Thursday, March 12, 2015

De'ja' vu

Here we go again.  History repeats itself once more.  I have to deal with it, put it aside and go on.

Many years ago, a family history was researched for my husband's side of the family.  After the search, many pages were printed and a booklet was given to each member of the family.  How neat!
What a family treasure to have!  NOT SO QUICK!  Looking through the pages, we came to the part that gave my husband's name, my name, our children's names.  Only two of our children were not listed.  James Collins Fitts, Jr. and Reita Gale Fitts were not there.  Just because they were buried out in Cedarwood Cemetary didn't make them less our children.  My heart was broken to see that they didn't count in our family history on my husband's side. I asked out loud that James Collins and Reita Gale were left out.  SILENCE.  That is the way they had always been treated, with silence.  Resentment began to grow.  Once we got home, I threw away the history on paper because it was incorrect. 

Now, thirty some years later, it has happened again this very week.  This time the history was done on my side of the family.  The family history was sent to me.  I saw where other infants were listed as, "died at birth."  Scanning down to my immediate family, I was listed as well as James and two of our children.  Once more, James Collins, Jr. and Reita Gale were left out.  I was asked to send in everyone to be listed along with the correct spelling.  Once more they were left out and silenced.
I assume the reason was ignorance.

Many people feel awkward mentioning those who have passed on, especially when it was a baby.
I am not trying to push my children on anyone, but we are talking about historical documents here.
These are facts, not feelings.  James Collins, Jr is listed and certified in the county and state where he was born.  I have a Certificate of Birth Resulting in Stillbirth as well as a Certificate of Death.  Cedarwood Cemetery has both children listed as being buried in their own plots under the family name of FITTS.

Am I being petty?  I think not.  Future generations might like to know about these stillbirths when planning their own families.  My genes produce extra long umbilical cords.  I sure would have liked to have known that in advance!  I would have been monitored closer and a C-section scheduled!

I have grown through the years.  I'm not going to be resentful this time.  I'm just to move on with another one down the drain.  I will blog about it though!

Monday, November 3, 2014

May Babies

Last week I was in a restaurant eating lunch.  A family came and sat at the table beside me.  I did noticed the cutest little baby girl in her infant seat  with them while I was eating .  This situation has happened SO many times through the years and I was very pleased to see this cooing infant.  After I had finished eating, I was enjoying a hot cuppa tea.  My attention went back to the cute baby.  Her piercing blue eyes were fixed on me.  I responded by saying "hello" in a baby voice to her.  She laughed and cooed and we were instant friends.  While our play session was going on, I was stunned by a pang in my heart.  I just knew she was a May baby.  I carefully asked her mother when she was born and the answer was May.  I froze.  I was having the chance to play with a May baby.  I had two stillborn babies each one occurring in the month of May (1975 & 1982).  What an unexpected pleasure this opportunity was for me to see how it would have been for me.  Some mothers wouldn't have seen it as I did.  They would have been upset.  I guess years back I would have been sad too.  Forty plus years out I saw it as a blessing.

Later that afternoon, I was grocery shopping when it dawned on me that my very own granddaughter was born in May.  We have always been very close.  I thought it was just because she was my first grandchild and that we always enjoy each other so much.  I love all of my grandchildren with a very deep love, but deep inside of me could our special connection be because I view her as my May baby?   Wouldn't I have loved her just the same?  I like to think so.  However, her May birthday allows me to see the milestones in her that my own children would have had at her age.  I see that as just one more blessing God has given me.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

My Sweet Babies,

I haven't forgotten that today is your day to be remembered along with all the other babies being remembered by their mommies and daddies.  Who would have thought 40 years ago that October 15th would be set aside for mommies to light candles all over the world to make a wave of light in honor of all babies gone too soon?  It must be a beautiful sight from heaven!

Remembering all of our babies in the 2014 Wave of Light.......


Tuesday, June 24, 2014

When It Hurts So Bad

I remember my first raw year after James Collins, Jr.'s stillbirth. The pain of just hurting all of the time with no relief was unbearable!  The hurt was like no other.

One particular night when once again sleep was evading me due to the pain of loss, I grabbed my Bible and clutched it to my heart.  I fell asleep with it still clutched tight just as a child would its teddy bear or blankie.  My Bible became my "blankie."  I clung to it day and night.  Although most of the time I wasn't reading it, I drew strength from what I knew was in it.  Psalms and verses I had read in previous times would come to my mind and I would cling to them.  I knew Jesus loved me.  I knew He was carrying me since I had no strength to carry myself.  I knew that through Christ my son was safe in heaven even though I was here on earth hurting with pain beyond belief.  I also knew that God did not cause my son to die.  He was my son's refuge in death and my refuge in grief.  I also knew that as bad as I wanted my baby with me right then it wasn't going to happen, but I could live for the day when God would come get me and reunite me with my son.  Seven years later, I would learn to cling and hope for the same when I held my stillborn daughter, Reita Gale in my arms.

I was 24 years old when my firstborn son died and 32 when my daughter died.  I will be 64 years old come this July 9th.  I have missed my babies for a long long time.  The grief still drifts in and out, just like the tide.  I can tell you one thing for sure.  Only my faith has gotten me through these years.  It has given me hope and the knowledge that I will see and know my children again one day.  I thank God for that.  I thank Jesus Christ for dying on the cross for not only me and my children, but for all who believe in Him so that we can have victory over death. 

