The birth of our rainbow son has brought joy into our household again. Did the grief for our firstborn son just go away? No, it did not. So many times, as I held my rainbow son, Collins, I felt like I was holding both sons at once. When Collins smiled at me, I saw both sons smiling at me. It was almost like a blend. Grief was blending with joy. I know they are not the same babies. They are however brothers! Brothers favor each other. I could often feel my James, Jr in the nursery with Collins and myself encouraging me those first days as I soothed Collins during a diaper change or a sponge bath. Collins could let out some loud cries during those! I had to keep calm, so Collins would calm down. Collins was such an easy going baby. He was so good that James and I had to pinch ourselves sometimes! Would James, Jr be as calm? When Easter came, we strolled Collins outside for the air was warm and the flowers beautiful plus the robins were everywhere. Collins loved to be strolled in his carriage and just being outside. I was actually getting to do the baby routine for for real......not just dreaming of how it could have been. I still grieved over the fact that I didn't get to do these things for his brother. God was gracious enough to allow me to feel James, Jr. with us. I always knew that he had passed right on to Heaven and was with his Heavenly Father only feeling peace and no pain. He was free from earthly bonds. He had his wings! He knew of the love we had for him. It was now my turn to mother his brother as best as I new how through life. Even though he is now grown, married and has three adorable children, I am still his mother. I love him more than ever. It was very hard to let this rainbow of mine go out on his own, but I did. I suffered from "Empty Nest Syndrone" but tried to be a good sport about it. I grieved over not having my sons at home the way it used to be. I am no longer the soccer mom. I am a Grammy to my grandchildren, whom I adore and treasure every precious second with them. My wonderful DIL always keeps me & Pops up-dated on them. We get to have them spend time alone with us in the summer. That is super fun, almost like parenting again for a few days! I see in my granddaughters my own daughter. I never had but one stillborn daughter and I miss her so much. I wonder about the grandchildren she might have given us. I need my daughter more than ever. I missed her terribly during Christmas. I could just picture us cooking together goodies for the grand kids. Daughters are the glue in a family. I want my glue. I want my daughter, but she is in Heaven with her brother. James, Jr. appeared before me right after I was home from the hospital and spoke to me. Reita Gale never has. I wonder why? I pray God will permit her to give me a sign soon. Sometimes I see her in my g-daughter Lawson. Maybe it is because Lawson was my firstborn granddaughter. I bonded so quickly and deeply with her. We have spent time together each summer. I adore her. My other g-daughter is coming into her own quickly. She is more of a mama's baby. My love for her grows everyday profoundly. She is like a carefree bird! Oh, our only grandson! Does he have us wrapped around his fingers! He is so loving and runs to his room to pray at 5 years old. He is all boy! He still has a very tender heart. I love spending time doing outside boy time with him. I guess it is because I raised two rainbow sons. I do enjoy boys! I still want my daughter. I know I will never have her back, but I grieve for her more than ever. My hear hurts. Lawson always make me happy. Could she have some Reita Gale in her????
Life does have a way of blending the grief with the joy. Grab both.
Showing posts with label Jame's Jr's Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jame's Jr's Story. Show all posts
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
James Jr's First Birthday in Heaven
May 2nd arrived with James and I in a funk. Our son had been in Heaven for one whole year now. We made plans to just be together and honor him in our thoughts and words. We planned a small dinner alone to remember. How could a year have passed by already? Yet, it was an agonizing year, which at the time seemed to dragged by coated by plenty of grief. Of course, just as we expected, no one mentioned his birthday except my twin and her husband. They remembered and wanted us to know they we were being thought of. I was unhappy that my parents or James' parents did not mention their grandson's first birthday in Heaven or at least check on us to see if we were okay. They never put anything on their grandson's grave and that hurt.
Once, a good friend of my SIL's had a stillborn grandson not too long after ours was born. Well, you would have thought that the world had ended. Everything stopped and was put on hold as my MIL, both SIL's and my FIL spent hours over at the home of the stillborn baby's family. They made food galore and just sat to greet guest and talk. We were told we should visit also as this was such a horrible thing that had happpened. The mother and her mother were taking it very hard. HELLO! We were also taking our baby's death very hard! Where was our family support? To see them all make such a big deal over a friend's stillborn baby, and yet never mention ours just broke our hearts. We felt we didn't matter at all.
James and I , alone, grieved for our son on his birthday. We were lost. We hurt. I went through my trunk of all of his little baby clothes and other things that were his. I smelled them and cried, even though outside my open window the birds were chirping.
We love you so much, our sweet baby boy angel.
Once, a good friend of my SIL's had a stillborn grandson not too long after ours was born. Well, you would have thought that the world had ended. Everything stopped and was put on hold as my MIL, both SIL's and my FIL spent hours over at the home of the stillborn baby's family. They made food galore and just sat to greet guest and talk. We were told we should visit also as this was such a horrible thing that had happpened. The mother and her mother were taking it very hard. HELLO! We were also taking our baby's death very hard! Where was our family support? To see them all make such a big deal over a friend's stillborn baby, and yet never mention ours just broke our hearts. We felt we didn't matter at all.
James and I , alone, grieved for our son on his birthday. We were lost. We hurt. I went through my trunk of all of his little baby clothes and other things that were his. I smelled them and cried, even though outside my open window the birds were chirping.
We love you so much, our sweet baby boy angel.
Monday, January 14, 2013
I Reached Bottom & Help Came
The night my husband didn't come home was a nightmare. Just when I thought things just couldn't get any worse, they did.
My SIL had her brought her newborn from across the state home to her parents. My MIL wanted a get together so everyone could meet the newest addition to our famly. I wouldn't go because I couldn't face seeing the baby in front of everyone. My hubby went because I told him he should. Just don't force me to go! It was a night of tiffs and taffs. My MIL wanted me there, hubby was caught in the middle. When he didn't come home by 11:00, I called my in-laws house and my MIL said he wasn't there. She also told me I should let him go.....divorce him so he could find someone else to marry that could give him children. We would both be better off. Words went down between her and myself. We hung up and I dropped to my lowest point ever. I loved my husband and he loved me. Grief was having a field day with us.
If you remember from my earlier post, my doctor had told us I was infertile due to endometriosis. We were going through the process of adoption when I became pregnant. Then our son was stillborn at 9 months. I had been on a roller coaster for the past year of you can't ever get pregnant, process of adopting, getting pregnant, stillbirth, intense grief, and each month finding out I wasn't pregnant. It was killing my insides no matter how positive I tried to be. Our name had been taken off the three year wait of adoption when I became pregnant, so to go that route again, we would have to start the whole process over to get back on the list. I wasn't ready for that again. I wanted to get pregnant again and now!
Out of the darkness of night, the phone rang. I ran to answer it. It was my twin sister. James was there. He had left the get together at his mom's soon after arriving and had driven an hour and a half to the country club in Washington on the Pamlico River where his parents kept their boat. He stayed there and thought about our situation. He then went to my twin sister's home there and talked with her and her husband. They were very sympathetic and let James talk his heart out. I was so glad to hear this. James would be coming home to me the next morning. Things were going to be alright. We had found our caring help.
