I Need A Miracle

I am angry at the Department of Vital Statistics in Raleigh.  I first brought you this story in March, twice in April, and now today May 27th.  After going to Raleigh, many phone calls a day and resending in a new application with a second certified check, plus my only original copy of James Collins, Jr's  Certificate of Fetal Death issued in May of 1975, I still have no Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth.  I argued the point that I needed to send in this precious copy that i had kept so safe for 38 years, but they insisted it was necessary, so I did send it, reluctantly. 

I have never receieved any conformation from the Vital Statistics Department that they received my package, although I I know through the post office that they did get it and who signed for it.  We were told that our certificate would be given priorty and the item they needed to get it out was MY original copy of the Fetal Death Certificate.  Well, where is it?

I am in tears.  I am so afraid I'll never get what is rightfully his.  I am afraid they have lost my original certificate and that is why I haven't heard from them.  If anyone reading this has any advice for me, please contact me!

We are calling once more tomorrow.  We are going to Raleigh to the department Wednesday morning.  We are heated.  Why does this process have to cause more grief to the already grieving?
I am ready to take a lawyer's letter with me.  I am going to try to get the MISS Foundation behind us as they have had experience with dealing with this kind of problem.

Even though I am angry, I feel defeated already.  They don't care about my dead son.  They don't know how I feel.  I am not asking for a pity certificate.  I want my lawfully certificate.  It belongs to us. 

I hope James will fight for this for me.  I am depleted.  If you knew me, you would know that this feeling is not at all like me.  I need to be supported.  Hopefully by Wednesday, the fight will be back in me.

The Department of Vital Certificates in Raleigh, NC SUCKS!

She Made Me Her Mother

  I held her. I touched her tiny nose, and put her hand in mine.  I examined every inch of her 1 lb 4oz body.  She fit inside both of my hands.  She was a shade of red.  Her eyes were closed and her cheeks scrunched towards her mouth as both were expressing pain.  Don't anyone ever tell me a child in their 20th week of gestation doesn't feel pain, because she very clearly did.  But I held her and tried to soothe the pain away.  She had already left this body of hers made up of my DNA and her daddy's.  She was already in Heaven in the presence of her Heavenly Father.  I wonder if she had time to look down at her earthly parents as they caressed her body.  My body had been her home for the past 20 weeks.  Did she remember my heartbeat as I remembered her kicks?  Did she know about my tears and broken heart?  Tell me, how does one hold a tiny miracle like her, plan her funeral, stand by her grave and then go on with life as usual?   Just how can a mother do that?  She was and is my daughter.  I'll always remember the nurse bringing her to my room so James and I could be with her.  I'll never forget how she felt or looked.  She wasn't cold.  She was still warm from my body heat and then the warm blanket.  We did a life time of loving her that Memorial Day Weekend.  I birthed her, held her, memorized her, let my salty tears fall on her body and blanket, then gave her back to a nurse that I never even knew the name of.  I handed my tiny Reita Gale in all reality back to the One who made her perfectly in my womb.  I'll never understand why my daughter that I just knew the entire 20 weeks was really a daughter, was to live within me for 20 short weeks and then go back to Heaven.  God has a reason for everything.  There was one for her.  I don't know what it was or is,  but I do trust God.  I'm sure she is just fine and with her older brother.  Was it so I could see how precious life is even at 20 weeks?  I just can't believe that because of having a stillborn son already.  For the time being, I can say this by fact.  She made me the mother of a daughter.  I have my three sons (one in Heaven) and my one and only daughter, who lives in Heaven.
Everyone!  I am the mother of a daughter!  One blessed day, we shall dance in Heaven together!

                                                                           

 

Here I am with my rainbow, Taylor, and Reita Gale is obviously growing very well within me.