I have had two other Bibles since the one I clung to many years ago.  I still have that now yellowed  and tattered paged one as a reminder of when my grief was so fresh.  That Bible, God's Holy Word, saved my life at a time when nothing else could.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Fittsie's Angels: What Is It?

Fittsie's Angels: What Is It?: What is it about babyloss that whams you so hard it still has one down on the floor ( at least for me) 39 years later???  From what I hear I...

What Is It?

What is it about babyloss that whams you so hard it still has one down on the floor ( at least for me) 39 years later???  From what I hear I am not the only one it affects like this.  Then again, I know some BLMS that keep it inside.  I can't.

I am just coming out of my "loss season."  James, Jr. was born still May 2, 1975 and buried May 3.
Then Reita Gale was born still May 31, 1982 and buried June 3.  You know how the weeks are leading up and then the weeks aftermath.  I'm in the aftermath of this 39th season and it just as well be the first season.  I'm so down and no energy.  I still need to be "looked after" this far out.  I don't understand it.  Of course I don't want to forget my babies!  But I don't want to feel so bad either.  Is this time of year "doomed" for me forever?  My answer so far is I imagine so.  I mean, look at me!  I'm going to be 64 years old in July!!!!  I have a fantastic family to enjoy and I do enjoy them.  It is just three are missing.  ( I lost Abbie in January 1982 to miscarriage)

Sometimes I still wonder the , "why me?"  Why didn't this happen to one of my 4 sisters?  Why was I the only one out of the 5 of us girls?  I don't even have a friend that this happened to!  If it had to be the 1 in 4 this happens to, where are the other 3?  Could I have known just one of them to have a companion around me who understands? 

I am in a place now where I don't want to talk about it ever again to anyone who isn't a BLM.  I got off my BLM FB page to get away from it beside the fact that my computer got hacked.  Seemed like a sign to get away from it for awhile.  I still think of each of you.  You can find me on Twitter @Fittsie!  I do see some of you there.  I still need some part of the BLM world security blanket. 

Well, guess if you didn't realize it after reading this, you were just part of my pity party!  Thanks for letting me sound off.

I will leave with an up-dated photo taken a month ago.  Yes, I do have a lot to be thankful for.

My Family
My hubby and rainbows!

                                                            With my oldest granddaughter
With my youngest granddaughter
With my middle grandchild & my only grandson
This picture melts my heart!
Yes, look at these pictures!  I am loved!  I am blessed!  I am Minus 3

Sunday, January 19, 2014

I'll Walk With You

I have never forgotten where I came from.  It never leaves you.  At least that has been the case for me.  Once you have put on those heavy shoes to walk with the death of a child, you never forget that weight of loss.

I know the depths of deep grief and hopelessness.  I've cried so hard and long until there seemed to be no more tears left, but more came.  I've been jealous of those who had babies so effortless while I was treated for infertility. I've played the wait game.  I've played the disappointment game. Then I became one of the lucky ones who had a healthy normal baby.  It was worth every trial I had to go through to get him.  I can say without a doubt it was the happiest day of my life.  I want that for you.  I want you to feel the ultimate joy of holding your living baby all pink and wailing away.  It burdens me that you don't have that yet.  It burdens me that some of you might not get it.

I endured two more losses after my first stillbirth.  I can honestly say that my next losses didn't drag me down to the bottom as the first did.  I know that may offend some of you, but I have to be honest here.  When I miscarried it hurt, so don't get me wrong.  However, I had two sons running around the house to divert me.  I wasn't so alone as I was when my first son was stillborn.  When my daughter was stillborn, it was bad.  After three sons, I gave birth to a daughter!  But the twist in her cord took her from me.  I didn't have another daughter running around the house, so this one took me back to the depths of grief much more.  However, I did have my two joyful sons to divert me once more.  I had live children to hold on to.  There is a difference to leave the hospital with empty arms when children are waiting for you at home.

I am not saying that the children I loss after I had my two rainbows were loved and wanted any less than the loss of my firstborn son.  I mourn them and miss them just as much as I do their brother.  It was just easier on me to come home to a house with my sons running to greet me.  Can you understand?  Did I feel guilty that I didn't fall to the emptiness of despair as I did the first time?  Yes I did!  I didn't understand it at first.  I thought something was wrong with me.  By the third time, was I getting use to loss?  No!  Maybe I just expected it in the back of my mind.  I just know that I wasn't as blindsided as I was the first time.  My first day home without James Collins, Jr, I climbed into his empty crib when I was finally alone and no one was watching.  I turned on the mobile and held on to a teddy bear and sobbed as I pretended the bear was my baby.  Crazy?  Not to me!  My first night home without Reita, I had to wait until everyone else in the house had gone to bed before I went downstairs and closed myself off in the dining room to be alone.  I crawled under the dining room table with my pillow to muffle my cries.  I had to get it together by morning so not to scare my small sons waiting for me to fix them their breakfast.  Life for me had to go on much quicker this time.  I couldn't take my time in grieving when ever I felt it sweep over me.  What I did have was the hugs and kisses of my sons to get me through it.  Those of you with out your Rainbow don't get those hugs and my heart breaks for you. 

Your heartbreak of not having your Rainbow baby is personal to me.  I've been with you over a year now.  I've watched you suffer.  I see you as you still suffer as some of you have lost your Rainbow or haven't achieved pregnancy.  I will continue to walk with you.  I will wait with you.  One day I will rejoice with you.