Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Am I The Only Mother of Baby Loss Without Family Support?

I have been in a funk for the past day.  In reading all of the blogs and Kindle books, I have not found one mother who did not get support to help her through her mourning period.  It is bad enough to have a full term stillbirth, but without some kind of support system to help one get through this is just doubling the pain and loss.  I had friends to stop by for a little while, then go on with their lives.  I had not a single soul to talk to.  James had been told by his mom NOT to bring up the subject with me.  If we didn't talk about it, it would just go away.  She told him that we should forget this and go on thinking about the future.  James' mother had always been a person you could count on to help you in any situation.  I had wanted to be a mother like her!  But the death of our son brought out the worse in her.  She didn't deal well with death, so she avoided anything to do with it.  Well, I HAD to deal with death because it came knocking on MY door.  I had no choice!  James followed his mother's advice and never brought up the subject.  When I brought it up, he tolerated only a few minutes of talk before changing the subject or telling me that we shouldn't talk about it.  I should just get over it.  I hadn't even been in for my six weeks check-up yet and I should be over this?  I felt like James didn't love our son we had loss.  That made me very angry, especially when I was up all night because I just couldn't sleep and he was just snoring away.
One night about two weeks after baby James died, I needed to talk so badly to someone and James was sleeping.  It was around 11:00 PM.  I knew my mother stayed up late so I called her long distance in Washington, NC.  She finally picked up the phone and was immediately concerned with what was wrong.  I was crying.  She wanted to know why I was crying.  I told her between sobs that I missed my baby and that I needed someone to talk to.  People, this is just so true that it hurts me to say this in writing.  My mother said in an irritated voice that I had interrupted her watching her favorite movie, "On the Waterfront" and that IF I had been a good Christian, my baby would not have died.  She didn't know what was wrong with me because she had birthed 6 children with no problems.  I needed to live better in order to have a baby!  I was so taken back with what she said that I just hung up the phone in disbelief.  Was there something wrong with me?  How cruel of words could a mother ever say to her own child?  I must be  a misfit for her to do so.  James' mother treated me the same way.  I must be a really bad person. Non-deserving. I had no support from my family.  Dear God, what had I done to deserve this neglect?  I wasn't asking for the moon!  Just some private talk time to get out my emotions and have my son validated that he was a real baby born and died.  I was not fit for James because I could not give birth to a "real baby" for him.  At least that was what my MIL told me.  I didn't believe her or what my own mother had said over the phone.  I didn't get these people!  They didn't get me!  What I have never understood is why James listened to his mother and actually did what she said.  How could he be so full of grief and it not show?  There was no way I could begin to hide mine.  How could he?  Or was he not grieving?  I later found out he grieved in private but not in front  of me because he didn't want to upset me.  Well, it upset me more that I didn't see his grief!  When I had my son, it was in May of 1975.  At that time, fathers never went with their wives to doctor appointments.  It was just not proper for men to show up in an OB/GYN office.  It was indecent!  It was that way for everyone.  Women did this pregnancy and childbirth thing alone.  Fathers just passed out cigars after the wonderful birth!  We had no ultrasounds or pictures of our baby.  Nothing.  I can see where James was not as connected as I was.  He hadn't experienced the pregnancy or delivery.  Fathers were left completely out of the loop back then.  However, I needed compassion from somewhere. 
We moved into a new home in June.  That meant that I had to agree to take down the nursery.  We bought an antique trunk that I cleaned up and painted blue, pink, and white to match the now former nursery.  I covered the inside after dusting it with baby powder with baby themed contact paper.  Then I stored my most precious of all things, my baby clothes, diapers, toys, blankets and all nursery items.  I put the trunk at the foot of our bed in our new home.
Our new home was located near the cemetery which pleased me.  I could walk to James, Jr.s grave everyday and sit with him and talk.  Our new neighbor's saw the baby crib coming into the house and wanted to know when we were expecting.  I had to explain that we had just loss our son to stillbirth the month before.  I was always explaining where my baby was to the people at the grocery store and other places I frequented.  I was even asked to come back to my school to visit my students so that they could see I was alright.  Those kids showed more compassion than anyone.  They could not grasp what had happened or where my baby was, but they were just happy to hug me and see I was okay.  They were truly sorry that my baby could not be with me.

Well, I am at a point where I don't know if I should continue with my blogging.
I thought that my blog might help some new mother out in blogworld get through the grief of stillbirth and realize that life does go on and that one day there would be true laughter again.  But as I said earier in this post, you moms have support so I know you will survive.  But will I ever get over the trauma of going through my grief alone?

