Thursday, April 18, 2013

I'm Lonely & Scared

I am.  I am lonely and I am scared.  I have been having panic attacks recently.  Those have been rare in coming for awhile now.  But then again, it is that time of the year again.  I go to pieces on the inside.  This year I thought I was in control because I have made plans for activities to keep James and myself busy.  We thought ahead.  We haven't heard from the State of NC Vital Records on getting the Certificates of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth.  We paid and filled out all of the paperwork.  We should of heard from them by now.  We went looking this week for our white baby lambs with a blue bow for James Collins, Jr and a pink bow for Reita Gale when we go to visit and decorate their graves three hours away.  I have checked in three different towns for these lambs and come to find out, the man who has been supplying them since 1975 has died.  It seems that what I have planned so far has gone bust.  Suppose no one remembers with us?  I am afraid of that most of all.  I am very nervous that no one will remember our special dates with us.  I guess that we will do what we have always done, celebrate and remember alone.  That wouldn't be the worse thing that could happen.  The worse has already happened, our babies died.  I have been listening on YouTube to  Precious Child.
It gets to me everytime!  But then again when I listen to Garth Brooks, The Dance, it make me realize that I wouldn't have missed those pregnancies for anything in the world. 

I hope that I am just in a slump.  You know, one of those days.  But this has been slipping in on me for the last week now.  I'm just plain lonely with my thoughts and fears and I miss my babies something terrible.  They are gone, have been gone for a long time and there isn't a thing in this world I can do about it.  It hurts and feels like I can hardly describe it. 

I am so glad I have found all of you babyloss mama's out there because I KNOW you get it.  Our babyloss blogs are our refuge in times of need.  I just feel so dang lonely.  HELP!


  1. Praying for you and the difficult days ahead. Also that many would remember and all your plans would work out beautifully!

  2. ((Hugs)) I'm praying for you. Last year I over planned Hope's angel birthday and it was awful. This year I'm just keeping it simple. One of things I'm doing a couple of days before Hope's angel birthday on May 4th is taking a hike up Ensign Peak--I'm going to write James Jr. and Reita's names on rocks and I will take pictures of them when I get to the top--they will be remembered <3 Love ya <3

  3. Thank you Tesha and Shauna. Your kind words mean so much!