My twin and her husband made us their project. They just took over and gave us help in every way possible. Every Friday when school let out, I left to go to their home. I was so welcomed! They acted liked my arrival made their weekend! Our ritual began. When I arrived on Friday's, we went to eat at this great seafood restaurant on the river. It was good eating! Then we would talk about James,Jr. until I was talked out. They just let me pour out everything I needed to for hours. I mean they were so interested in our son and what James and I were going through. At last, someone who actually acknowledge our son! They were so sad for us and really seemed to understand. (James couldn't come until Saturday afternoon b/c his daddy always made him work on Saturday's) Then the plan was that on Saturday's we did fun stuff and NOT concentrate on grief, but happy things. The had a son who was two. He was a handful and lots of fun! I wasn't uncomfortable going into his nursery. My sister just made it alright and comfortable. I would give them a break and get up with him on Saturday's. We always began the morning with eating a bowl of Apple Jacks! Then we would go outside about 6:30 AM and play on his swingset. I always enjoyed this special time with my nephew. My sis would then cook up a great breakfast when they got up. Yummy! There was sunshine, fun, and love. What a way to begin healing! We all looked forward to Saturday afternoon when James came. His arrival was as special to them as mine was. James found the warm greeting as healing as I did. We would go to a movie on Saturday night or whatever. We always enjoyed cooking a good steak on the grill. We called it our "Charking out time!" Time at their home was dedicated to us. They always made the weekend all about us. It was the greatest feeling in the world. We needed caring for and they did it. My twin also was on a mission to help me find any and all information about getting pregnant again. I truly think she was as disappointed as I was when each month I wasn't. Sunday's were sad because we had to go back home and leave our "safe haven." My sister called me every single day to see how I was doing during the week. Even if I said things were okay, she would keep probing until I gave in and told her the truth if it was a bad day for me. You might think a phone call from her wasn't that big of a deal. It was. Phone calls cost a lot of money per minute back in the 1970's. Our husbands were "pretty good" about the phone bill! No cell phones then! No Skype or Facetime! That would have been so wonderful! My twin was so good to me and her husband was the best for James. They became like real brothers. Our friendship grew and deepened. They picked us up off the floor of grief and babyloss and gave us healing.
My SIL had her brought her newborn from across the state home to her parents. My MIL wanted a get together so everyone could meet the newest addition to our famly. I wouldn't go because I couldn't face seeing the baby in front of everyone. My hubby went because I told him he should. Just don't force me to go! It was a night of tiffs and taffs. My MIL wanted me there, hubby was caught in the middle. When he didn't come home by 11:00, I called my in-laws house and my MIL said he wasn't there. She also told me I should let him go.....divorce him so he could find someone else to marry that could give him children. We would both be better off. Words went down between her and myself. We hung up and I dropped to my lowest point ever. I loved my husband and he loved me. Grief was having a field day with us.
If you remember from my earlier post, my doctor had told us I was infertile due to endometriosis. We were going through the process of adoption when I became pregnant. Then our son was stillborn at 9 months. I had been on a roller coaster for the past year of you can't ever get pregnant, process of adopting, getting pregnant, stillbirth, intense grief, and each month finding out I wasn't pregnant. It was killing my insides no matter how positive I tried to be. Our name had been taken off the three year wait of adoption when I became pregnant, so to go that route again, we would have to start the whole process over to get back on the list. I wasn't ready for that again. I wanted to get pregnant again and now!
Out of the darkness of night, the phone rang. I ran to answer it. It was my twin sister. James was there. He had left the get together at his mom's soon after arriving and had driven an hour and a half to the country club in Washington on the Pamlico River where his parents kept their boat. He stayed there and thought about our situation. He then went to my twin sister's home there and talked with her and her husband. They were very sympathetic and let James talk his heart out. I was so glad to hear this. James would be coming home to me the next morning. Things were going to be alright. We had found our caring help.
My twin and her husband made us their project. They just took over and gave us help in every way possible. Every Friday when school let out, I left to go to their home. I was so welcomed! They acted liked my arrival made their weekend! Our ritual began. When I arrived on Friday's, we went to eat at this great seafood restaurant on the river. It was good eating! Then we would talk about James,Jr. until I was talked out. They just let me pour out everything I needed to for hours. I mean they were so interested in our son and what James and I were going through. At last, someone who actually acknowledge our son! They were so sad for us and really seemed to understand. (James couldn't come until Saturday afternoon b/c his daddy always made him work on Saturday's) Then the plan was that on Saturday's we did fun stuff and NOT concentrate on grief, but happy things. The had a son who was two. He was a handful and lots of fun! I wasn't uncomfortable going into his nursery. My sister just made it alright and comfortable. I would give them a break and get up with him on Saturday's. We always began the morning with eating a bowl of Apple Jacks! Then we would go outside about 6:30 AM and play on his swingset. I always enjoyed this special time with my nephew. My sis would then cook up a great breakfast when they got up. Yummy! There was sunshine, fun, and love. What a way to begin healing! We all looked forward to Saturday afternoon when James came. His arrival was as special to them as mine was. James found the warm greeting as healing as I did. We would go to a movie on Saturday night or whatever. We always enjoyed cooking a good steak on the grill. We called it our "Charking out time!" Time at their home was dedicated to us. They always made the weekend all about us. It was the greatest feeling in the world. We needed caring for and they did it. My twin also was on a mission to help me find any and all information about getting pregnant again. I truly think she was as disappointed as I was when each month I wasn't. Sunday's were sad because we had to go back home and leave our "safe haven." My sister called me every single day to see how I was doing during the week. Even if I said things were okay, she would keep probing until I gave in and told her the truth if it was a bad day for me. You might think a phone call from her wasn't that big of a deal. It was. Phone calls cost a lot of money per minute back in the 1970's. Our husbands were "pretty good" about the phone bill! No cell phones then! No Skype or Facetime! That would have been so wonderful! My twin was so good to me and her husband was the best for James. They became like real brothers. Our friendship grew and deepened. They picked us up off the floor of grief and babyloss and gave us healing.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Please Understand Us
My posts talk about 37 years ago when James and I had our stillborn son, James Collins, Jr. As you know from your experiences, those first months and year are very rough and raw. Your emotions are all over the place. So many things come your way you don't understand or know how to handle because of your intense grief. Losing a tiny precious newborn that you have planned for over the past 9 months ( or what ever the age you lost your child) is just something you can't comprehend right away. It hurts so much and takes time for your rippped hearts to heal. It comes in bits and pieces. We are super sensitive and rightfully so. Some of us have had complications above our babyloss such as lack of infertility and insensitive families.
James and I made it through those horrible first months and years. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of time and patience. We learned about the "do list that helps" and the "don't list" which makes recovery so much harder.
James has received some flack because of the way he let his mother run all over us. Let me tell you that James is one heck of a good man even though it may not come accross that way in some of my posts. He was not only stunned by grief, but also by his mother. Here is some background information.
I married James because of his kindness and good heart, not to mention he is good-looking! I fell for him the first time I ever layed eyes on him. I really did! So tall, dark and handsome! Wonderful blue eyes! I noticed while dating James how he loved and treated his little Boston Terrior, Mickey. I also noticed that when he had been away from his parents such as college, he greeted them with a hug or kiss....always. He was close to his family. I admired that in him.....he would make a good family man. His parents were good people. Also, my parents just loved James. They saw the good in him and how he treated me. My daddy was a strict daddy. He had to be raising 5 girls! He immediately said yes, when James asked him for my hand in marriage. We grew up in the 1950's and 60's. Children respected their parents, didn't talk back to them or any adult, NEVER questioned their parents. You just did what they said and that was the end of it. We trusted our parents to direct us to right paths. Another rule, if you didn't go to Sunday School and church on Sunday, well no dating the next weekend.
