new Crabtree Mall in Raleigh. While others shopped for clothes or school items, I shopped the book stores for any book I could get my hands on about getting pregnant. I came home with many books. The gals and I celebrated my 26th birthday while we were in Raleigh that week. Here I was, 26 and no baby.
But something else began to occupy my mind that hot July. I noticed that my period was late. Once more, it kept right on being late! Could it be? I had been to the doctor's office for so many pregnancy test the past few months that I was embarrassed to go for another one. There were no home pregnancy test to do. So, I went to my sister's in Washington to have a test done! When I got there, the nurse told me to pee into a jar. I COULDN'T GO I WAS SO NERVOUS! She said honey if you can just give me a drop or two I can do the test. I couldn't! My sister and I went to buy me a Coke to drink! I drank it and back to the doctor's office we went. Nothing like everybody waiting for you to pee! I finally mustard a few drops! Enough! The test was done and I was PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everybody was crying for joy! I had to get to a phone to call James! He was over the roof with happiness! I told him not to tell a soul until I got back home. I drove the hour and a half drive back home on cloud 9! There was a baby growing inside of me! I was pregnant!!!! What joy! The tears of happiness were pouring! I could hardly soak it all in. My life was changing once more. Guess what? By the timeI got home James had told everybody he saw!!! Can you blame him???? I was so happy that I immediately put up my shopping spree clothes and proudly put on my maternity clothes again! I wasn't showing, but I was pregnant and that's all the reason I needed to wear them again! Oh happy July! Our baby was due March 19th, 1977!
June 21, 1976 came. We were in SC at the wedding. There was plenty of partying going on! We had a ball that weekend! It was fun, exhilerating and feeling young and free!
July came. I had to go away for a week to Meredith College to a Reading Workshop. A group of us from our school where I taught went. After class, I drove us to the big new Crabtree Mall in Raleigh. While others shopped for clothes or school items, I shopped the book stores for any book I could get my hands on about getting pregnant. I came home with many books. The gals and I celebrated my 26th birthday while we were in Raleigh that week. Here I was, 26 and no baby.
But something else began to occupy my mind that hot July. I noticed that my period was late. Once more, it kept right on being late! Could it be? I had been to the doctor's office for so many pregnancy test the past few months that I was embarrassed to go for another one. There were no home pregnancy test to do. So, I went to my sister's in Washington to have a test done! When I got there, the nurse told me to pee into a jar. I COULDN'T GO I WAS SO NERVOUS! She said honey if you can just give me a drop or two I can do the test. I couldn't! My sister and I went to buy me a Coke to drink! I drank it and back to the doctor's office we went. Nothing like everybody waiting for you to pee! I finally mustard a few drops! Enough! The test was done and I was PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everybody was crying for joy! I had to get to a phone to call James! He was over the roof with happiness! I told him not to tell a soul until I got back home. I drove the hour and a half drive back home on cloud 9! There was a baby growing inside of me! I was pregnant!!!! What joy! The tears of happiness were pouring! I could hardly soak it all in. My life was changing once more. Guess what? By the timeI got home James had told everybody he saw!!! Can you blame him???? I was so happy that I immediately put up my shopping spree clothes and proudly put on my maternity clothes again! I wasn't showing, but I was pregnant and that's all the reason I needed to wear them again! Oh happy July! Our baby was due March 19th, 1977!
The Liebster Award
Sammuel's mommy at, Nothing Without You, has nominated my blog for a Liebster Award. I am very honored and I thank you, RaeAnne.
What is the Liebster Award? It is an award that is granted to "up and coming" bloggers with fewer than 200 followers who deserve some recognition and support to keep on blogging. Liebster is German for among others, valued. I am touched that my blog is valued.
My journey of 37 years enduring babyloss experience, I hope has helped others and been of some value to each reader of my blog.
Here are the rules:
1. Answer the questions sent to you by your nominator.
2. Pick 11 blogs to nominate.
3. Write 11 questions for them to answer.
Here are my answers to RaeAnne's questions:
1. What do you love most about your baby/babies?
Since my son and daughter were stillborn, I have pregnancy loves with them. Each child talked to me through their movements in my womb. A kick would mean to me that all was well, I love my mommy's voice, or a simple, "Good morning, Mommy!" Another movement were their stretches after waking up from a nap. Sometimes I would even get a foot or rump sticking out! That was so awesome! So I must say my babies' movements were what I loved most about them.
2. What character from a book would you like to meet (even fiction) right now? Why? Allie in "The Notebook." I would like to meet her because she chose Noah, true love, and a simple life over wealth and high society.
3. If someone could bring you a meal right now, what would it be?
Beef Stew
4. What is the best thing someone said to you after your loss?
"I can't begin to understand what you are going through."
5. What reminds you of your baby most?
Spring with its sunny weather because my son died on May 2, 1975 and my daughter May 31, 1982. Both days were warm sunny spring days.
6. What is your favorite song/book/movie?
My favorite movie is "Pearl Harbor" with Ben Afleck.
7. Who do you admire most? Hands down, my wonderful husband, James.
8. What's one thing you wish people knew about you most?
God comes first in my life.
9. If you could visit one place in the world, where would you go and what would you do?
I would go to Nashville,Tennessee and see a show at the Grand Ole Oprey!
10. If you could redo your wedding day, what would you change/ what would you keep?
I would not change a thing and keep everything just as was. I have had memories of that day in 1970 for over 42 years. I cherish the memories!
Here are my nominations:
1. For the Love of Baby Liam (Becky)
2. Angel Steps (Trey's Mommy)
3. On Stillness (Toren's Mommy)
What is the Liebster Award? It is an award that is granted to "up and coming" bloggers with fewer than 200 followers who deserve some recognition and support to keep on blogging. Liebster is German for among others, valued. I am touched that my blog is valued.
My journey of 37 years enduring babyloss experience, I hope has helped others and been of some value to each reader of my blog.
Here are the rules:
1. Answer the questions sent to you by your nominator.
2. Pick 11 blogs to nominate.
3. Write 11 questions for them to answer.
Here are my answers to RaeAnne's questions:
1. What do you love most about your baby/babies?
Since my son and daughter were stillborn, I have pregnancy loves with them. Each child talked to me through their movements in my womb. A kick would mean to me that all was well, I love my mommy's voice, or a simple, "Good morning, Mommy!" Another movement were their stretches after waking up from a nap. Sometimes I would even get a foot or rump sticking out! That was so awesome! So I must say my babies' movements were what I loved most about them.
2. What character from a book would you like to meet (even fiction) right now? Why? Allie in "The Notebook." I would like to meet her because she chose Noah, true love, and a simple life over wealth and high society.
3. If someone could bring you a meal right now, what would it be?
Beef Stew
4. What is the best thing someone said to you after your loss?
"I can't begin to understand what you are going through."
5. What reminds you of your baby most?
Spring with its sunny weather because my son died on May 2, 1975 and my daughter May 31, 1982. Both days were warm sunny spring days.
6. What is your favorite song/book/movie?
My favorite movie is "Pearl Harbor" with Ben Afleck.
7. Who do you admire most? Hands down, my wonderful husband, James.
8. What's one thing you wish people knew about you most?
God comes first in my life.
9. If you could visit one place in the world, where would you go and what would you do?
I would go to Nashville,Tennessee and see a show at the Grand Ole Oprey!
