Saturday, February 2, 2013

Blending Grief With Joy

The birth of our rainbow son has brought joy into our household again.  Did the grief  for our firstborn son just go away?  No, it did not.  So many times, as I held my rainbow son, Collins, I felt like I was holding both sons at once.  When Collins smiled at me, I saw both sons smiling at me.  It was almost like a blend.  Grief was blending with joy.  I know they are not the same babies.  They are however brothers!  Brothers favor each other.  I could often feel my James, Jr in the nursery with Collins and myself encouraging me those first days as I soothed Collins during a diaper change or a sponge bath.  Collins could let out some loud cries during those!  I had to keep calm, so Collins would calm down.  Collins was such an easy going baby.  He was so good that James and I had to pinch ourselves sometimes!  Would James, Jr be as calm?   When Easter came, we strolled Collins outside for the air was warm and the flowers beautiful plus the robins were everywhere.  Collins loved to be strolled in his carriage and just being outside.  I was actually getting to do the baby routine for for real......not just dreaming of how it could have been.  I still grieved over the fact that I didn't get to do these things for his brother.  God was gracious enough to allow me to feel James, Jr. with us.  I always knew that he had passed right on to Heaven and was with his Heavenly Father only feeling peace and no pain.  He was free from earthly bonds.  He had his wings!  He knew of the love we had for him.  It was now my turn to mother his brother as best as I new how through life.  Even though he is now grown, married and has three adorable children, I am still his mother.  I love him more than ever.  It was very hard to let this rainbow of mine go out on his own, but I did. I suffered from "Empty Nest Syndrone" but tried to be a good sport about it.  I grieved over  not having my sons at home the way it used to be.  I am no longer the soccer mom.  I am a Grammy to my grandchildren, whom I adore and treasure every precious second with them.  My wonderful DIL always keeps me & Pops up-dated on them.  We get to have them spend time alone with us in the summer.  That is super fun, almost like parenting again for a few days!  I see in my granddaughters my own daughter.  I never had but one stillborn daughter and I miss her so much.  I wonder about the grandchildren she might have given us.  I need  my daughter more than ever.  I missed her terribly during Christmas.  I could just picture us cooking together goodies for the grand kids.  Daughters are the glue in a family.  I want my glue.  I want my daughter, but she is in Heaven with  her brother.  James, Jr.  appeared  before me right after I was home from the hospital and spoke to me.  Reita Gale never has.  I wonder why?  I pray God will permit her to give me a sign soon.  Sometimes I see her in my g-daughter Lawson.  Maybe it is because Lawson was my firstborn granddaughter.  I bonded so quickly and deeply with her.  We have spent time together each summer.  I adore her.  My other g-daughter is coming into her own quickly.  She is more of a mama's baby.  My love for her grows everyday profoundly.  She is like a carefree bird!  Oh, our only grandson!  Does he have us wrapped around his fingers!  He is so loving and runs to his room to pray at 5 years old.  He is all boy!  He still has a very tender heart.  I love spending time doing outside boy time with him.  I guess it is because I raised two rainbow sons.  I do enjoy boys!  I still want my daughter.  I know I will never have her back, but I grieve for her more than ever.  My hear hurts.  Lawson always make me happy.  Could she have some Reita Gale in her????
Life does have a way of blending the grief with the joy.  Grab both.

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