Tuesday, December 11, 2012

My First Day Home Alone

Silence engulfed me after James left for work.  Home alone to be with my thoughts and actions.  I love my husband, but I needed to explode for once by myself.  I was glad to be alone so I couldn't be judged on how I was handling my grief.  I let all of my grief stream out in anyway I felt like it.  I could cry all I wanted, but instead I just went to the nursery and touched the changing table table.  I felt the diapers and smelled the freshness of them.  I then just let my imagination go to where I couldn't in reality.  I stood there and imagined myself changing baby James' diaper and how soft his skin would feel.  I picked up his silver hair brush rubbing my fingers along the baby fine bristles.  My son was born with a head full of brown hair.  I should be brushing it this sunny Monday morning in May!  I picked up one of his light weight receiving blankets and held it to my face.  A wave of reality swept over me deep in my gut.  I would not be using these things.  My baby was dead.  Oh dear God!  Help me!  My son is dead!  I need to hold him now!  I need to mother him!  Still clinging to the baby blanket, I climbed into his white crib with my lavender bathrobe on and just curled up and cried.  Sounds very weird I'm sure.  I wanted to know what his crib would have felt like to him.  I wanted to feel closer to my baby by being in his crib.  I knew if anyone saw me in this state they would think I was crazy.  I didn't feel crazy.  Just so much in the pain of loneliness and longing for what nature had been building me up for during the past nine months before snatching it away.  How will I deal with this?  I have always been a happy person full of laughter!  I loved life!  Now I just hurt so much!  Was my life as I had known it over?  I was too young to experience death in this cruel way!  In a flash, I had aged way beyond my age of 24.  Laughter was not in my vocabulary anymore.  Life for others was going on as usual all around me.  Hold on everyone!  Didn't you get the memo?  My baby had died.  Stop living as usual people!  The world should stop turning because it sure had for me!  I honestly believed I would feel this intense agony for the rest of my life.  In fact, I was sure I would because I didn't have a clue as how to climb out of this nasty hold on me called grief.  Nothing mattered to me anymore.
I climbed out of the crib and walked down the hall into the bathroom.  I picked up my toothbrush and began to brush my teeth.  Life is moving on.  The birds are singing and the white puffy clouds are making shapes in the sky.  Help me.

1 comment:

  1. Gale, as I read these blogs everyday I long to run to you & hug you!! I see so much of myself as I read it! NO, YOU ARE NOT WEIRD! You are simply a mother yearning for her baby boy!! It's even worse that you were surrounded by horrible vile people (except James SR)! I cannot imagine going through the tragedy of a stillborn child without support from people that are supposed to love me! I actually cried reading the part about climbing into his crib! I read your blogs to my Mama & we both cry! I cry because I feel your pain! I know I've said it before but you are the epitome of bravery & strength! Much love to you!!