10. If you could redo your wedding day, what would you change/ what would you keep?
I would not change a thing and keep everything just as was. I have had memories of that day in 1970 for over 42 years. I cherish the memories!
Here are my nominations:
1. For the Love of Baby Liam (Becky)
2. Angel Steps (Trey's Mommy)
3. On Stillness (Toren's Mommy)
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Fittsie's Angels: James Jr's First Birthday in Heaven
Fittsie's Angels: James Jr's First Birthday in Heaven: May 2nd arrived with James and I in a funk. Our son had been in Heaven for one whole year now. We made plans to just be together and honor...
James Jr's First Birthday in Heaven
May 2nd arrived with James and I in a funk. Our son had been in Heaven for one whole year now. We made plans to just be together and honor him in our thoughts and words. We planned a small dinner alone to remember. How could a year have passed by already? Yet, it was an agonizing year, which at the time seemed to dragged by coated by plenty of grief. Of course, just as we expected, no one mentioned his birthday except my twin and her husband. They remembered and wanted us to know they we were being thought of. I was unhappy that my parents or James' parents did not mention their grandson's first birthday in Heaven or at least check on us to see if we were okay. They never put anything on their grandson's grave and that hurt.
Once, a good friend of my SIL's had a stillborn grandson not too long after ours was born. Well, you would have thought that the world had ended. Everything stopped and was put on hold as my MIL, both SIL's and my FIL spent hours over at the home of the stillborn baby's family. They made food galore and just sat to greet guest and talk. We were told we should visit also as this was such a horrible thing that had happpened. The mother and her mother were taking it very hard. HELLO! We were also taking our baby's death very hard! Where was our family support? To see them all make such a big deal over a friend's stillborn baby, and yet never mention ours just broke our hearts. We felt we didn't matter at all.
James and I , alone, grieved for our son on his birthday. We were lost. We hurt. I went through my trunk of all of his little baby clothes and other things that were his. I smelled them and cried, even though outside my open window the birds were chirping.
We love you so much, our sweet baby boy angel.
Once, a good friend of my SIL's had a stillborn grandson not too long after ours was born. Well, you would have thought that the world had ended. Everything stopped and was put on hold as my MIL, both SIL's and my FIL spent hours over at the home of the stillborn baby's family. They made food galore and just sat to greet guest and talk. We were told we should visit also as this was such a horrible thing that had happpened. The mother and her mother were taking it very hard. HELLO! We were also taking our baby's death very hard! Where was our family support? To see them all make such a big deal over a friend's stillborn baby, and yet never mention ours just broke our hearts. We felt we didn't matter at all.
James and I , alone, grieved for our son on his birthday. We were lost. We hurt. I went through my trunk of all of his little baby clothes and other things that were his. I smelled them and cried, even though outside my open window the birds were chirping.
We love you so much, our sweet baby boy angel.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Where Is My Rainbow Baby?
After having James, Jr. born as a stillbirth baby I was told by many well- being people what we all hear as babyloss moms. You know what I'm talking about. Those words that make you cringe...."you can have another baby because you are young and healthy." Well, evidently my body wasn't healthy enough to even get pregnant again much less give birth! The only advice I was getting from my doctor was to drink wine. I drank wine! No pregnancy! Why wasn't I getting pregnant? The disappointment each month was so depressing. I prayed to God to please help us conceive, but month after month the answer was no. I thought if I did good things for others God might hear me. Maybe if I smiled more. I was trying to move on after losing my precious baby James. My arms were aching to hold my own baby! Oh, those cute little baby commercials drove me insane! There seemed to be a million of them on TV reminding me that I had no need to buy these products! Poor James felt the void in our lives also. He felt the pain like I did each month when I shook my head meaning no baby on the way.
I just can't truly put into words how much I physically hurt from wanting a baby so much. I even prayed to God that if there was a sick baby that needed to born to someone, let me be that mother. I would take care of that baby and love it so much! Give me the baby that no one else would want! The months, days, hours were just agonizing. We were coming up on the first birthday of James' Jr.'s stillbirth and no baby in sight. I went to doctors out of town for help. One wanted to do a procedure on me with the warning that I could not try to get pregnant for two months. It seemed like my only chance, so I had it done that day in his office. It hurt! I don't know how I made the 45 minute drive home by myself, but I did. I was driving and calculating in my mind the next the time we would be able to try again.
Easter weekend came late in April that year. James and I had plans with my twin and her husband to go away to the beach for the weekend. We left our home on Good Friday and made the hour and half drive to their home. My sister had a surprise for me. She had arranged for me to meet with her OB-GYN early Saturday morning at the hospital there. He was going to evaluate me. Her doctor was dearly loved by all. He must be a gem to see me on a Saturday! I was all for it! He spelled HOPE for me! The next morning my sister drove me to the hospital. I was greeted by warm smiles and an attitude that I was special and would be helped. My sister's MIL was there as she was the head nurse of the hospital. She prepared me for the evaluation. I'm not exactly sure what the doctor did, but very shortly I felt like I was in true labor! I did my share of yelling! My sister's MIL quickly gave me a shot of Demerol and I loved her for it! The exam and procedures took awhile. As long as I had that Demerol it didn't matter. The doctor assured me a baby would soon be on its way for us. There was nothing wrong with me that he didn't fix! Still happy on Demerol and some to go with me, off to the beach we went! My sis and I drove on ahead of our husbands. I remember so well feeling young again as she drove us over the Emerald Isle bridge in our blue mustang convertible with the top down and the music turned up loud. As we went over that bridge, I truly smiled and laughed without resolve for the first time in 11 months! It was a free feeling with the warm wind blowing through my hair and face. I was relaxed. For a few hours, I didn't think of James, Jr. or getting pregnant. I was just a young girl at the beach with the sun shining down on me.
I just can't truly put into words how much I physically hurt from wanting a baby so much. I even prayed to God that if there was a sick baby that needed to born to someone, let me be that mother. I would take care of that baby and love it so much! Give me the baby that no one else would want! The months, days, hours were just agonizing. We were coming up on the first birthday of James' Jr.'s stillbirth and no baby in sight. I went to doctors out of town for help. One wanted to do a procedure on me with the warning that I could not try to get pregnant for two months. It seemed like my only chance, so I had it done that day in his office. It hurt! I don't know how I made the 45 minute drive home by myself, but I did. I was driving and calculating in my mind the next the time we would be able to try again.