Looking back through my posts, some of you have read where his parents, especially his mother, was very hurtful and pushy during the time of our son's death. Well, they were. You saw how my mother wouldn't talk to me one night when I called her. James and I have discussed our family's reactions to us over and over. We will never understand why they did what they did at this time in our life. We have given excuses for them. 1) death of a baby was hush-hush back then 2) they REALLY didn't understand 3) they didn't know HOW to treat us 4) the faster it was over with the better off we would be 5) they didn't want to be drug down along with us 6) they just couldn't deal with it
Respect your parents at all cost! We grew up in that era. Right or wrong, that is the way it was. James and I both were weak after our son's death. We were blindsided as it happened so quickly plus we just had no knowledge about stillbirth. We were in great shock and trusted our parents to lead us the right way. We wanted to keep peace so we both gave in when we shouldn't have. Why would our parents steer us wrong? They had never let us down before.
Poor James did NOT know how to please both a grief-stricken wife who made no sense most of the time and his mother. He was torn to pieces. He confided in me recently that he would go upstairs at work ( family owned business) to the stock room and cry his eyes out. I never knew this until I started blogging. This was such a tender moment between us as I realized how much he tried to protect me during that time. I love him for telling me that even if it took 37 years to get it out. It was healing for me to hear.
We have been throught the death of two babies plus many of the trials and tribulations that come with life and marriage. I can tell you that today, after 42 years of marriage, we share an understanding and love that is stronger and deeper than we ever could have imagined. Our Rainbow Babies are out on their own, we have real time for each other now, and are so in love with our grandchildren.
Life teaches you many lessons along the road. If you can learn from them, you are all the better off for it. We learned. It helped when we had our next stillbirth, our daughter, Reita Gale. I haven't reached that part in my blogging. We did that one our way. No regrets.
If I can leave you with one thought today, it would be that James and and I are so richly blessed by our love for each other and are experiencing true happiness ONLY through our faith in God Almighty. He has blessed our marriage and life beyond our greatest expections.
Please just keep this post in mind when you read the rest of our story! Recovery is a life long process as we have discovered or I wouldn't be writing this blog, 37 years later!
Hugs to you all!
James and I made it through those horrible first months and years. It wasn't easy. It took a lot of time and patience. We learned about the "do list that helps" and the "don't list" which makes recovery so much harder.
James has received some flack because of the way he let his mother run all over us. Let me tell you that James is one heck of a good man even though it may not come accross that way in some of my posts. He was not only stunned by grief, but also by his mother. Here is some background information.
I married James because of his kindness and good heart, not to mention he is good-looking! I fell for him the first time I ever layed eyes on him. I really did! So tall, dark and handsome! Wonderful blue eyes! I noticed while dating James how he loved and treated his little Boston Terrior, Mickey. I also noticed that when he had been away from his parents such as college, he greeted them with a hug or kiss....always. He was close to his family. I admired that in him.....he would make a good family man. His parents were good people. Also, my parents just loved James. They saw the good in him and how he treated me. My daddy was a strict daddy. He had to be raising 5 girls! He immediately said yes, when James asked him for my hand in marriage. We grew up in the 1950's and 60's. Children respected their parents, didn't talk back to them or any adult, NEVER questioned their parents. You just did what they said and that was the end of it. We trusted our parents to direct us to right paths. Another rule, if you didn't go to Sunday School and church on Sunday, well no dating the next weekend.
Looking back through my posts, some of you have read where his parents, especially his mother, was very hurtful and pushy during the time of our son's death. Well, they were. You saw how my mother wouldn't talk to me one night when I called her. James and I have discussed our family's reactions to us over and over. We will never understand why they did what they did at this time in our life. We have given excuses for them. 1) death of a baby was hush-hush back then 2) they REALLY didn't understand 3) they didn't know HOW to treat us 4) the faster it was over with the better off we would be 5) they didn't want to be drug down along with us 6) they just couldn't deal with it
Respect your parents at all cost! We grew up in that era. Right or wrong, that is the way it was. James and I both were weak after our son's death. We were blindsided as it happened so quickly plus we just had no knowledge about stillbirth. We were in great shock and trusted our parents to lead us the right way. We wanted to keep peace so we both gave in when we shouldn't have. Why would our parents steer us wrong? They had never let us down before.
Poor James did NOT know how to please both a grief-stricken wife who made no sense most of the time and his mother. He was torn to pieces. He confided in me recently that he would go upstairs at work ( family owned business) to the stock room and cry his eyes out. I never knew this until I started blogging. This was such a tender moment between us as I realized how much he tried to protect me during that time. I love him for telling me that even if it took 37 years to get it out. It was healing for me to hear.
We have been throught the death of two babies plus many of the trials and tribulations that come with life and marriage. I can tell you that today, after 42 years of marriage, we share an understanding and love that is stronger and deeper than we ever could have imagined. Our Rainbow Babies are out on their own, we have real time for each other now, and are so in love with our grandchildren.
Life teaches you many lessons along the road. If you can learn from them, you are all the better off for it. We learned. It helped when we had our next stillbirth, our daughter, Reita Gale. I haven't reached that part in my blogging. We did that one our way. No regrets.
If I can leave you with one thought today, it would be that James and and I are so richly blessed by our love for each other and are experiencing true happiness ONLY through our faith in God Almighty. He has blessed our marriage and life beyond our greatest expections.
Please just keep this post in mind when you read the rest of our story! Recovery is a life long process as we have discovered or I wouldn't be writing this blog, 37 years later!
Hugs to you all!
Monday, January 7, 2013
New Year's Eve & I Lost It
Our best friends were having a New Year's Eve party. James really wanted to go and I thought I did too. We got all dressed up and were riding across town to our friends' home. Out of the blue I just started bawling my eyes out. I had no warning this was coming, it just happened. I suggested to James that maybe we shouldn't go to the party. He thought it would be better once we got to the party. Running through my head over and over that the year was ending, we were leaving it behind to begin another one. Wait one minute. This made me think that if I was leaving 1975 behind me, then I was also leaving James, Jr. behind. I began to feel guilty. I began to panic. I didn't want a new year to replace any part of my dear baby James and what had happened to us. I was so afraid he would be forgotten, left behind. I felt like perhaps he saw us as leaving him behind. It was like losing him all over again! Stop the clock from the count down!
I calmed down enough to go into the party, but my face had been washed by tears and it showed. I got into the punch right away to put me into a party mood. Really??? That never happened as much as I tried. We left right after midnight.
My son would have been 7 months old that night. We should have had to get a baby sitter to go out. When we got home, there was no baby sitter to pay and no baby. Just a lonely home with James and myself. It was so depressing. Would there ever be relief of this cancer called grief?
We went antiquing the next day with a couple we were good friends with. There was a great antique show and auction in Virginia that day. Just getting out and exploring the VA countryside was a brief outlet. I don't remember if we bought a single thing, but it was nice to get out. Those friends dropped what they were doing to go out with us that day. I'll never forget them for that. We remain close friends to this very day.
So whether I liked it or not, 1976 came and thus began a New Year. It would prove to be both rough, hard and kind to us.
I calmed down enough to go into the party, but my face had been washed by tears and it showed. I got into the punch right away to put me into a party mood. Really??? That never happened as much as I tried. We left right after midnight.
My son would have been 7 months old that night. We should have had to get a baby sitter to go out. When we got home, there was no baby sitter to pay and no baby. Just a lonely home with James and myself. It was so depressing. Would there ever be relief of this cancer called grief?
We went antiquing the next day with a couple we were good friends with. There was a great antique show and auction in Virginia that day. Just getting out and exploring the VA countryside was a brief outlet. I don't remember if we bought a single thing, but it was nice to get out. Those friends dropped what they were doing to go out with us that day. I'll never forget them for that. We remain close friends to this very day.