 

 

Burying Reita Gale beside her brother, James Collins Fitts, Jr

I'm Numb Right Now

Reita Gale's Heavenly birthday is next week.  May 31st to be exact.  I think about it but my feelings are on the outside looking at me.  I am half afraid of it coming because from year to year I never know how I will react.  Some years have been better than others.  The weeks before James Collins'
Heavenly birthday earlier this month I was all over the place.  My heart was so heavy I could barely breathe as the day got closer.  Now as I deal with my second child's death anniversary, my stomach is all nervous.  As much as we call this our childrens' angelversary it is also the anniversary of their death.  Dealing with this twice in one month is just so hard.  I mean come on, I just got over the hurdle of one child's death memories and now here the second one's is on the way.  It is like can may just be over already?  To protect myself from the second blow of the month, my body, emotions, and feelings have gone numb.  Dormant.  Mixed in the month are my husband's birthday the day after James Collins, Jr.'s funeral and my precious granddaughter's birthday, tomorrow.  Geez, can you understand how I feel like I am in a washing machine agitating back and forth all month?  Then June comes.  June 3rd brings Reita Gale's funeral.  I just hope my feelings stay numb.  I don't want them alive and raw again.  Then I feel guilt because Reita Gale doesn't get her full attention from me on her day.  One would think that it is just two days out of the year I have to deal with.  No it isn't!  It is the before the day emotions building up.  I hear it from all of you too, so I am glad I know I am not crazy for feeling the way I do.  Then, in my case, as soon as I can breathe again, it starts all over again.  I don't like feeling this way.  She deserves her day.  Her death was a stillbirth like her brother's, but at 20 weeks instead of being a full term baby.  Did it hurt any less?  No!  I was in labor with her and birthed her.  She didn't have the peaceful look on her face as her brother did.  Her face was full of pain.  It was so obvious.  It was the first difference I noticed.  I was able to hold her for hours.  She was like a baby china doll at 1 lb 4 oz.  I couldn't believe just how perfect she was at just 20 weeks.  She was beautiful.  She is my daughter.  Can you believe I have a daughter when most people don't know that?  Can you believe how much this still gets to me after having her 31 years ago?  I don't have any little baby girl things that were hers, like I did for her brother.  I had a whole nursery full of thing for him.  She died before she had a nursery.  I didn't even know she was a girl until her birth.
I am still numb.  Even as I write this I am numb.  Is something wrong with me this time?

My Mother's Day Project Pictures

Here are the pictures from the alternative Mother's Project I held.  As I decided not to release the seven dozen balloons into our environment, I made a big Mother's Day Card with all of our angel's names on it by the Atlantic Ocean on the Southern Outer Banks of North Carolina.  I hope you enjoy the photos.  I hope Mother's Day was kind to each of you remembering your angels.  Hugs....



                                                                    

  
                                                 My heart goes out to each of you..
                                                              I understand....       

 

 

The card from a distance with page one of names.

 

Page One of Names and Dates

 

Close up of your Angel's Names....there are several close-ups of page one first

 

 

Another close up of page one....

Another close-up of page one of names....

 

 

Yes, you are still a Mother!!!

 

Page One

 

Page One

 

 

Card Two

 

 

 

                                                  Close-up of Card Two Names

                                                                  

 

 

 

 

Another close-up of Card Two Angel Names

 

Card Two Close-Up

 

Card Two Close-Up

 

 

Card Two Entire Page

 

 

A yacht passes by to watch....

 

 

Peace be with each of you....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Warning!

It hurts so deep into your heart and soul to lose a child.  I was so close with James Collins, Jr.  I could of least held him if it had been allowed back then.  Who has the right to make decisions about your very own child?  You would think the mother, but not in my case.  I was so young and naive.  I let others dictate and make decisions that were mine to make.  It make me want to vomit.

But I was given a chance to have two wonderful rainbow sons.  This time it was me making the decisions. I was blessed to have the honor of raising two sons and I was going to make the most of it.  Even though I missed my first born son deeply, I did take on the role of a rainbow mom very seriously and with joy!  I was so thrilled to be  able to mother a live baby!  Then two!  I probably over did the mothering thing and was very protective.  These were my special treasures God allowed me to mother on earth.  I killed me to lose their sister later on.  I am positive they would have been wonderful "big brothers" to her.