Easter weekend came late in April that year. James and I had plans with my twin and her husband to go away to the beach for the weekend. We left our home on Good Friday and made the hour and half drive to their home. My sister had a surprise for me. She had arranged for me to meet with her OB-GYN early Saturday morning at the hospital there. He was going to evaluate me. Her doctor was dearly loved by all. He must be a gem to see me on a Saturday! I was all for it! He spelled HOPE for me! The next morning my sister drove me to the hospital. I was greeted by warm smiles and an attitude that I was special and would be helped. My sister's MIL was there as she was the head nurse of the hospital. She prepared me for the evaluation. I'm not exactly sure what the doctor did, but very shortly I felt like I was in true labor! I did my share of yelling! My sister's MIL quickly gave me a shot of Demerol and I loved her for it! The exam and procedures took awhile. As long as I had that Demerol it didn't matter. The doctor assured me a baby would soon be on its way for us. There was nothing wrong with me that he didn't fix! Still happy on Demerol and some to go with me, off to the beach we went! My sis and I drove on ahead of our husbands. I remember so well feeling young again as she drove us over the Emerald Isle bridge in our blue mustang convertible with the top down and the music turned up loud. As we went over that bridge, I truly smiled and laughed without resolve for the first time in 11 months! It was a free feeling with the warm wind blowing through my hair and face. I was relaxed. For a few hours, I didn't think of James, Jr. or getting pregnant. I was just a young girl at the beach with the sun shining down on me.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Babyloss Membership
Once you have suffered the loss of a baby or babies, you are a member of a new club with lifetime membership, even if you have Rainbow Babies. Why? Because your angel babies are with you forever. You see them in the bright blue sky as well in the starlite sky. I see mine in the white puffy clouds as well as in the flowers, birds and butterflies fleeting around me. I smell my babies in Johnson & Johnson Baby Powder that I use everyday. Most of you are enduring the first raw year of loss. You will never ever forget this year, even when it eventually turns into Rainbow Baby Years. I am in my 38th year of babyloss. I not only have two Rainbow Babies, but three adorable grandchildren 2, 5, & 7. In them, I rejoice as I do when my grown Rainbow Babies call me mama or give me a big bear hug! However, I will always be a mother of babyloss first. I might add that I hold my grandchildren even closer and they are more precious to me. I love to hear them laugh and see them dance around. I love their messes and when they leave our home after a visit, I never wash their finger prints off of our big windows over-looking the water. James and I just marvel at their handprints. I think that is because we never had handprints of our baby James and Reita Gale. They are in their hospital files. Well, their footprints are. Today, baby files are under their mother's name so the mothers have access to them. When my babies were born, they had their own files and I can't get to them. I called the hospital where I gave birth to recently. I was told I could not have access to my own stillborn children's files because only they (babies who died, hello????) could have access. After going round and round and talking with the head of this department and that department, I just stopped trying...for the time being.
Some people might find it morbid or weird that I blog and tweet with babyloss mothers. I mean I have had 37 years to move on. You do move on for the most part, but that part of your heart and soul that holds the love for your angel baby or babies stays tucked safely within you forever. It is a warm place only you can feel and experience in your own way each day of your life. You also hold excitement there because you know you will get to see, hold, kiss and rejoice when you get to Heaven and your angel baby greets you along beside of Jesus. I know my parents and James' parents have met there grandchildren and have had this joy. While I enjoy my days here on Earth, don't cry for me when I die unless you cry with joy. I won't be crying. I will be dancing with my babies! Best of all, I won't be a member of the babyloss club anymore! I have tears as I write this! Hugs and love!
Some people might find it morbid or weird that I blog and tweet with babyloss mothers. I mean I have had 37 years to move on. You do move on for the most part, but that part of your heart and soul that holds the love for your angel baby or babies stays tucked safely within you forever. It is a warm place only you can feel and experience in your own way each day of your life. You also hold excitement there because you know you will get to see, hold, kiss and rejoice when you get to Heaven and your angel baby greets you along beside of Jesus. I know my parents and James' parents have met there grandchildren and have had this joy. While I enjoy my days here on Earth, don't cry for me when I die unless you cry with joy. I won't be crying. I will be dancing with my babies! Best of all, I won't be a member of the babyloss club anymore! I have tears as I write this! Hugs and love!
Monday, January 14, 2013
I Reached Bottom & Help Came
The night my husband didn't come home was a nightmare. Just when I thought things just couldn't get any worse, they did.
My SIL had her brought her newborn from across the state home to her parents. My MIL wanted a get together so everyone could meet the newest addition to our famly. I wouldn't go because I couldn't face seeing the baby in front of everyone. My hubby went because I told him he should. Just don't force me to go! It was a night of tiffs and taffs. My MIL wanted me there, hubby was caught in the middle. When he didn't come home by 11:00, I called my in-laws house and my MIL said he wasn't there. She also told me I should let him go.....divorce him so he could find someone else to marry that could give him children. We would both be better off. Words went down between her and myself. We hung up and I dropped to my lowest point ever. I loved my husband and he loved me. Grief was having a field day with us.
If you remember from my earlier post, my doctor had told us I was infertile due to endometriosis. We were going through the process of adoption when I became pregnant. Then our son was stillborn at 9 months. I had been on a roller coaster for the past year of you can't ever get pregnant, process of adopting, getting pregnant, stillbirth, intense grief, and each month finding out I wasn't pregnant. It was killing my insides no matter how positive I tried to be. Our name had been taken off the three year wait of adoption when I became pregnant, so to go that route again, we would have to start the whole process over to get back on the list. I wasn't ready for that again. I wanted to get pregnant again and now!
Out of the darkness of night, the phone rang. I ran to answer it. It was my twin sister. James was there. He had left the get together at his mom's soon after arriving and had driven an hour and a half to the country club in Washington on the Pamlico River where his parents kept their boat. He stayed there and thought about our situation. He then went to my twin sister's home there and talked with her and her husband. They were very sympathetic and let James talk his heart out. I was so glad to hear this. James would be coming home to me the next morning. Things were going to be alright. We had found our caring help.
My twin and her husband made us their project. They just took over and gave us help in every way possible. Every Friday when school let out, I left to go to their home. I was so welcomed! They acted liked my arrival made their weekend! Our ritual began. When I arrived on Friday's, we went to eat at this great seafood restaurant on the river. It was good eating! Then we would talk about James,Jr. until I was talked out. They just let me pour out everything I needed to for hours. I mean they were so interested in our son and what James and I were going through. At last, someone who actually acknowledge our son! They were so sad for us and really seemed to understand. (James couldn't come until Saturday afternoon b/c his daddy always made him work on Saturday's) Then the plan was that on Saturday's we did fun stuff and NOT concentrate on grief, but happy things. The had a son who was two. He was a handful and lots of fun! I wasn't uncomfortable going into his nursery. My sister just made it alright and comfortable. I would give them a break and get up with him on Saturday's. We always began the morning with eating a bowl of Apple Jacks! Then we would go outside about 6:30 AM and play on his swingset. I always enjoyed this special time with my nephew. My sis would then cook up a great breakfast when they got up. Yummy! There was sunshine, fun, and love. What a way to begin healing! We all looked forward to Saturday afternoon when James came. His arrival was as special to them as mine was. James found the warm greeting as healing as I did. We would go to a movie on Saturday night or whatever. We always enjoyed cooking a good steak on the grill. We called it our "Charking out time!" Time at their home was dedicated to us. They always made the weekend all about us. It was the greatest feeling in the world. We needed caring for and they did it. My twin also was on a mission to help me find any and all information about getting pregnant again. I truly think she was as disappointed as I was when each month I wasn't. Sunday's were sad because we had to go back home and leave our "safe haven." My sister called me every single day to see how I was doing during the week. Even if I said things were okay, she would keep probing until I gave in and told her the truth if it was a bad day for me. You might think a phone call from her wasn't that big of a deal. It was. Phone calls cost a lot of money per minute back in the 1970's. Our husbands were "pretty good" about the phone bill! No cell phones then! No Skype or Facetime! That would have been so wonderful! My twin was so good to me and her husband was the best for James. They became like real brothers. Our friendship grew and deepened. They picked us up off the floor of grief and babyloss and gave us healing.