So whether I liked it or not, 1976 came and thus began a New Year. It would prove to be both rough, hard and kind to us.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Time Passes And No Rainbow Baby In Sight
Summer is a time of year that usually made me so happy. It is a time of getting outside and enjoying the sunshine and singing birds along with the beautiful flowers in every one's yards. What a great time to be strolling my baby, but he was in the ground, although I knew in my heart he really wasn't in the ground......he was watching us from Heaven. I enjoyed my time with James, Jr. by visiting his grave. The ground was warm and there were green trees and grass with a pond near by. I always made sure his grave had flowers or some type of baby decoration. His foot stone had been laid by now. I had fallen in love with the tiny baby booties many people had knitted for us, so I wanted his foot stone to have baby booties on it. It also had his full name and date of birth and death. I always noticed the names of the other babies on foot stones or head stones. I wanted a headstone, but it was just too much money for us at that time. I always had the same facial expression, the face of grief. I didn't want that face or the way my voice sounded....mundane. It was hard to get excited about anything. Each month became a time of disappointment as I was not getting pregnant again. I knew another baby would never replace our sweet baby James, but I wanted a baby to hold. I would always tell him or her about our first son and show where he was laid to rest.
As time passed, I did the motions to get out of my despair. James and I always enjoyed weekends on the Pamlico River where we did most of our dating. We were both boating lovers and it was natural for us to be out on our boat. I tried my best to enjoy those times and they did help. Really. It was good to be out with our boating friends. I just wished I could shake this burden of grief that weighed a ton on my shoulders constantly.
I was home alone one night while James was working. I was in one of times when you fall off the cliff and was engulfed with grief. I was praying with all of my heart and soul as tears of hurt ran down my cheeks. Then I saw The Billy Graham Crusades on TV. I wasn't a usual watcher of these programs, but I was desperate to hear of hope. His program was very good and seemed to just speak to me. I bowed down and gave my life to Christ for the second time in my life. It had more meaning to me that night than anything. Afterward, I called the number on the TV screen and got grief counseling. Days later I received material from the Billy Graham Association about grief called, When A Child Dies and one called Clouds. A also got a personal letter of sympathy. I let God in more than ever on my journey. I was glad.
School started in August. I was glad to get back with my teacher friends and students. The beginning of a school year has always been a fresh start. So was this one. I didn't bring to school this year a pregnancy or baby, just the baby in my heart hidden in silence. My friends there were so up beat and supportive for me. I felt so comfortable.
We took a trip to the NC mountains with friends James had since childhood. It was a great get away, but the cloud of grief hung over. We also did some antiquing for our new home while there.
I was back enjoying my bridge groups and often had dinner parties at our home. I enjoyed entertaining and it kept me busy. I kept hope month after month for a new pregnancy, but there was none. That week out of the month was always a hard one for me.
That October 12th my nephew was having his 2nd birthday party at my parents home since they had a wonderful backyard and fenced in! It was a beautiful party on a hot October sunny day. I loved my nephew and enjoyed his party. I enjoyed being home. I remember the dress I wore and the face I wore. It was a happy face mixed with sadness. You just can't hide the sadness no matter how much you want to! If I had just been pregnant by now! During the party, I learned that my brother's wife was pregnant and due in March of 1976. What? She already had two healthy children! I was happy for her. She has always been so kind to me. I could feel her uneasiness around me. That was her way of veing thoughtful. You see, she had loss two children to miscarriage and new the feeling of loss. I wished her well, but still wanted people wishing me well on my wanted pregnancy. I knew my family was pulling for me, but what do you say?
Thanksgiving came that November of 1975. It was not a bad day. I tried to think of all the things I needed to be thankful for. I just thought as I ate at the Fitts Family Thanksgiving table that this was the one year I had nothing to be thankful for. No pregnancy and my baby James' first Thanksgiving in Heaven. I WAS thankful for Heaven always as it was my son's home now.
Christmas was nearing and so was my other sister-in-law's due date in December. Remember, she was the one who told me she was pregnant while I was still in the hospital after giving birth to my stillborn son, James, Jr. I was dreading my first Christmas without my son and the new baby. I think I would have been far more happy about the new baby if it were not told to me the way it was. Also, her constant smoking while carrying her baby knowing well the dangers it proposed to her unborn baby, including having a stillborn baby. My MIL smoked around her non stop also. I think that in itself showed to me they had no clue the pain having a stillborn can be like.
As time passed, I did the motions to get out of my despair. James and I always enjoyed weekends on the Pamlico River where we did most of our dating. We were both boating lovers and it was natural for us to be out on our boat. I tried my best to enjoy those times and they did help. Really. It was good to be out with our boating friends. I just wished I could shake this burden of grief that weighed a ton on my shoulders constantly.
I was home alone one night while James was working. I was in one of times when you fall off the cliff and was engulfed with grief. I was praying with all of my heart and soul as tears of hurt ran down my cheeks. Then I saw The Billy Graham Crusades on TV. I wasn't a usual watcher of these programs, but I was desperate to hear of hope. His program was very good and seemed to just speak to me. I bowed down and gave my life to Christ for the second time in my life. It had more meaning to me that night than anything. Afterward, I called the number on the TV screen and got grief counseling. Days later I received material from the Billy Graham Association about grief called, When A Child Dies and one called Clouds. A also got a personal letter of sympathy. I let God in more than ever on my journey. I was glad.
School started in August. I was glad to get back with my teacher friends and students. The beginning of a school year has always been a fresh start. So was this one. I didn't bring to school this year a pregnancy or baby, just the baby in my heart hidden in silence. My friends there were so up beat and supportive for me. I felt so comfortable.
We took a trip to the NC mountains with friends James had since childhood. It was a great get away, but the cloud of grief hung over. We also did some antiquing for our new home while there.
I was back enjoying my bridge groups and often had dinner parties at our home. I enjoyed entertaining and it kept me busy. I kept hope month after month for a new pregnancy, but there was none. That week out of the month was always a hard one for me.
That October 12th my nephew was having his 2nd birthday party at my parents home since they had a wonderful backyard and fenced in! It was a beautiful party on a hot October sunny day. I loved my nephew and enjoyed his party. I enjoyed being home. I remember the dress I wore and the face I wore. It was a happy face mixed with sadness. You just can't hide the sadness no matter how much you want to! If I had just been pregnant by now! During the party, I learned that my brother's wife was pregnant and due in March of 1976. What? She already had two healthy children! I was happy for her. She has always been so kind to me. I could feel her uneasiness around me. That was her way of veing thoughtful. You see, she had loss two children to miscarriage and new the feeling of loss. I wished her well, but still wanted people wishing me well on my wanted pregnancy. I knew my family was pulling for me, but what do you say?
Thanksgiving came that November of 1975. It was not a bad day. I tried to think of all the things I needed to be thankful for. I just thought as I ate at the Fitts Family Thanksgiving table that this was the one year I had nothing to be thankful for. No pregnancy and my baby James' first Thanksgiving in Heaven. I WAS thankful for Heaven always as it was my son's home now.
Christmas was nearing and so was my other sister-in-law's due date in December. Remember, she was the one who told me she was pregnant while I was still in the hospital after giving birth to my stillborn son, James, Jr. I was dreading my first Christmas without my son and the new baby. I think I would have been far more happy about the new baby if it were not told to me the way it was. Also, her constant smoking while carrying her baby knowing well the dangers it proposed to her unborn baby, including having a stillborn baby. My MIL smoked around her non stop also. I think that in itself showed to me they had no clue the pain having a stillborn can be like.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Understanding Grief Is Timeless By James Collins, Sr.