When I lost my second and last child, I had to  grieve quicker and get on with the job of parenting my two sons with me.  Warning:  Love and grieve over your lost baby or babies, but don't forget your living children.  I held back until after my sons had left home until I reached out to the baby loss community for help.  Wow!  The help I have received has been amazing!  It has opened up so much and resolved many unanswered questions.  It has been a time of real "shouting out" and "bringing out" so many feelings that had been locked away.

I believe I now have a healthy attitude toward my children in Heaven and my children and grandchildren on earth.  I know there is a right blending of the two.  My baby loss community and my family has helped me realize this.  They have more understanding now as adults.  It has helped tremendously!

I am looking forward to spending quality time with my sons, DIL, and my three wonderful little blessings called grandchildren this summer.

I won't forget my daughter on May 31st  though.  I want her to have the same opportunity James Collins, Jr had.  I want her to be remembered on her birthday.  It will be special.

I will always think of my loss.  I will feel them close by as I always have.  I will blow them sweet kisses at night.  I will feel them in the breeze and when I see a butterfly. I will not hide them!  I will meet them in heaven after I have finished my job on earth God gave me.......being a mother to the children I have here and a Grammy to my little sweethearts.  I will rest in the peace of knowing their Father in Heaven is holding them for me.

Sometimes Just Ask

The anxiety started in April.  May 2 was around the corner.  James Collins, Jr's angelversary.  Knots began turning in my gut.  I became weepy.  I was remembering May 2, 1975 and all of the May 2nd's I had lived through.  Mother's Day would be a week after May 2nd.  I would finish up the month on May 31st with Reita Gale's angelversary.  She was buried on June 3rd.  I was beginning to smell those days of salty tears, sterile hospital delivery rooms, salty tears, and freshly turned dirt.

I decided this year I would take some control in a situation I have never had any control in.  I became proactive.  In all of my life I never thought I would plan an online birthday celebration for my son, but I did.  Check, smart idea!  You carried us by every second of the day.

I also decided to write and email my family asking them to participate in James Collins, Jr and Reita Gale's angelversaries with us.  I told my family what the dates meant to us what made me think of my children, and that I needed them just to write their names on anything and email it to us or mail it.
Would they call me crazy or come through?  I anxiously waited.  I was very nervous.

First, I had a very nice email come to me from one family member.  It was followed by two wonderful photos sent to me via email by another.  It was happening!  They were responding and writing my babies' names down!  Next, I got a messaged a Bible verse and my babies names written!
I received two packages the day before Mother's Day.   One was a copy of two pages from a children's book for my babies.  The other held three paintings which blew me away!  I had forgotten what an artist my sister was!  I have 5 siblings and everyone of them sent me something from their heart.  It means so much to me that they each, in their unique way thought of my James Collins, Jr and my Reita Gale.  I was elated and so very thankful for their remembrances.  My love for them is endless.

Wouldn't you know that I lost one of the pictures sent to me that I downloaded?  It was James Collins name written down and a candle lit glowing by it.  I loved that picture and hope it just pops up from wherever it is hiding!

Here are some of the items my sisters gave me.  My heart is full!

                                      A beautiful cloud with Reita Gale's name pretty in pink!
                                               

                                                                              

 

Pink tulips, a ladybug, and butterflies for Reita Gale

I like the way my sister painted this for Reita Gale and said it was from her Aunt Judy.

It showed me that she thinks of Reita Gale as her niece.

 

Isn't this painted butterfly just beautiful?

Blue kites flying high in the clouds for James Collins Jr.

 

 

The details!  The butterfly looks like he wants to say something!

 

I still can't believe my sister painted this!  She always has something up her sleeve!

See my daughter's name?

 

See my son's name?

 

 

A beautiful page from a children's book mailed to me by another sister! 