My SIL had her brought her newborn from across the state home to her parents. My MIL wanted a get together so everyone could meet the newest addition to our famly. I wouldn't go because I couldn't face seeing the baby in front of everyone. My hubby went because I told him he should. Just don't force me to go! It was a night of tiffs and taffs. My MIL wanted me there, hubby was caught in the middle. When he didn't come home by 11:00, I called my in-laws house and my MIL said he wasn't there. She also told me I should let him go.....divorce him so he could find someone else to marry that could give him children. We would both be better off. Words went down between her and myself. We hung up and I dropped to my lowest point ever. I loved my husband and he loved me. Grief was having a field day with us.
If you remember from my earlier post, my doctor had told us I was infertile due to endometriosis. We were going through the process of adoption when I became pregnant. Then our son was stillborn at 9 months. I had been on a roller coaster for the past year of you can't ever get pregnant, process of adopting, getting pregnant, stillbirth, intense grief, and each month finding out I wasn't pregnant. It was killing my insides no matter how positive I tried to be. Our name had been taken off the three year wait of adoption when I became pregnant, so to go that route again, we would have to start the whole process over to get back on the list. I wasn't ready for that again. I wanted to get pregnant again and now!
Out of the darkness of night, the phone rang. I ran to answer it. It was my twin sister. James was there. He had left the get together at his mom's soon after arriving and had driven an hour and a half to the country club in Washington on the Pamlico River where his parents kept their boat. He stayed there and thought about our situation. He then went to my twin sister's home there and talked with her and her husband. They were very sympathetic and let James talk his heart out. I was so glad to hear this. James would be coming home to me the next morning. Things were going to be alright. We had found our caring help.
My twin and her husband made us their project. They just took over and gave us help in every way possible. Every Friday when school let out, I left to go to their home. I was so welcomed! They acted liked my arrival made their weekend! Our ritual began. When I arrived on Friday's, we went to eat at this great seafood restaurant on the river. It was good eating! Then we would talk about James,Jr. until I was talked out. They just let me pour out everything I needed to for hours. I mean they were so interested in our son and what James and I were going through. At last, someone who actually acknowledge our son! They were so sad for us and really seemed to understand. (James couldn't come until Saturday afternoon b/c his daddy always made him work on Saturday's) Then the plan was that on Saturday's we did fun stuff and NOT concentrate on grief, but happy things. The had a son who was two. He was a handful and lots of fun! I wasn't uncomfortable going into his nursery. My sister just made it alright and comfortable. I would give them a break and get up with him on Saturday's. We always began the morning with eating a bowl of Apple Jacks! Then we would go outside about 6:30 AM and play on his swingset. I always enjoyed this special time with my nephew. My sis would then cook up a great breakfast when they got up. Yummy! There was sunshine, fun, and love. What a way to begin healing! We all looked forward to Saturday afternoon when James came. His arrival was as special to them as mine was. James found the warm greeting as healing as I did. We would go to a movie on Saturday night or whatever. We always enjoyed cooking a good steak on the grill. We called it our "Charking out time!" Time at their home was dedicated to us. They always made the weekend all about us. It was the greatest feeling in the world. We needed caring for and they did it. My twin also was on a mission to help me find any and all information about getting pregnant again. I truly think she was as disappointed as I was when each month I wasn't. Sunday's were sad because we had to go back home and leave our "safe haven." My sister called me every single day to see how I was doing during the week. Even if I said things were okay, she would keep probing until I gave in and told her the truth if it was a bad day for me. You might think a phone call from her wasn't that big of a deal. It was. Phone calls cost a lot of money per minute back in the 1970's. Our husbands were "pretty good" about the phone bill! No cell phones then! No Skype or Facetime! That would have been so wonderful! My twin was so good to me and her husband was the best for James. They became like real brothers. Our friendship grew and deepened. They picked us up off the floor of grief and babyloss and gave us healing.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Our Darkest Moment
The day I had been dreading since I first heard the news finally arrived. My SIL and her husband were coming to town with their newborn son. If you remember in my earlier post she had told me she was pregnant less than an hour after I gave stillbirth.
James had come home for lunch that cold dreary day in January with the news. His mom was having a "Meet the New Baby" gathering for family and a few close friends and neighbors. This certainly was a very proper thing to do. I could only imagine how excited they were to have their new grandson in their home for a few days. It truly was a very happy time for all. It only brought anxiety to me as James told me his mother was expecting me to attend. She told James that my getting out and seeing the new baby would be a positive step for me in moving on. She told him also that she new of women that experienced the loss of a baby that went so deep into grief that they never came out of it. This news scared James and he encouraged me to great lengths to go over to his parents home that coming Friday night. My MIL was doing what she thought was best for me. She had never suffered babyloss. She didn't realize that you just have to ride out the wave of grief. Forcing one to get out and live again before they are ready just makes things worse.
How was I suppose to handle this when I was still so deep in grief? I didn't understand grief or why I seemed to be so deep in it after 7 months. I had never been around grief before. How long did it last? What was normal? Was I normal? I didn't know if I was or not. I didn't know if this feeling would last forever or not. Maybe my MIL was right! The only thing I knew for sure was I hurt and wasn't in control of my emotions. I felt so helpless. Why was I compelled to think about James, Jr. every waking second? He was my life! He was my baby and I wanted him to hold so much! My love for him was undescribable! I had no idea that it was normal to grieve like I was for up to three years! I found that out much later. So was I being unreasonable not to see the baby in front of everybody? It wasn't that I didn't want to go, but that I just couldn't!
My thinking was that perhaps my SIL could come over to our home the next day so I could meet my new nephew with her in privacy. I thought I could handle that just fine, and maybe I could take my time to perhaps hold him. Who knows? But please, don't make me do this in front of others. I would feel there eyes on me, watching my every move. I was terrified of crying or having some sort of weird melt down if I was just thrown at the baby and everyone gabbing about him at one time. If she held out the baby to me, would I possibly just freeze? I had not seen a newborn since looking at my own stillborn son. I didn't know what to expect as I was so emotional about my son's death and about not being pregnant again yet. I didn't want to embarrass myself or make anyone uncomfortable and spoil the baby's homecoming. Why couldn't anyone see that?
My FIL came over to our home to have a talk with me. I explained as best as I could my feelings and reasonings. I thought he understood. He seemed to and I felt better. Still, my MIL felt I wasn't moving on as I should and seeing the baby would help.
As it turned out, I told James to go without me and he did. It turns out that James, who was at a lost about the stages of grief as I was, thought long and hard about what his mother had said about my getting so deep into grief that I would never snap out of it. At home I sat and waited. It was getting late, so I called my MIL to see if he was still there. He wasn't. She took that opportunity to tell me that perhaps James and I should get a divorce. That way, we could put all of this behind us, find somebody else and be happy. I told her how in love we were and that wasn't an option! James never came home that night. It was my darkest moment. Instead he drove to Washington to the river to think. He ended up calling my twin sister's husband for help. He went to their home. It was the beginning of our turning point in baby loss.