Depending on which study you look at, around 25% of couples that lose a child end up in a divorce. We all handle grief differently and it's also so true that men and women are wired differently. As men, we all have that natural instinct to look after and protect our spouse. We are the ones that are suppose to "fix things", it's in our makeup. When we lost our son, James Collins Jr., we were both beyond grief and there was no "fix". In the beginning we shared our grief together, but as the time passed, I found myself hiding my grief more and more. There was nothing I could say or do to make it better. My Mom had been a nurse and witnessed many still births. The advice to me was to be strong and to help my wife "get over it". The less said the better and time would heal. HOW WRONG I WAS TO LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE MUCH LESS ALLOW IT TO GO ON! Maybe I was young and ignorant, but if any of you ever wanted to have a "do over" somewhere in life, this one is mine. I grieve for my son and my daughter and there are times I think about how they would look and what they would be doing. I have a strong belief that James Jr. would look very much like his younger brother. My daughter would be so special to me,my beautiful princess. For my wife that carried and felt the life of our children, I know she has a connection that is much stronger than mine. She has that special close bond and the longing for those that are not here that is reserved only for mothers. It's been 37 years and there is one thing I can tell you guys. Until the end of your time together understand her need to talk about, cry about, recognize those special dates, and let her know that you are there for her. I would like to thank all of you that have read and supported Gale with her blog. It's been 37 years but the support you have shown, the response you have given, and the understanding you have lovingly given has meant more to her than anything since our loss. To each of you on your baby loss I'm sorry and extend my heart felt sympathy....Sincerely James Collins Sr.
A Point of View Coming Soon From My Hubby of 42 Years
I have been asking James to be a guest writer for my blog. I wanted him to share his point of view having a stillborn son and later, his only daughter, plus dealing with a wife in mourning and hormones flying everywhere.
I wanted him to write also, so he can deal with some feelings he has. So, look forward to reading what James has to say. I know I am.
Thanks in advance for writing, hon!
I wanted him to write also, so he can deal with some feelings he has. So, look forward to reading what James has to say. I know I am.
Thanks in advance for writing, hon!
Monday, December 24, 2012
First Christmas Without James Collins, Jr.
I don't know how in this world I got through my first Christmas after James Collins, Jr. died. He died May 2, but that first Christmas without him was pure misery.
It hurt! It hurt so much! No toys under the tree. No little Santa or snowman shaped cookies for him to take a nibble....if he had teeth by then. No "My First Christmas" baby outfit for him to wear. We did the only thing we could do as "playing Santa" for our son. We had a beautiful Santa made out of flowers for his grave. We were proud of his Santa that decorated his grave, but our hearts were hurting so bad as we set it up on our dead son's grave. No one should have to play Santa at their child's grave instead of the Christmas tree. There are no words that could even begin to describe that experience.
Christmas with my family was okay. Since I come from a large family, we get together the weekend before the actual Christmas Day. My sister-in-law was pregnant with her 3rd child due that March. I was unhappy I wasn't pregnant again by now. We were trying very hard, but nothing was happening.
I had been told I was infertile before I had James Collins, Jr. so I was hoping for another miracle. My family was very gentle and kind to me that Christmas. My baby was never mentioned. No one asked how I was doing. I guess they didn't want to upset me or that they didn't realize the need. It was so much on my mind, but maybe not theirs. Grief is just something people don't talk about during Christmas. That is why having a stillborn baby is so lonely. The parents suffer their loss alone. Just a silent hug by someone would help.
The Fitts family had BIG holiday affairs for two days. We all had to dress in our finest for Christmas Eve dinner at my MIL's. That's when got into the eggnog, trying to take the edge off. His family never ever mentioned my baby. Like my family, why should they? It would just dampen the holiday mood for all. Ours was already dampened. James' sister was due to have her baby any second. I was at my in-laws on Christmas Eve when the call came. His sister was in labor. The family was so happy and I was sitting there like a bump on a log. Her baby was born on Christmas Eve, a boy and very healthy. I wanted to leave as soon as dinner was over and we did. I was so upset all of the night. Why? Why God did her baby turn out okay and mine had to die? I took perfect care of myself so my baby would be healthy! It just didn't make sense to me why my baby had to be the one to die. Of course I really didn't want anything bad to happen to her baby. I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone. I just didn't want to hear about their good news. Just not in the mood.
The next morning we HAD to go over to his parents house again to open gifts and have breakfast together. I didn't want to go, but I did. Thankfully, as soon as we opened gifts, James parents had us all leave so they could go to the mountains of NC (6 hour drive) to see their new grandson. We also had to go to James' brother's house for a dressy Christmas night dinner. More eggnog! I was glad to leave. I don't remember much more of that Christmas, 37 years ago except that I cried. I cried a lot for my baby. My heart was broken and my arms were aching.
Computers had not been invented then. No cell phones, FB, Twitter, nothing. To call someone who lived out of the same town you lived in cost money. All of my sisters and my brother lived out of town. My parents lived out of town. I was in the deepest depts of sorrow in my grieving. James did his best to consol me, but nothing worked. I just prayed I would get pregnant soon.
It hurt! It hurt so much! No toys under the tree. No little Santa or snowman shaped cookies for him to take a nibble....if he had teeth by then. No "My First Christmas" baby outfit for him to wear. We did the only thing we could do as "playing Santa" for our son. We had a beautiful Santa made out of flowers for his grave. We were proud of his Santa that decorated his grave, but our hearts were hurting so bad as we set it up on our dead son's grave. No one should have to play Santa at their child's grave instead of the Christmas tree. There are no words that could even begin to describe that experience.
Christmas with my family was okay. Since I come from a large family, we get together the weekend before the actual Christmas Day. My sister-in-law was pregnant with her 3rd child due that March. I was unhappy I wasn't pregnant again by now. We were trying very hard, but nothing was happening.
I had been told I was infertile before I had James Collins, Jr. so I was hoping for another miracle. My family was very gentle and kind to me that Christmas. My baby was never mentioned. No one asked how I was doing. I guess they didn't want to upset me or that they didn't realize the need. It was so much on my mind, but maybe not theirs. Grief is just something people don't talk about during Christmas. That is why having a stillborn baby is so lonely. The parents suffer their loss alone. Just a silent hug by someone would help.
The Fitts family had BIG holiday affairs for two days. We all had to dress in our finest for Christmas Eve dinner at my MIL's. That's when got into the eggnog, trying to take the edge off. His family never ever mentioned my baby. Like my family, why should they? It would just dampen the holiday mood for all. Ours was already dampened. James' sister was due to have her baby any second. I was at my in-laws on Christmas Eve when the call came. His sister was in labor. The family was so happy and I was sitting there like a bump on a log. Her baby was born on Christmas Eve, a boy and very healthy. I wanted to leave as soon as dinner was over and we did. I was so upset all of the night. Why? Why God did her baby turn out okay and mine had to die? I took perfect care of myself so my baby would be healthy! It just didn't make sense to me why my baby had to be the one to die. Of course I really didn't want anything bad to happen to her baby. I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone. I just didn't want to hear about their good news. Just not in the mood.
The next morning we HAD to go over to his parents house again to open gifts and have breakfast together. I didn't want to go, but I did. Thankfully, as soon as we opened gifts, James parents had us all leave so they could go to the mountains of NC (6 hour drive) to see their new grandson. We also had to go to James' brother's house for a dressy Christmas night dinner. More eggnog! I was glad to leave. I don't remember much more of that Christmas, 37 years ago except that I cried. I cried a lot for my baby. My heart was broken and my arms were aching.