 

You Held Us Through The Day

There are no words to express my sincere thanks to the babyloss family for getting me through yesterday.  James was so touched by your kindness also.  It was the best May 2 we have ever experienced since the death of James Collins, Jr.  We owe it all to you!

Yesterday was cloudy, rainy, and windy.  Ugh!  Our plans for a picnic on the beach and releasing a balloon for our son was not going to work out.  Darkness starting up to hang over the day.... no it didn't stay long at all.  The moment I turned on my computer, all of you were there waiting for us like a surprise birthday party!  There were so many nice words of encouragement to wake up to!  You stayed with me all day long!  You never left me alone to fall and stumble.  Of course I had to show James all of the nice words and pictures, graphics, the sunrise, the tulips, the painting, the poem, name in the sand, two bears on the way, another package on the way, and I just can't put it all down because I would be here all day writing!  I was so impressed that you showed me details of what reminds me of my baby son....kites, blue, yellow, butterflies, dragonflies, the birds singing!  How nice all of you are!  I do think everyone got a kick out of Catherine M's photo's of the LED tea lights in the precious delicate holders she made!  She put the photo's on FB because she was afraid I wouldn't get them on time.  Then James walked in with a package from the UK!  You all followed as I posted each step of "ripping off the paper now," and then exclaiming as I opened each one of the gifts at a time online! It was just so cool opening that package with all of you right there with me!  Thank you Catherine!  You had them delivered right on time!  It was a highlight of the day!  Everyone got to enjoy your gift!  The ironic thing was that Catherine wasn't online herself at that moment to enjoy it with us, but she got to see all of the commotion and comments!

Even though the day was gloomy outside, you kept us warm and fuzzy inside. You wouldn't let us go.  You held us through the day, from the moment of wake up til bedtime.  How can I ever thank you?
  
For those of you not on Facebook here is a sample of what kept us going....wish I could published all of your comments too!      Go to You Tube and listen to "Precious Child" by Karen Taylor Good for me and for ALL of our babies.  http://youtube/3c_UOctrJDo.  Do it now!!!  HUGS!!!!! 
                                                                          

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wish I could put them all in this blog, but I can't!  I am working on a project to my favorite song in the world, Precious Child, as sung by Karen Taylor Good.  I want to include pictures and graphics there.

 

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Fittsie's Angels: They Quietly Left For My Son's Funeral Without L...: I was upstairs resting while waiting to leave for my son's funeral.  My sister called me from the funeral home where my family had gathe...

Melt Down In Wal-Mart

I got up this morning with a "to do list" a mile long.  I rushed and was on my way to Wal-Mart by 8:00.  I had my list to go by and would be out soon.  It didn't work out that way.  I got caught up in the crafts section and started browsing through the neat craft ideas.  Then the cool Wilton baking section caught my eye!  So many ways to decorate a cake!  I have two cakes to bake this week.  James Collins, Jr's birthday is tomorrow, May 2nd,  while James' is the 4th.  I was taking too long looking and couldn't make a decision of what to buy.  I was also tired because I just haven't been getting enough sleep lately.  Then this woman just started yelling at her toddler to shut-up.  The child wasn't even whining that I could hear.  The loud voice of the mother continued, while I was trying to concentrate on what to buy to decorate James Collins, Jr's Angel Birthday cake with.  All of a sudden tears began falling down my face.  Why couldn't this woman just be happy that she had her child with her and handle it without yelling so everyone in the store could hear her?  After one more yell, I headed over to where she was to plead with her to please stop.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  The negative vibes were more than I could take.  I thought she was one aisle over according to her screaming.  As I got to the end of my aisle to find her, a Wal-Mart employee showed up to see what was going on.  She too was tired of it.  I just looked at her with my tears coming down.  With a sympathetic look from her, I knew she would take care of it.  I don't know what happened because I never saw the lady or child or heard her screaming again.
My head was hurting by now and my eyes were too, so I just left without buying a thing.  What a way to start the day.  Where's the Advil?