James had come home for lunch that cold dreary day in January with the news. His mom was having a "Meet the New Baby" gathering for family and a few close friends and neighbors. This certainly was a very proper thing to do. I could only imagine how excited they were to have their new grandson in their home for a few days. It truly was a very happy time for all. It only brought anxiety to me as James told me his mother was expecting me to attend. She told James that my getting out and seeing the new baby would be a positive step for me in moving on. She told him also that she new of women that experienced the loss of a baby that went so deep into grief that they never came out of it. This news scared James and he encouraged me to great lengths to go over to his parents home that coming Friday night. My MIL was doing what she thought was best for me. She had never suffered babyloss. She didn't realize that you just have to ride out the wave of grief. Forcing one to get out and live again before they are ready just makes things worse.
How was I suppose to handle this when I was still so deep in grief? I didn't understand grief or why I seemed to be so deep in it after 7 months. I had never been around grief before. How long did it last? What was normal? Was I normal? I didn't know if I was or not. I didn't know if this feeling would last forever or not. Maybe my MIL was right! The only thing I knew for sure was I hurt and wasn't in control of my emotions. I felt so helpless. Why was I compelled to think about James, Jr. every waking second? He was my life! He was my baby and I wanted him to hold so much! My love for him was undescribable! I had no idea that it was normal to grieve like I was for up to three years! I found that out much later. So was I being unreasonable not to see the baby in front of everybody? It wasn't that I didn't want to go, but that I just couldn't!
My thinking was that perhaps my SIL could come over to our home the next day so I could meet my new nephew with her in privacy. I thought I could handle that just fine, and maybe I could take my time to perhaps hold him. Who knows? But please, don't make me do this in front of others. I would feel there eyes on me, watching my every move. I was terrified of crying or having some sort of weird melt down if I was just thrown at the baby and everyone gabbing about him at one time. If she held out the baby to me, would I possibly just freeze? I had not seen a newborn since looking at my own stillborn son. I didn't know what to expect as I was so emotional about my son's death and about not being pregnant again yet. I didn't want to embarrass myself or make anyone uncomfortable and spoil the baby's homecoming. Why couldn't anyone see that?
My FIL came over to our home to have a talk with me. I explained as best as I could my feelings and reasonings. I thought he understood. He seemed to and I felt better. Still, my MIL felt I wasn't moving on as I should and seeing the baby would help.
As it turned out, I told James to go without me and he did. It turns out that James, who was at a lost about the stages of grief as I was, thought long and hard about what his mother had said about my getting so deep into grief that I would never snap out of it. At home I sat and waited. It was getting late, so I called my MIL to see if he was still there. He wasn't. She took that opportunity to tell me that perhaps James and I should get a divorce. That way, we could put all of this behind us, find somebody else and be happy. I told her how in love we were and that wasn't an option! James never came home that night. It was my darkest moment. Instead he drove to Washington to the river to think. He ended up calling my twin sister's husband for help. He went to their home. It was the beginning of our turning point in baby loss.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Snapshots During My First Months After Babyloss
Blog of Pictures, My Memories
Below: This is me taken aboard the Edna Mae during a weekend of "fun" on the Pamlico
River.
Notice my chain with the baby head charm I'm wearing. I had turned 25 that July after
James, Jr.'s death in May of 1975.
Below: Here I am in California at Disneyland during July. I really tried to enjoy the trip.
Here to the right is the Rabbit Quilt I was working on in an earlier post. It is finished and has been enjoyed by my two Rainbow Sons & our three grandchildren!
Left: We are out on our boat with friends. I am in the white shirt trying to smile and enjoy the day.
Below: This is me taken aboard the Edna Mae during a weekend of "fun" on the Pamlico
River.
Notice my chain with the baby head charm I'm wearing. I had turned 25 that July after
James, Jr.'s death in May of 1975.
Below: Here I am in California at Disneyland during July. I really tried to enjoy the trip.
Below: The clear medication case from the hospital Room 218 written on it. The top of the mobile I played over and over with the angel on it, the packet from the funeral home of who sent flowers, a pink & blue floral baby blanket Cindy's mom made with blue scalloped edges, the yellow, white, and green Mrs. Fitts made for me, and on botton of everything is a white knitted carriage blanket for my wicker pram Grandma Hudson made for her great-grandson. I saved these among other things all of these years. I wash the blankets in Ivory Snow at least once a year to keep them soft and smelling good.
Here to the right is the Rabbit Quilt I was working on in an earlier post. It is finished and has been enjoyed by my two Rainbow Sons & our three grandchildren!
Here, below, is the rocking chair by the air-conditioner ( see earlier post) I would rock in. Sitting in the chair is the Winnie-the-Pooh bear we bought at Disneyland.
The booklets from the Billy Graham Association from that summer night..........
Left: We are out on our boat with friends. I am in the white shirt trying to smile and enjoy the day.
Below: That fall we went to the NC Mountains. Again, struggling to be happy.
Finally, below, You can see how we played, Santa, by decorating our son's grave. Everything is made of flowers. It isn't toys under the tree, but all we could do with babyloss. This year, 37 years later, we continued to decorate at the gravesite.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Please Understand Us
My posts talk about 37 years ago when James and I had our stillborn son, James Collins, Jr. As you know from your experiences, those first months and year are very rough and raw. Your emotions are all over the place. So many things come your way you don't understand or know how to handle because of your intense grief. Losing a tiny precious newborn that you have planned for over the past 9 months ( or what ever the age you lost your child) is just something you can't comprehend right away. It hurts so much and takes time for your rippped hearts to heal. It comes in bits and pieces. We are super sensitive and rightfully so. Some of us have had complications above our babyloss such as lack of infertility and insensitive families.
James and I made it through those horrible first months and years. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of time and patience. We learned about the "do list that helps" and the "don't list" which makes recovery so much harder.
James has received some flack because of the way he let his mother run all over us. Let me tell you that James is one heck of a good man even though it may not come accross that way in some of my posts. He was not only stunned by grief, but also by his mother. Here is some background information.
I married James because of his kindness and good heart, not to mention he is good-looking! I fell for him the first time I ever layed eyes on him. I really did! So tall, dark and handsome! Wonderful blue eyes! I noticed while dating James how he loved and treated his little Boston Terrior, Mickey. I also noticed that when he had been away from his parents such as college, he greeted them with a hug or kiss....always. He was close to his family. I admired that in him.....he would make a good family man. His parents were good people. Also, my parents just loved James. They saw the good in him and how he treated me. My daddy was a strict daddy. He had to be raising 5 girls! He immediately said yes, when James asked him for my hand in marriage. We grew up in the 1950's and 60's. Children respected their parents, didn't talk back to them or any adult, NEVER questioned their parents. You just did what they said and that was the end of it. We trusted our parents to direct us to right paths. Another rule, if you didn't go to Sunday School and church on Sunday, well no dating the next weekend.
Looking back through my posts, some of you have read where his parents, especially his mother, was very hurtful and pushy during the time of our son's death. Well, they were. You saw how my mother wouldn't talk to me one night when I called her. James and I have discussed our family's reactions to us over and over. We will never understand why they did what they did at this time in our life. We have given excuses for them. 1) death of a baby was hush-hush back then 2) they REALLY didn't understand 3) they didn't know HOW to treat us 4) the faster it was over with the better off we would be 5) they didn't want to be drug down along with us 6) they just couldn't deal with it
Respect your parents at all cost! We grew up in that era. Right or wrong, that is the way it was. James and I both were weak after our son's death. We were blindsided as it happened so quickly plus we just had no knowledge about stillbirth. We were in great shock and trusted our parents to lead us the right way. We wanted to keep peace so we both gave in when we shouldn't have. Why would our parents steer us wrong? They had never let us down before.