Computers had not been invented then. No cell phones, FB, Twitter, nothing. To call someone who lived out of the same town you lived in cost money. All of my sisters and my brother lived out of town. My parents lived out of town. I was in the deepest depts of sorrow in my grieving. James did his best to consol me, but nothing worked. I just prayed I would get pregnant soon.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Let Jesus Be Your Gift This Christmas of Babyloss
Jesus was born into this world for us so in the midst of suffering and evil we would have hope! Hope for a way out of this mess on earth! God let His only Son be born into this world knowing he would die an agonizing death for us so we might have life ever lasting in Heaven!
This knowledge made me ever so much more thankful my first Christmas without my baby son, James Collins, Jr. Because of Christmas my son wasn't in death's grip. He was alive in Heaven! I would get to see him again one day. My hope! My child had not just disappeared into the ground for nothing. I did not carry him in my womb for 9 months for nothing. James Collins was alive and with our Lord & Savior! Thank you Jesus! Thank you God for your plan of salvation for us all!
This does not mean I wasn't heavy hearted that Christmas of 1975. Yes, I cried buckets. I wanted more than anything to be celebrating under the tree with our would be 7 month old baby boy. Yes, we did put up a tree. I ached for him all over! I was envious of those who did have their children to celebrate the season with. That was my human side. Oh, I hurt that Christmas. I still hurt today. We will celebrate Christmas with our grown Rainbow Sons, one which is married and has given us three adorable grandchildren. We will enjoy our friends this Christmas. Only myself and James will realize what will be missing. The extra laughing from our James Collins, Jr and our only daughter, Reita Gale. James Jr. would be 37 years old this Christmas. Reita Gale would be 30 years old. Most likely, there would be more grandchildren looking forward to a visit from Santa this year. I'll think of that Christmas. How could I not? But I will also be grateful that they are alive and having Christmas in Heaven. They are not gone from me forever.
I would be lying if I said that I am grateful that it is not that first Christmas of 1975 and the Christmas of 1982. I remember James and I shopping for toys for our sons who were then 7 and 2 years old. As we went into the store in Richmond, VA to shop for their Christmas toys, we came to the little girl's section first. Both of our eyes hit the baby dolls at the same time. Right there in the middle of the store, we both held each other and wept uncontrollable sobs. We were a mess to say the least. After letting the sobs do their job, we pulled ourselves together and shopped for our sons. How do you ever forget a scene like that? You don't. You somehow get through the minutes and continue on.
That is how we have made it this far. Second by second, minute by minute, and day by day. In our case, year by year.
We hear your cries, those of you experiencing your first Christmas without your baby or babies. This year, after meeting you through my blogging, we hear you even louder. Our hearts are sad for you. In fact, we truly hurt for you.
Blessings and hugs....so many hugs going out to each and everyone of you hurting.
James & Gale Fitts (@Fittise)
This knowledge made me ever so much more thankful my first Christmas without my baby son, James Collins, Jr. Because of Christmas my son wasn't in death's grip. He was alive in Heaven! I would get to see him again one day. My hope! My child had not just disappeared into the ground for nothing. I did not carry him in my womb for 9 months for nothing. James Collins was alive and with our Lord & Savior! Thank you Jesus! Thank you God for your plan of salvation for us all!
This does not mean I wasn't heavy hearted that Christmas of 1975. Yes, I cried buckets. I wanted more than anything to be celebrating under the tree with our would be 7 month old baby boy. Yes, we did put up a tree. I ached for him all over! I was envious of those who did have their children to celebrate the season with. That was my human side. Oh, I hurt that Christmas. I still hurt today. We will celebrate Christmas with our grown Rainbow Sons, one which is married and has given us three adorable grandchildren. We will enjoy our friends this Christmas. Only myself and James will realize what will be missing. The extra laughing from our James Collins, Jr and our only daughter, Reita Gale. James Jr. would be 37 years old this Christmas. Reita Gale would be 30 years old. Most likely, there would be more grandchildren looking forward to a visit from Santa this year. I'll think of that Christmas. How could I not? But I will also be grateful that they are alive and having Christmas in Heaven. They are not gone from me forever.
I would be lying if I said that I am grateful that it is not that first Christmas of 1975 and the Christmas of 1982. I remember James and I shopping for toys for our sons who were then 7 and 2 years old. As we went into the store in Richmond, VA to shop for their Christmas toys, we came to the little girl's section first. Both of our eyes hit the baby dolls at the same time. Right there in the middle of the store, we both held each other and wept uncontrollable sobs. We were a mess to say the least. After letting the sobs do their job, we pulled ourselves together and shopped for our sons. How do you ever forget a scene like that? You don't. You somehow get through the minutes and continue on.
That is how we have made it this far. Second by second, minute by minute, and day by day. In our case, year by year.
We hear your cries, those of you experiencing your first Christmas without your baby or babies. This year, after meeting you through my blogging, we hear you even louder. Our hearts are sad for you. In fact, we truly hurt for you.
Blessings and hugs....so many hugs going out to each and everyone of you hurting.
James & Gale Fitts (@Fittise)
Monday, December 17, 2012
The Unexpected Interview To Teach Again
I had always planned to be a mother who stayed at home to raise her children. I had dreamed of this ever since I was in high school. No, maybe ever since I was a little girl playing with my dolls. I wanted to be like a Donna Reed or June Cleaver mother! So when I left school to have James, Jr. I resigned from my teaching position. Now, with the stillbirth, I assumed I would continue on with my teaching the following year. So I reapplied for my teaching position. I knew there wouldn't be a problem. I had a phone call from Central Office to come in for an interview. It turned out that my school had a new principal. He had insisted on interviewing me as just a formality. I know the superintendent and the assistant superintendent had planned on hiring me back. I assumed there would be no problem with this new principal. Wrong! Oh, he hired me alright, but not without insulting me and threatening me first. He knew why I had resigned my job and about my son's death. He brought this up during the interview. He wasn't kind or sympathetic. Instead, he threatened me that if he ever saw any sign of grieving or depression while I was around the students, parents, or other teachers he would put me up to be fired. I was never to speak of my baby. Oh, like my friends weren't going to ever mention it! He must never see me falter for a second. I had NO intention of ever acting that way around my students! He made me feel like because I had a dead baby I wasn't suitable to be around students! That insulted me to know end! I was a good teacher! I would continue to be a good teacher! I let him know that during that interview. He also could tell how insulted I was. I wasn't hurt, I was down right insulted! If I didn't feel capable to return to teaching, I would have never applied to come back. It ended up that I had a great year with my new first graders that year. I gave those children the best I had in me. I still hear from some of those students. Some are teachers and some have children of their own. We bonded in a special way. I didn't retire from that school because we moved from north central NC to the coast of NC. I still keep in touch with that principal on occasion. I bet he doesn't remember that interview. I bet he has no idea how that made me disrespect him as a leader or human being. That interview took place in July of 1975 and I can still picture the room we were in with its polished chairs and smell of real leather. Yep. Bet he has no idea.
Business Trip to Disneyland Two Months After Baby James Died
In June, a couple of weeks after burying our sweet baby boy, my husband was told by his dad that he needed to attend a business meeting in California coming up in July. James worked for his dad in the sales of appliances, lighting fixtures, TV's, and commercial/ home wiring. It was a long time family business. One of the lighting fixture companies they dealt with was having this business trip. These trips were designed for wives to go also. The family and James thought this was a great opportunity for the two of us to go and enjoy ourselves. I would have thought so too, however this was a trip flying to the west coast to Disneyland! Disneyland was a place for taking your children and mine had died. Not such a good idea in my mind! In the 1970's Disneyland did not have the adult aspects that it later developed. That began with the opening of Disney World in Orlando, Fla. I can tell you up front that I wasn't excited about this trip. Actually nothing excited me. Having fun wasn't in my vocabulary yet. The family insisted that James just had to take this trip and he shouldn't go alone. I agreed to go.
