It hurts so deep into your heart and soul to lose a child. I was so close with James Collins, Jr. I could of least held him if it had been allowed back then. Who has the right to make decisions about your very own child? You would think the mother, but not in my case. I was so young and naive. I let others dictate and make decisions that were mine to make. It make me want to vomit.
But I was given a chance to have two wonderful rainbow sons. This time it was me making the decisions. I was blessed to have the honor of raising two sons and I was going to make the most of it. Even though I missed my first born son deeply, I did take on the role of a rainbow mom very seriously and with joy! I was so thrilled to be able to mother a live baby! Then two! I probably over did the mothering thing and was very protective. These were my special treasures God allowed me to mother on earth. I killed me to lose their sister later on. I am positive they would have been wonderful "big brothers" to her.
When I lost my second and last child, I had to grieve quicker and get on with the job of parenting my two sons with me. Warning: Love and grieve over your lost baby or babies, but don't forget your living children. I held back until after my sons had left home until I reached out to the baby loss community for help. Wow! The help I have received has been amazing! It has opened up so much and resolved many unanswered questions. It has been a time of real "shouting out" and "bringing out" so many feelings that had been locked away.
I believe I now have a healthy attitude toward my children in Heaven and my children and grandchildren on earth. I know there is a right blending of the two. My baby loss community and my family has helped me realize this. They have more understanding now as adults. It has helped tremendously!
I am looking forward to spending quality time with my sons, DIL, and my three wonderful little blessings called grandchildren this summer.
I won't forget my daughter on May 31st though. I want her to have the same opportunity James Collins, Jr had. I want her to be remembered on her birthday. It will be special.
I will always think of my loss. I will feel them close by as I always have. I will blow them sweet kisses at night. I will feel them in the breeze and when I see a butterfly. I will not hide them! I will meet them in heaven after I have finished my job on earth God gave me.......being a mother to the children I have here and a Grammy to my little sweethearts. I will rest in the peace of knowing their Father in Heaven is holding them for me.