Poor James did NOT know how to please both a grief-stricken wife who made no sense most of the time and his mother. He was torn to pieces. He confided in me recently that he would go upstairs at work ( family owned business) to the stock room and cry his eyes out. I never knew this until I started blogging. This was such a tender moment between us as I realized how much he tried to protect me during that time. I love him for telling me that even if it took 37 years to get it out. It was healing for me to hear.
We have been throught the death of two babies plus many of the trials and tribulations that come with life and marriage. I can tell you that today, after 42 years of marriage, we share an understanding and love that is stronger and deeper than we ever could have imagined. Our Rainbow Babies are out on their own, we have real time for each other now, and are so in love with our grandchildren.
Life teaches you many lessons along the road. If you can learn from them, you are all the better off for it. We learned. It helped when we had our next stillbirth, our daughter, Reita Gale. I haven't reached that part in my blogging. We did that one our way. No regrets.
If I can leave you with one thought today, it would be that James and and I are so richly blessed by our love for each other and are experiencing true happiness ONLY through our faith in God Almighty. He has blessed our marriage and life beyond our greatest expections.
Please just keep this post in mind when you read the rest of our story! Recovery is a life long process as we have discovered or I wouldn't be writing this blog, 37 years later!
Hugs to you all!
James and I made it through those horrible first months and years. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of time and patience. We learned about the "do list that helps" and the "don't list" which makes recovery so much harder.
James has received some flack because of the way he let his mother run all over us. Let me tell you that James is one heck of a good man even though it may not come accross that way in some of my posts. He was not only stunned by grief, but also by his mother. Here is some background information.
I married James because of his kindness and good heart, not to mention he is good-looking! I fell for him the first time I ever layed eyes on him. I really did! So tall, dark and handsome! Wonderful blue eyes! I noticed while dating James how he loved and treated his little Boston Terrior, Mickey. I also noticed that when he had been away from his parents such as college, he greeted them with a hug or kiss....always. He was close to his family. I admired that in him.....he would make a good family man. His parents were good people. Also, my parents just loved James. They saw the good in him and how he treated me. My daddy was a strict daddy. He had to be raising 5 girls! He immediately said yes, when James asked him for my hand in marriage. We grew up in the 1950's and 60's. Children respected their parents, didn't talk back to them or any adult, NEVER questioned their parents. You just did what they said and that was the end of it. We trusted our parents to direct us to right paths. Another rule, if you didn't go to Sunday School and church on Sunday, well no dating the next weekend.
Looking back through my posts, some of you have read where his parents, especially his mother, was very hurtful and pushy during the time of our son's death. Well, they were. You saw how my mother wouldn't talk to me one night when I called her. James and I have discussed our family's reactions to us over and over. We will never understand why they did what they did at this time in our life. We have given excuses for them. 1) death of a baby was hush-hush back then 2) they REALLY didn't understand 3) they didn't know HOW to treat us 4) the faster it was over with the better off we would be 5) they didn't want to be drug down along with us 6) they just couldn't deal with it
Respect your parents at all cost! We grew up in that era. Right or wrong, that is the way it was. James and I both were weak after our son's death. We were blindsided as it happened so quickly plus we just had no knowledge about stillbirth. We were in great shock and trusted our parents to lead us the right way. We wanted to keep peace so we both gave in when we shouldn't have. Why would our parents steer us wrong? They had never let us down before.
Poor James did NOT know how to please both a grief-stricken wife who made no sense most of the time and his mother. He was torn to pieces. He confided in me recently that he would go upstairs at work ( family owned business) to the stock room and cry his eyes out. I never knew this until I started blogging. This was such a tender moment between us as I realized how much he tried to protect me during that time. I love him for telling me that even if it took 37 years to get it out. It was healing for me to hear.
We have been throught the death of two babies plus many of the trials and tribulations that come with life and marriage. I can tell you that today, after 42 years of marriage, we share an understanding and love that is stronger and deeper than we ever could have imagined. Our Rainbow Babies are out on their own, we have real time for each other now, and are so in love with our grandchildren.
Life teaches you many lessons along the road. If you can learn from them, you are all the better off for it. We learned. It helped when we had our next stillbirth, our daughter, Reita Gale. I haven't reached that part in my blogging. We did that one our way. No regrets.
If I can leave you with one thought today, it would be that James and and I are so richly blessed by our love for each other and are experiencing true happiness ONLY through our faith in God Almighty. He has blessed our marriage and life beyond our greatest expections.
Please just keep this post in mind when you read the rest of our story! Recovery is a life long process as we have discovered or I wouldn't be writing this blog, 37 years later!
Hugs to you all!
Monday, January 7, 2013
New Year's Eve & I Lost It
Our best friends were having a New Year's Eve party. James really wanted to go and I thought I did too. We got all dressed up and were riding across town to our friends' home. Out of the blue I just started bawling my eyes out. I had no warning this was coming, it just happened. I suggested to James that maybe we shouldn't go to the party. He thought it would be better once we got to the party. Running through my head over and over that the year was ending, we were leaving it behind to begin another one. Wait one minute. This made me think that if I was leaving 1975 behind me, then I was also leaving James, Jr. behind. I began to feel guilty. I began to panic. I didn't want a new year to replace any part of my dear baby James and what had happened to us. I was so afraid he would be forgotten, left behind. I felt like perhaps he saw us as leaving him behind. It was like losing him all over again! Stop the clock from the count down!
I calmed down enough to go into the party, but my face had been washed by tears and it showed. I got into the punch right away to put me into a party mood. Really??? That never happened as much as I tried. We left right after midnight.
My son would have been 7 months old that night. We should have had to get a baby sitter to go out. When we got home, there was no baby sitter to pay and no baby. Just a lonely home with James and myself. It was so depressing. Would there ever be relief of this cancer called grief?
We went antiquing the next day with a couple we were good friends with. There was a great antique show and auction in Virginia that day. Just getting out and exploring the VA countryside was a brief outlet. I don't remember if we bought a single thing, but it was nice to get out. Those friends dropped what they were doing to go out with us that day. I'll never forget them for that. We remain close friends to this very day.
So whether I liked it or not, 1976 came and thus began a New Year. It would prove to be both rough, hard and kind to us.
I calmed down enough to go into the party, but my face had been washed by tears and it showed. I got into the punch right away to put me into a party mood. Really??? That never happened as much as I tried. We left right after midnight.
My son would have been 7 months old that night. We should have had to get a baby sitter to go out. When we got home, there was no baby sitter to pay and no baby. Just a lonely home with James and myself. It was so depressing. Would there ever be relief of this cancer called grief?
We went antiquing the next day with a couple we were good friends with. There was a great antique show and auction in Virginia that day. Just getting out and exploring the VA countryside was a brief outlet. I don't remember if we bought a single thing, but it was nice to get out. Those friends dropped what they were doing to go out with us that day. I'll never forget them for that. We remain close friends to this very day.