July arrived and we were off to California. I have to admit that it was good to get away. The flight was my first. James and I were really alone to enjoy each other. We were also trying to get pregnant again. Just maybe this trip would work out after all. First, we went on a tour bus going to Beverly Hills to see the famous movie stars' homes on the exact bus that Lucy & Ethel took on the "I Love Lucy" show. I began to get excited at this point. I did enjoy myself during the tour. Later, I went on another tour with the other wives who had come on the same business trip. This one was to Universal Studios. The movie, JAWS, had just been released. We got to see the mechanical Jaws they used in filming the movie. That was pretty cool. So far, this trip was really going well. California was a beautiful place. All was going well until we arrived at Disneyland.
Why I agrred to the Disneyland part of the trip beats me. I immediately became uncomfortable. What in the world was I doing here? This is where children's dreams come true! My child would never get to see this or experience this place! How could I as his mother come enjoy this when he couldn't? We should have left and done something else. But we didn't. As we made our way through the park, I got sadder and sadder. All of the usual Disney characters were walking around greeting families. These families included small children having the time of their yong lives! It was just the two of us. Again, what were we doing here? Yes, it was a beautiful and exciting place! But that was what made me sad! Our child wasn't with us! We weren't sharing this place with him! Get out of my way! I need to leave now! When we went through, It's A Small world After All, which is a water ride through a beautiful tunnel while small children sing, I began to tear up. I couldn't tell how James felt, but I knew it wasn't like the feelings I was having. I cried in the tunnel. I felt like we shouldn't be at a freaking famous theme park for children. I think James felt like we should just be enjoying ourselves. Some friction began. He enjoyed our climb up "Swiss Family Robinson's Tree House" as far as I could tell. During the entire climb, I just kept thinking how much our son would have enjoyed this magnificent tree house. But he would never get to climb one, and I was feeling very guilty about doing it. James just didn't get the guilt trip I was on. I thought we should leave the theme park. I honestly don't remember if James was ready to leave or ticked off at me for wanting to leave. I do remember being a real drag while James just kept trying to cheer me up. He became tired of having to cheer me up. He didn't understand that I couldn't be cheered up! I didn't want to feel this way, I couldn't help it! We did buy a Winnie the Pooh teddy bear and a Mickey Mouse hat. I don't know if we bought these children items just because it was what we would have done if he were alive or just to make me feel better. It doesn't make sense why we did it, we just did. We took pictures of these gifts. Don't know why we did that either. I just kept having waves of deep sadness sweep over me. My face showed grief. You can't hide grief even when you want to. Your facial muscles just won't let you. It is in your eyes and body language, too. You just naturally slump your shoulders and hover. You have lost your bouncy self. At least, that is how it was with me for almost two years. I just couldn't shake it and James got tired of it. When we got home from our trip our lives began to change even more. I didn't think things could get worse, but they did.
July arrived and we were off to California. I have to admit that it was good to get away. The flight was my first. James and I were really alone to enjoy each other. We were also trying to get pregnant again. Just maybe this trip would work out after all. First, we went on a tour bus going to Beverly Hills to see the famous movie stars' homes on the exact bus that Lucy & Ethel took on the "I Love Lucy" show. I began to get excited at this point. I did enjoy myself during the tour. Later, I went on another tour with the other wives who had come on the same business trip. This one was to Universal Studios. The movie, JAWS, had just been released. We got to see the mechanical Jaws they used in filming the movie. That was pretty cool. So far, this trip was really going well. California was a beautiful place. All was going well until we arrived at Disneyland.
Why I agrred to the Disneyland part of the trip beats me. I immediately became uncomfortable. What in the world was I doing here? This is where children's dreams come true! My child would never get to see this or experience this place! How could I as his mother come enjoy this when he couldn't? We should have left and done something else. But we didn't. As we made our way through the park, I got sadder and sadder. All of the usual Disney characters were walking around greeting families. These families included small children having the time of their yong lives! It was just the two of us. Again, what were we doing here? Yes, it was a beautiful and exciting place! But that was what made me sad! Our child wasn't with us! We weren't sharing this place with him! Get out of my way! I need to leave now! When we went through, It's A Small world After All, which is a water ride through a beautiful tunnel while small children sing, I began to tear up. I couldn't tell how James felt, but I knew it wasn't like the feelings I was having. I cried in the tunnel. I felt like we shouldn't be at a freaking famous theme park for children. I think James felt like we should just be enjoying ourselves. Some friction began. He enjoyed our climb up "Swiss Family Robinson's Tree House" as far as I could tell. During the entire climb, I just kept thinking how much our son would have enjoyed this magnificent tree house. But he would never get to climb one, and I was feeling very guilty about doing it. James just didn't get the guilt trip I was on. I thought we should leave the theme park. I honestly don't remember if James was ready to leave or ticked off at me for wanting to leave. I do remember being a real drag while James just kept trying to cheer me up. He became tired of having to cheer me up. He didn't understand that I couldn't be cheered up! I didn't want to feel this way, I couldn't help it! We did buy a Winnie the Pooh teddy bear and a Mickey Mouse hat. I don't know if we bought these children items just because it was what we would have done if he were alive or just to make me feel better. It doesn't make sense why we did it, we just did. We took pictures of these gifts. Don't know why we did that either. I just kept having waves of deep sadness sweep over me. My face showed grief. You can't hide grief even when you want to. Your facial muscles just won't let you. It is in your eyes and body language, too. You just naturally slump your shoulders and hover. You have lost your bouncy self. At least, that is how it was with me for almost two years. I just couldn't shake it and James got tired of it. When we got home from our trip our lives began to change even more. I didn't think things could get worse, but they did.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Am I The Only Mother of Baby Loss Without Family Support?
I have been in a funk for the past day. In reading all of the blogs and Kindle books, I have not found one mother who did not get support to help her through her mourning period. It is bad enough to have a full term stillbirth, but without some kind of support system to help one get through this is just doubling the pain and loss. I had friends to stop by for a little while, then go on with their lives. I had not a single soul to talk to. James had been told by his mom NOT to bring up the subject with me. If we didn't talk about it, it would just go away. She told him that we should forget this and go on thinking about the future. James' mother had always been a person you could count on to help you in any situation. I had wanted to be a mother like her! But the death of our son brought out the worse in her. She didn't deal well with death, so she avoided anything to do with it. Well, I HAD to deal with death because it came knocking on MY door. I had no choice! James followed his mother's advice and never brought up the subject. When I brought it up, he tolerated only a few minutes of talk before changing the subject or telling me that we shouldn't talk about it. I should just get over it. I hadn't even been in for my six weeks check-up yet and I should be over this? I felt like James didn't love our son we had loss. That made me very angry, especially when I was up all night because I just couldn't sleep and he was just snoring away.
