Friday, July 26, 2013

Keeping To Myself Lately

I've been keeping to myself.  I have been enjoying the peacefulness of early morning kayak trips.  Being alone with nature out on the water is very soothing to my soul.  I can think clear thoughts as my vessel glides through the blue water by my own power.  Often I will stop by the island I love to kayak around when I reach the sandy beach I like to claim as my own.  This week I just started writing all the names of our sons and daughters who have gone from us too soon.  As soon as I would finish one name I would start right on another name.  It had just turned to low tide, so I knew the names would be there for several more hours.  I even made one heart out of sand.  I molded and sculpt a perfect heart.  It took some time and energy!  I was pleased with it. When I stood up and looked around me names were everywhere!  Oh, how I wish I had brought my camera with me!  I have been searching the sky for a heart cloud.  Since I haven't found one yet, my sand heart made me happy!  On the way home, I cut through the island on my kayak gliding around sea grass and a narrow path of water deep enough to let me through.  Dragon flies and egrets were plentiful, but no butterflies.  That's okay.  The summer isn't over yet.  I think of you my baby loss friends on many of my trips.  I hope that you are having a kind and productive day.  Some of you are in the evening time, while others aren't even up yet.  I hope you know that despite the pain of losing our children, we are going to be okay.  We are special women you and I.  We have a sisterhood that helps us get by.  Each of us has her own journey to travel.  Some have been blessed with rainbow babies, while others had babies before loss to care for.  Some haven't conceived a living child yet or has a child in the NICU.  Some will decide not to try again for medical reasons or emotional reasons.  I truly feel for those of you that won't have a rainbow baby no matter the reason.  My heart goes out to you.  I am glad we aren't alone, but have each other.  Others try to understand.  They really do.  To me, no one can ever understand us unless they have walked the walk, but I thank them for trying.  We need these people who try to understand us.  How else can we branch out into the world?  We are going to be hurt by well-meaning people.  That is a fact we all know, but don't always understand why.  It happened to me last week.  No one meant for it to happened.  I immediately with drew into my shell much like a turtle protecting itself.  I think that is why I like to escape to the kayak in early morning so I can feel safe.  No one can reach me to cloud up my mind and thoughts.  It is during this time that I feel free to speak my mind out loud towards the sky.

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