They Quietly Left For My Son's Funeral Without Letting Me Know

I was upstairs resting while waiting to leave for my son's funeral.  My sister called me from the funeral home where my family had gathered to view my son.  Remember how James and I had closed the casket?  My family asked if I would tell the funeral director to open it for my side of the family.  I was in anguish again!  Of course I wanted them to see sweet little baby James, but I was torn!  James and I wanted to be the last ones to see him........oh what should I do?  I love my family so much and they had driven from all over NC to come.  What to do?  Why hadn't they come earlier to view?  It broke my heart, but I said no, don't open the casket.  I was afraid they might find something about him to criticize as my SIL had done.  I don't think they would, but my mind was in a daze.  Right or wrong, I had made the decision.  I can say now looking back, that I regret not letting my family see sweet baby James.  I hope they have understood and forgiven me.

My next door neighbor and best friend, Jenny was with me upstairs as I lay in resting mode.  Mrs. Fitts' best friend, Lois Rook, was also with Jenny to keep me company.  I loved both of these women so much and was glad to have their company.  I was reading in The News & Observer my baby's obituary, when the time of the funeral, 2:00, reminded me that it must be time to get ready.  I looked for the clock in the bedroom to see what time it was.  The clock was gone that had always been by that bedside stand.  I asked Lois and Jenny would they help me get ready and to check on the time.  That is when I heard the most horrible news ever!  Everyone had gone to the funeral and left me, the mother of the child being buried behind!  I jumped up in a fury!  I told Jenny to drive me to the cemetery that minute!!!  I can't begin to put into words the betrayal and raging anger I felt!  Lois and Jenny held me down and I fought them and cursed them.  They told me that my MIL  (yes, her again!!!) had said that she was afraid that I might hemmorage during the service and die, so they were told to keep me busy while the others quickly and quietly left for the funeral.  My baby was having a funeral I was being kept from!  I needed to be at the funeral!  I needed this experience or closure.  They were robbing me of this!  The only reson the doctor released me from the hospital was because he knew I needed this for healing purposes!  Why did James and MY family let my MIL get away with this????  Mama!  Why didn't YOU help me from that woman???  I fought and fought until the horrible afterbirth pains started again.  Pain killers weren't helping.  I made Lois and Jenny leave me alone.  I made it to the bathroom to get me a hot water bottle to put on my belly to ease the pain.  They almost stroked out when they saw it.  How was I supposed to know the heat could cause me to hemmorage andbesides at this point in time I didn't really care.  I just wanted to be with my baby to say good-bye before they lowered him into the deep dark ground and put all of that dirt on top of him.  Oh God in Heaven!  Please be with my son!  Keep him safe!  Welcome him into your waiting arms!  I just fell into a fetal position and cried my grieving angry heart out!  I would never forgive my mother-in-law for going against my doctor's orders and keeping me from my firstborn son's funeral!   James would hear about it.  Everyone would!  Just you wait til they got back!  Nice Gale was gone.  The fury of a mother's grief was in me and would be for a very very long time.