16 comments:

  1. I know it wasn't pleasant going through this alone but the fact that you did is a true testament to just how strong you are! I know someone who has had some of the things that were said to you said to her so I'm going to send her to your blog. You are AMAZING! And I read my Mama this blog as well and when it got to the part with your Mama, mine was irate! She said that moment would've been the last time my Mama heard my voice! How heartless can a person be to say that to their own daughter!? Being a Christian had NOTHING to do with James Jr dying! If being a "bad Christian" was the cause than ALOT of babies would be dying!! I hate when people drag religion into things! And don't worry, when Kaylea died sum evil people here told everyone it was my fault she died because I drank ONE Mt. Dew while I was pregnant! Ludacris LIES!! I believe Kayleas death affected my Mama just as much as me! I'm so sorry you had to endure all of this alone! Much love to you!!!!!!

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    1. Love to you for reading my blog! Fibally someone is actually listening to me and that is healing for me. I get to talk and I'm listened to! Hugs!

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  2. I didn't get any help/support, was years later after battling severe depression on my own, weighing just over 6st, I got some form of help. But it wasn't for my grief, it was for depression. They just kept throwing scripts for mental health drugs at me, but they made me like a zombie

    My son was born sleeping @38wks in 2006 xxx

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    1. I finally went into a depression that could have been avoided with proper grief support. Writing this blog and people like you hearing me helps so much! Thank you! Hugs!

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    2. I don't know who you are but you have my deepest sympathy on the loss of your son. My heart goes out to you! More hugs.

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  3. I had another comment that got somehow deleted when i was approving it. I'm so sorry b/c your comment made me feel so much better. I did get to read it.....thank you so very much for commenting and hearing my voice! HUGS!

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    1. Gale, Please keep blogging! I have hung on your every word and cried and cried with you and for you. I am a babyloss grandmother. Our little Samuel is with your precious children in heaven and it brings me comfort to know other children that were there waiting for him. I am so very, very sorry for your loss and so horrified by what you had to endure and still do. You are not alone now. We are here for you. Your children deserve to have their story told and you deserve to tell it even all these years later. Thank you for having the boldness to speak out. Hugs to you dear friend of the family, the family of little loves in heaven waiting for us. MaryJo

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  4. Gale, my heart is broken for you! You obviously are so strong to go through this alone. I'm so sorry your family was so horrible. You are doing the right thing by talking about this and reaching out to others. Have you seen Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope (http://facesofloss.com/)? It's a place to tell your story and get support from the babyloss community. Keep sharing! We're listening and remembering your sweet babies with you <3 Big hugs!

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  5. Thanks so much RaeAnne! Your comment helps so much! HUGS!

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  6. This is so heartbreaking. When I started my blog I had no readers, but it was healing just to write things down. I now have people read every post but it took a lot of time.

    You commented once on one of my posts that you are glad I had support. I did, but mostly I found online support and going to a local grief group the most helpful. My family came to Finley's funeral, but since then none of them even mention him. It's like a big elephant in the room.

    Big hugs.

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    1. I am so sorry Lisa. They move on so quickly and we don't. I don't know what I would do without my online support...I really don't. We have to help each other.

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  7. I just jumped over here from Catherine's blog and started looking around reading some old post. First I just have to say I am so very sorry for the awful comments you endured. I am sure that it still stings all these years later. I am so glad that you are able to blog now and find support from other mommies. I have received lots of support but also endured some horrific comments that turn my stomach to think about. You are brave and wonderful to share your precious Reita and James, thank you!

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  8. Thank you so much Tesha for your kind words. Online blogs, stories, babyloss friends have helped me tremendously over the past few months. So you were on Catherine's page. Oh my gosh! I read her story of Corbin and others. My husband asked me what I was so deeply reading and I told him we were lucky. We were spared the heartaches of surgeries and NICU and PNICU. Do you have a blog or story? I would love to read it. Also I do balloon releases for our Angel's Birthdays. I love creating these enviromentally safe balloons for others and releasing them over the Atlantic Ocean on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I NEED to give back! Since I am a retired school teacher, I know about crafting and try to make each balloon unique and send a photo to the parents to keep or frame for their memory boxes. I will have my logo up soon about this.
    Blessings, Gale galegfitts05@gmail.com

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  9. Hi gale I would love a balloon for our son Jonathan! This is my blog http://www.teshastreasures.com/ I agree giving back is so important I used to have a photography business and I really want to redo a web sight so I can volunteer for NILMDTS. Thank you:)

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  10. Tesha, I am looking for your blog. When is Jonathan's angel birthday? Any color scheme or messages or symbols? Whci angel birthday is this? Email me at galegfitts05@gmail.com HUGS! xx

    Gale

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  11. Please know that you are helping others through the most horrible time of their lives through you blogging. I am one of them. My sister gave birth a week after I had my full term stillborn daughter Sinza. While walking into the hospital to visit new mom and baby with my mother, she met a friend who she excitedly told, she just had her FIRST grand-daughter. The friend congratulated her and me (i still had the recently given birth look). But my mom "corrected" her and said, no this one she is not the mother!

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