I hope somebody out there understands me. I am not trying to be picky or mean, really. I feel really horrible about even bringing this up except that it bothers me. I have be going over this in my mind and can't come to terms with my problem yet. I feel so selfish for even having this bother me in the first place.
You see, two weeks ago my brother's 49 year old son died suddenly from an aneurysm. I cried when my brother told me because I knew the pain he was feeling ad would be feeling forever. I just hurt so much for him and his wife and other children. He lives several hours away from me, so I got up with two of my sisters to ride with to go right away to be with our brother. We met our other sister there.
Throughout the time we were together, the conversation of course turned to our brother and his wife coping with this loss. My sisters appeared to have all of the answers or suggested answers as to how things would be. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable being around them. I felt like one of them might say, "Well Gale, I'm sure you have some idea what it might be like for them since you lost your son too." It never entered their minds. To them, my loss was so insignificant compared to losing a child you had for 49 years. I know they meant no harm to me. Also, know two deaths are exactly alike. However, I DO know what its like to lose a child! I suddenly, just went very quiet. I went into a funk. I couldn't have spoken if someone was going to give me a million bucks to do so. Later that , night as my twin and I were changing for bed, I said something to her about it. I told her my feelings had been hurt. She gave me a look as to say, "Please, not your babies again!" I moved onto another subject because I knew I was being misunderstood.
So here is a touchy subject. What I wouldn't have given to have had James Collins or Reita Gale for 49 years before I had to face grief! Look at all the wonderful memories and pictures and videos they have of their son? The church was packed with people standing outside! What a tribute! His sister got up and had such wonderful words to share about the wonderful times she had with her brother. Now I know they are all suffering for their loss. You and I both know about that. They might learn to live with this in time, but they will never get over it. They can find comfort in their memories and speaking with friends who were close to their son. Friends who miss him also. They will be allowed to speak freely about their son. So I ask without expecting any response, if given the choice, would you want your child born dead or have 49 years with your child before death?
I wasn't given the choice nor were they, so I guess an answer isn't important.
I would like an honest opinion. Should I have kept this buried inside or blogged about it?
I definitely would not keep this inside. You have every right to be acknowledged as a grieving mother even if your child didn't live to be 49 years of age.
ReplyDeleteI would have loved to have known my son for 49 years. I only got to know him from the inside for 39 weeks/4 days. Oh, how I wish I knew what his eye color is, how he laughs, what kind of career he would have had, and who he would have married and had children. There is so much we have missed out on.
From one grieving mother to another--Hugs to you.
Oh Gale,
ReplyDeleteI would have felt the same as you. And I would have blogged about it. People who haven't lost a baby will never understand. I see it the same as losing a child of any age. Sometimes worse, as like you said, we have no happy memories or photos to remember.
It's not quite the same, but I read a post today that you might like to read:
http://recurrentlossandmovingforward.wordpress.com/2013/07/24/the-fine-line-of-empathy-in-the-world-of-miscarriage/
I found it really honest and thought provoking.
I'm sorry that your family have minimized your losses. I have gotten pretty honest with people about how they make me feel. And I don't care what others think about it to be honest.
Wishing you peace <3
Lisa | www.thestarsapart.com
Gale, I'm so sorry for the loss of your nephew and all the new grief it has brought to you and your family. I think it's impossible in times like this to not think about your own children and to re-live some of pain that you felt in the days following your own losses. I agree with you though that I would have much rather lost my son after 49 years than at birth. Honestly, I'd do anything to have been given even an hour or a day with him. I know it's hard for people to equate losing a baby to losing an older child because they don't understand how you can miss someone you never even knew, but the truth is that's exactly what makes losing a baby so uniquely difficult and tragic. It's not just the loss of a child, but it's never knowing how amazing life would have been if they were here. You're right that no 2 losses are the same, but I wish your family could have been more sensitive, at least to the fact that your nephew's death was sure to raise feelings of grief from your own losses. I'm so sorry you were hurt. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI would love to have had 49 years with Janessa and Hope. You're right every loss hurts no matter how much time you get, but, they will be allowed to grieve for their son and talk about him and celebrate him and it will be acceptable to society where you grieving for your babies and remembering James Collins, Jr., and Reita Gale will never been seen as okay to people in the world only in the baby loss mommy world. It is so unfair--grief is grief and should be allowed to everyone!!! You have every right to blog about this <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for each one of your helpful comments. I don't feel as bad about my feelings anymore. I think they are just natural. It just shows that we never get over our loss no matter what the age and that every child's loss is important. Every parents grief is important. ((Hugs)) Gale
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