So whether I liked it or not, 1976 came and thus began a New Year. It would prove to be both rough, hard and kind to us.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Time Passes And No Rainbow Baby In Sight
Summer is a time of year that usually made me so happy. It is a time of getting outside and enjoying the sunshine and singing birds along with the beautiful flowers in every one's yards. What a great time to be strolling my baby, but he was in the ground, although I knew in my heart he really wasn't in the ground......he was watching us from Heaven. I enjoyed my time with James, Jr. by visiting his grave. The ground was warm and there were green trees and grass with a pond near by. I always made sure his grave had flowers or some type of baby decoration. His foot stone had been laid by now. I had fallen in love with the tiny baby booties many people had knitted for us, so I wanted his foot stone to have baby booties on it. It also had his full name and date of birth and death. I always noticed the names of the other babies on foot stones or head stones. I wanted a headstone, but it was just too much money for us at that time. I always had the same facial expression, the face of grief. I didn't want that face or the way my voice sounded....mundane. It was hard to get excited about anything. Each month became a time of disappointment as I was not getting pregnant again. I knew another baby would never replace our sweet baby James, but I wanted a baby to hold. I would always tell him or her about our first son and show where he was laid to rest.
As time passed, I did the motions to get out of my despair. James and I always enjoyed weekends on the Pamlico River where we did most of our dating. We were both boating lovers and it was natural for us to be out on our boat. I tried my best to enjoy those times and they did help. Really. It was good to be out with our boating friends. I just wished I could shake this burden of grief that weighed a ton on my shoulders constantly.
I was home alone one night while James was working. I was in one of times when you fall off the cliff and was engulfed with grief. I was praying with all of my heart and soul as tears of hurt ran down my cheeks. Then I saw The Billy Graham Crusades on TV. I wasn't a usual watcher of these programs, but I was desperate to hear of hope. His program was very good and seemed to just speak to me. I bowed down and gave my life to Christ for the second time in my life. It had more meaning to me that night than anything. Afterward, I called the number on the TV screen and got grief counseling. Days later I received material from the Billy Graham Association about grief called, When A Child Dies and one called Clouds. A also got a personal letter of sympathy. I let God in more than ever on my journey. I was glad.
School started in August. I was glad to get back with my teacher friends and students. The beginning of a school year has always been a fresh start. So was this one. I didn't bring to school this year a pregnancy or baby, just the baby in my heart hidden in silence. My friends there were so up beat and supportive for me. I felt so comfortable.
We took a trip to the NC mountains with friends James had since childhood. It was a great get away, but the cloud of grief hung over. We also did some antiquing for our new home while there.
I was back enjoying my bridge groups and often had dinner parties at our home. I enjoyed entertaining and it kept me busy. I kept hope month after month for a new pregnancy, but there was none. That week out of the month was always a hard one for me.
That October 12th my nephew was having his 2nd birthday party at my parents home since they had a wonderful backyard and fenced in! It was a beautiful party on a hot October sunny day. I loved my nephew and enjoyed his party. I enjoyed being home. I remember the dress I wore and the face I wore. It was a happy face mixed with sadness. You just can't hide the sadness no matter how much you want to! If I had just been pregnant by now! During the party, I learned that my brother's wife was pregnant and due in March of 1976. What? She already had two healthy children! I was happy for her. She has always been so kind to me. I could feel her uneasiness around me. That was her way of veing thoughtful. You see, she had loss two children to miscarriage and new the feeling of loss. I wished her well, but still wanted people wishing me well on my wanted pregnancy. I knew my family was pulling for me, but what do you say?
Thanksgiving came that November of 1975. It was not a bad day. I tried to think of all the things I needed to be thankful for. I just thought as I ate at the Fitts Family Thanksgiving table that this was the one year I had nothing to be thankful for. No pregnancy and my baby James' first Thanksgiving in Heaven. I WAS thankful for Heaven always as it was my son's home now.
Christmas was nearing and so was my other sister-in-law's due date in December. Remember, she was the one who told me she was pregnant while I was still in the hospital after giving birth to my stillborn son, James, Jr. I was dreading my first Christmas without my son and the new baby. I think I would have been far more happy about the new baby if it were not told to me the way it was. Also, her constant smoking while carrying her baby knowing well the dangers it proposed to her unborn baby, including having a stillborn baby. My MIL smoked around her non stop also. I think that in itself showed to me they had no clue the pain having a stillborn can be like.
As time passed, I did the motions to get out of my despair. James and I always enjoyed weekends on the Pamlico River where we did most of our dating. We were both boating lovers and it was natural for us to be out on our boat. I tried my best to enjoy those times and they did help. Really. It was good to be out with our boating friends. I just wished I could shake this burden of grief that weighed a ton on my shoulders constantly.
I was home alone one night while James was working. I was in one of times when you fall off the cliff and was engulfed with grief. I was praying with all of my heart and soul as tears of hurt ran down my cheeks. Then I saw The Billy Graham Crusades on TV. I wasn't a usual watcher of these programs, but I was desperate to hear of hope. His program was very good and seemed to just speak to me. I bowed down and gave my life to Christ for the second time in my life. It had more meaning to me that night than anything. Afterward, I called the number on the TV screen and got grief counseling. Days later I received material from the Billy Graham Association about grief called, When A Child Dies and one called Clouds. A also got a personal letter of sympathy. I let God in more than ever on my journey. I was glad.
School started in August. I was glad to get back with my teacher friends and students. The beginning of a school year has always been a fresh start. So was this one. I didn't bring to school this year a pregnancy or baby, just the baby in my heart hidden in silence. My friends there were so up beat and supportive for me. I felt so comfortable.
We took a trip to the NC mountains with friends James had since childhood. It was a great get away, but the cloud of grief hung over. We also did some antiquing for our new home while there.
I was back enjoying my bridge groups and often had dinner parties at our home. I enjoyed entertaining and it kept me busy. I kept hope month after month for a new pregnancy, but there was none. That week out of the month was always a hard one for me.
That October 12th my nephew was having his 2nd birthday party at my parents home since they had a wonderful backyard and fenced in! It was a beautiful party on a hot October sunny day. I loved my nephew and enjoyed his party. I enjoyed being home. I remember the dress I wore and the face I wore. It was a happy face mixed with sadness. You just can't hide the sadness no matter how much you want to! If I had just been pregnant by now! During the party, I learned that my brother's wife was pregnant and due in March of 1976. What? She already had two healthy children! I was happy for her. She has always been so kind to me. I could feel her uneasiness around me. That was her way of veing thoughtful. You see, she had loss two children to miscarriage and new the feeling of loss. I wished her well, but still wanted people wishing me well on my wanted pregnancy. I knew my family was pulling for me, but what do you say?
Thanksgiving came that November of 1975. It was not a bad day. I tried to think of all the things I needed to be thankful for. I just thought as I ate at the Fitts Family Thanksgiving table that this was the one year I had nothing to be thankful for. No pregnancy and my baby James' first Thanksgiving in Heaven. I WAS thankful for Heaven always as it was my son's home now.
Christmas was nearing and so was my other sister-in-law's due date in December. Remember, she was the one who told me she was pregnant while I was still in the hospital after giving birth to my stillborn son, James, Jr. I was dreading my first Christmas without my son and the new baby. I think I would have been far more happy about the new baby if it were not told to me the way it was. Also, her constant smoking while carrying her baby knowing well the dangers it proposed to her unborn baby, including having a stillborn baby. My MIL smoked around her non stop also. I think that in itself showed to me they had no clue the pain having a stillborn can be like.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
2012 Gave Me YOU!
I struggled alone in Babyloss for 37 years! Can you even pathom that? It was a time when the death of a baby was a subject to put under the rug. For goodness sake, NEVER speak of the baby because well, it isn't polite! Did you know that? It was only whispered about. Once in a while I could talk about it when I was brave enough to say I had a son in Heaven.
