Reita Gale's Heavenly birthday is next week. May 31st to be exact. I think about it but my feelings are on the outside looking at me. I am half afraid of it coming because from year to year I never know how I will react. Some years have been better than others. The weeks before James Collins'
Heavenly birthday earlier this month I was all over the place. My heart was so heavy I could barely breathe as the day got closer. Now as I deal with my second child's death anniversary, my stomach is all nervous. As much as we call this our childrens' angelversary it is also the anniversary of their death. Dealing with this twice in one month is just so hard. I mean come on, I just got over the hurdle of one child's death memories and now here the second one's is on the way. It is like can may just be over already? To protect myself from the second blow of the month, my body, emotions, and feelings have gone numb. Dormant. Mixed in the month are my husband's birthday the day after James Collins, Jr.'s funeral and my precious granddaughter's birthday, tomorrow. Geez, can you understand how I feel like I am in a washing machine agitating back and forth all month? Then June comes. June 3rd brings Reita Gale's funeral. I just hope my feelings stay numb. I don't want them alive and raw again. Then I feel guilt because Reita Gale doesn't get her full attention from me on her day. One would think that it is just two days out of the year I have to deal with. No it isn't! It is the before the day emotions building up. I hear it from all of you too, so I am glad I know I am not crazy for feeling the way I do. Then, in my case, as soon as I can breathe again, it starts all over again. I don't like feeling this way. She deserves her day. Her death was a stillbirth like her brother's, but at 20 weeks instead of being a full term baby. Did it hurt any less? No! I was in labor with her and birthed her. She didn't have the peaceful look on her face as her brother did. Her face was full of pain. It was so obvious. It was the first difference I noticed. I was able to hold her for hours. She was like a baby china doll at 1 lb 4 oz. I couldn't believe just how perfect she was at just 20 weeks. She was beautiful. She is my daughter. Can you believe I have a daughter when most people don't know that? Can you believe how much this still gets to me after having her 31 years ago? I don't have any little baby girl things that were hers, like I did for her brother. I had a whole nursery full of thing for him. She died before she had a nursery. I didn't even know she was a girl until her birth.
I am still numb. Even as I write this I am numb. Is something wrong with me this time?