I had my bridge group over a few months later after "it" happened, and out of the blue I burst out crying. I must have let my mind wandered and thoughts of my beautiful baby son trickled in. I tried to apologize through my sobs. No one knew what to say and the atmosphere grew thick. These young women were my good friends. They felt for me, but didn't know what to say. Who really does? I felt sorry for them at the same time wondering if they would want me to play bridge with them the next month. So life went on with ups and downs for the next 37 years. When my Rainbow Babies were born, I joined the "real" mother's club. You know, play groups, etc. I almost got away with no more bumps in the road, but babyloss just had to hit me one more time in 1982 when my daughter was stillborn. No earthly daughter for James and me. More suffering. I couldn't believe I was once more a grieving mother going down that gut-wrenching road of pain again.
It is funny weird, but when I was teaching school in 1986, computers were put into our classrooms. We had to learn technology. I thought to myself that these machines would never last! They would come and go! Oh how wrong I was! By 2008 computers ruled! I couldn't teach without them! I was sent to a state technology convention for educators and became so hooked on the latest techy stuff! Never did I dream it would lead me to all of you in blogworld, Twitter, and FB. YOU have moved me on to my new goals in life. Thanks to Finley's mom, I will be working with my local hospital in 2013. RaeAnne has taught me so much about what is needed in baskets and how to get the baskets accepted! I found October 15th this year. We celebrated our babies for the first time EVER! I began my own blog in November. So many friends I have NEVER met in person, now mean the world to me! Jamie's mom sent me a bear, Kaylea's mom so much support, and Charley's mom, my children's name written in the sand. James, Jr. and Reita Gale are KNOWN in the babyloss world! I speak of them, their names and you do too! I am so amazed! Even so much more important is that my babies have friends! YOUR children's names are spoken by James and myself often to each other in our conversations. I would rather my children be here with us, but I wasn't asked. I, like you, have had to mother from afar although I can feel them with me so often. You have taught me how to better "mother" my Heavenly babies. I believe they are the same, never growing up, but very smart in all things. Christian's mom, Carly is doing a fantastic job helping us all with her projects from Australia. My UK friends have given me a new language! I just figured out yesterday what a bauble was and I hope I spelled it correctly! Tree ornaments! Nappies are diapers! You beautiful young moms and mums have taken me in and helped me grieve "proper" and meaningful. My husband, James, is grateful for you also. Thank you for the "Shout it Out Loud!" I wish in my day of giving birth, pictures were taken in the hospital instead of hiding the stillborn baby. I want to get the money for a cooling cot for our local hospital so stillborn babies can stay with their mothers. I was only allowed to " look" at my son while in the hospital. I do have some momentos.....my pain meds bottle with my room # on it, my mother's bracelet from the hospital, and all the cards I received. James and I are so grateful that you have chosen to share your baby pictures with us. They take our breath away at how beautiful your babies are in their sleep!
Thank you for being our friends, reading my blog, supporting us and making us feel wanted. We have been alone in this journey way to long. We still miss our babies, but as you tell we made it through the darkness. I can promise that you will too. Right at this moment in our lives, we are enjoying the happiest times ever with our Rainbow Babies & grandbabies! We wish this for you too!
I do hope my blog will be read in the year of 2013 by that mother or father out there that suffered Babyloss during the time we did. It is NEVER to late for them to have their babies recognized and loved by the group none of us asked to belong to, the group of Babyloss.
May 2013 Be Gentle to Each of You and I Pray You Get Your Rainbow Babies,
Gale
(@Fittsie)
.JPG)
James & Gale wishing kind days for you.
I had my bridge group over a few months later after "it" happened, and out of the blue I burst out crying. I must have let my mind wandered and thoughts of my beautiful baby son trickled in. I tried to apologize through my sobs. No one knew what to say and the atmosphere grew thick. These young women were my good friends. They felt for me, but didn't know what to say. Who really does? I felt sorry for them at the same time wondering if they would want me to play bridge with them the next month. So life went on with ups and downs for the next 37 years. When my Rainbow Babies were born, I joined the "real" mother's club. You know, play groups, etc. I almost got away with no more bumps in the road, but babyloss just had to hit me one more time in 1982 when my daughter was stillborn. No earthly daughter for James and me. More suffering. I couldn't believe I was once more a grieving mother going down that gut-wrenching road of pain again.
It is funny weird, but when I was teaching school in 1986, computers were put into our classrooms. We had to learn technology. I thought to myself that these machines would never last! They would come and go! Oh how wrong I was! By 2008 computers ruled! I couldn't teach without them! I was sent to a state technology convention for educators and became so hooked on the latest techy stuff! Never did I dream it would lead me to all of you in blogworld, Twitter, and FB. YOU have moved me on to my new goals in life. Thanks to Finley's mom, I will be working with my local hospital in 2013. RaeAnne has taught me so much about what is needed in baskets and how to get the baskets accepted! I found October 15th this year. We celebrated our babies for the first time EVER! I began my own blog in November. So many friends I have NEVER met in person, now mean the world to me! Jamie's mom sent me a bear, Kaylea's mom so much support, and Charley's mom, my children's name written in the sand. James, Jr. and Reita Gale are KNOWN in the babyloss world! I speak of them, their names and you do too! I am so amazed! Even so much more important is that my babies have friends! YOUR children's names are spoken by James and myself often to each other in our conversations. I would rather my children be here with us, but I wasn't asked. I, like you, have had to mother from afar although I can feel them with me so often. You have taught me how to better "mother" my Heavenly babies. I believe they are the same, never growing up, but very smart in all things. Christian's mom, Carly is doing a fantastic job helping us all with her projects from Australia. My UK friends have given me a new language! I just figured out yesterday what a bauble was and I hope I spelled it correctly! Tree ornaments! Nappies are diapers! You beautiful young moms and mums have taken me in and helped me grieve "proper" and meaningful. My husband, James, is grateful for you also. Thank you for the "Shout it Out Loud!" I wish in my day of giving birth, pictures were taken in the hospital instead of hiding the stillborn baby. I want to get the money for a cooling cot for our local hospital so stillborn babies can stay with their mothers. I was only allowed to " look" at my son while in the hospital. I do have some momentos.....my pain meds bottle with my room # on it, my mother's bracelet from the hospital, and all the cards I received. James and I are so grateful that you have chosen to share your baby pictures with us. They take our breath away at how beautiful your babies are in their sleep!
Thank you for being our friends, reading my blog, supporting us and making us feel wanted. We have been alone in this journey way to long. We still miss our babies, but as you tell we made it through the darkness. I can promise that you will too. Right at this moment in our lives, we are enjoying the happiest times ever with our Rainbow Babies & grandbabies! We wish this for you too!
I do hope my blog will be read in the year of 2013 by that mother or father out there that suffered Babyloss during the time we did. It is NEVER to late for them to have their babies recognized and loved by the group none of us asked to belong to, the group of Babyloss.
May 2013 Be Gentle to Each of You and I Pray You Get Your Rainbow Babies,
Gale
(@Fittsie)
.JPG)
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