One night about two weeks after baby James died, I needed to talk so badly to someone and James was sleeping. It was around 11:00 PM. I knew my mother stayed up late so I called her long distance in Washington, NC. She finally picked up the phone and was immediately concerned with what was wrong. I was crying. She wanted to know why I was crying. I told her between sobs that I missed my baby and that I needed someone to talk to. People, this is just so true that it hurts me to say this in writing. My mother said in an irritated voice that I had interrupted her watching her favorite movie, "On the Waterfront" and that IF I had been a good Christian, my baby would not have died. She didn't know what was wrong with me because she had birthed 6 children with no problems. I needed to live better in order to have a baby! I was so taken back with what she said that I just hung up the phone in disbelief. Was there something wrong with me? How cruel of words could a mother ever say to her own child? I must be a misfit for her to do so. James' mother treated me the same way. I must be a really bad person. Non-deserving. I had no support from my family. Dear God, what had I done to deserve this neglect? I wasn't asking for the moon! Just some private talk time to get out my emotions and have my son validated that he was a real baby born and died. I was not fit for James because I could not give birth to a "real baby" for him. At least that was what my MIL told me. I didn't believe her or what my own mother had said over the phone. I didn't get these people! They didn't get me! What I have never understood is why James listened to his mother and actually did what she said. How could he be so full of grief and it not show? There was no way I could begin to hide mine. How could he? Or was he not grieving? I later found out he grieved in private but not in front of me because he didn't want to upset me. Well, it upset me more that I didn't see his grief! When I had my son, it was in May of 1975. At that time, fathers never went with their wives to doctor appointments. It was just not proper for men to show up in an OB/GYN office. It was indecent! It was that way for everyone. Women did this pregnancy and childbirth thing alone. Fathers just passed out cigars after the wonderful birth! We had no ultrasounds or pictures of our baby. Nothing. I can see where James was not as connected as I was. He hadn't experienced the pregnancy or delivery. Fathers were left completely out of the loop back then. However, I needed compassion from somewhere.
We moved into a new home in June. That meant that I had to agree to take down the nursery. We bought an antique trunk that I cleaned up and painted blue, pink, and white to match the now former nursery. I covered the inside after dusting it with baby powder with baby themed contact paper. Then I stored my most precious of all things, my baby clothes, diapers, toys, blankets and all nursery items. I put the trunk at the foot of our bed in our new home.
Our new home was located near the cemetery which pleased me. I could walk to James, Jr.s grave everyday and sit with him and talk. Our new neighbor's saw the baby crib coming into the house and wanted to know when we were expecting. I had to explain that we had just loss our son to stillbirth the month before. I was always explaining where my baby was to the people at the grocery store and other places I frequented. I was even asked to come back to my school to visit my students so that they could see I was alright. Those kids showed more compassion than anyone. They could not grasp what had happened or where my baby was, but they were just happy to hug me and see I was okay. They were truly sorry that my baby could not be with me.
Well, I am at a point where I don't know if I should continue with my blogging.
I thought that my blog might help some new mother out in blogworld get through the grief of stillbirth and realize that life does go on and that one day there would be true laughter again. But as I said earier in this post, you moms have support so I know you will survive. But will I ever get over the trauma of going through my grief alone?
One night about two weeks after baby James died, I needed to talk so badly to someone and James was sleeping. It was around 11:00 PM. I knew my mother stayed up late so I called her long distance in Washington, NC. She finally picked up the phone and was immediately concerned with what was wrong. I was crying. She wanted to know why I was crying. I told her between sobs that I missed my baby and that I needed someone to talk to. People, this is just so true that it hurts me to say this in writing. My mother said in an irritated voice that I had interrupted her watching her favorite movie, "On the Waterfront" and that IF I had been a good Christian, my baby would not have died. She didn't know what was wrong with me because she had birthed 6 children with no problems. I needed to live better in order to have a baby! I was so taken back with what she said that I just hung up the phone in disbelief. Was there something wrong with me? How cruel of words could a mother ever say to her own child? I must be a misfit for her to do so. James' mother treated me the same way. I must be a really bad person. Non-deserving. I had no support from my family. Dear God, what had I done to deserve this neglect? I wasn't asking for the moon! Just some private talk time to get out my emotions and have my son validated that he was a real baby born and died. I was not fit for James because I could not give birth to a "real baby" for him. At least that was what my MIL told me. I didn't believe her or what my own mother had said over the phone. I didn't get these people! They didn't get me! What I have never understood is why James listened to his mother and actually did what she said. How could he be so full of grief and it not show? There was no way I could begin to hide mine. How could he? Or was he not grieving? I later found out he grieved in private but not in front of me because he didn't want to upset me. Well, it upset me more that I didn't see his grief! When I had my son, it was in May of 1975. At that time, fathers never went with their wives to doctor appointments. It was just not proper for men to show up in an OB/GYN office. It was indecent! It was that way for everyone. Women did this pregnancy and childbirth thing alone. Fathers just passed out cigars after the wonderful birth! We had no ultrasounds or pictures of our baby. Nothing. I can see where James was not as connected as I was. He hadn't experienced the pregnancy or delivery. Fathers were left completely out of the loop back then. However, I needed compassion from somewhere.
We moved into a new home in June. That meant that I had to agree to take down the nursery. We bought an antique trunk that I cleaned up and painted blue, pink, and white to match the now former nursery. I covered the inside after dusting it with baby powder with baby themed contact paper. Then I stored my most precious of all things, my baby clothes, diapers, toys, blankets and all nursery items. I put the trunk at the foot of our bed in our new home.
Our new home was located near the cemetery which pleased me. I could walk to James, Jr.s grave everyday and sit with him and talk. Our new neighbor's saw the baby crib coming into the house and wanted to know when we were expecting. I had to explain that we had just loss our son to stillbirth the month before. I was always explaining where my baby was to the people at the grocery store and other places I frequented. I was even asked to come back to my school to visit my students so that they could see I was alright. Those kids showed more compassion than anyone. They could not grasp what had happened or where my baby was, but they were just happy to hug me and see I was okay. They were truly sorry that my baby could not be with me.
Well, I am at a point where I don't know if I should continue with my blogging.
I thought that my blog might help some new mother out in blogworld get through the grief of stillbirth and realize that life does go on and that one day there would be true laughter again. But as I said earier in this post, you moms have support so I know you will survive. But will I ever get over the trauma of going through my grief alone?
Monday, December 10, 2012
The Night My Baby Spoke to Me
We finally walked into our own home for the first time since I entered the hospital in late April. It was now May 10th. I went straight for the nursery. There it was. Our beautiful nursery so clean and pure in its blue, pink and white. I looked at the empty crib. I turned on the mobile to hear the music that broke the silence. We cried. My arms never felt so empty. My body's mothering senses had kicked in full speed ahead and I had no baby to hold and mother. James had suggested that we might want to take down the nursery. I panicked. Never! My baby had been taken away, but the nursery would remain until ......well until. Nobody better slip in and touch a thing! I went out on our patio to lie on a lounge chair. I watched as James brought out some of the azaleas friends had sent us. We arranged and then re-arranged where they should be planted. My neighbor, Jenny brought her sweet daughter whom James and I adored. She hugged us and asked where my baby was. How do you explain this to a three year old when you don't even understand yourself? As simply as possible. They left. We were glad they came over.
Later that night, after we were in bed, it started raining for the first time since baby James' funeral. Were the tents still up to keep him dry? Would he be chilly? I began to get frantic with worry! I woke up James. He reminded me the baby was fine. I still worried and went back to the task of trying to sleep. All of a sudden in the night I awoke with a startle. I heard a sweet angelic voice saying the word mother. I sat up in bed. There at the foot of our bed was my baby son floating above the bed. He even had on the blue outfit with the white kite on it that he was buried in! I clearly remember his saying with kindness but also authority, "Mother, do not not worry about me! Don't you know that I am with my Father in Heaven?" He disappeared. That message was for me. I was not to worry. My son was safe with God. He was just fine. It was me that was a wreck full of grief. I never did worry over my baby's well-being again. It was my grief I had to contend with now.
Later that night, after we were in bed, it started raining for the first time since baby James' funeral. Were the tents still up to keep him dry? Would he be chilly? I began to get frantic with worry! I woke up James. He reminded me the baby was fine. I still worried and went back to the task of trying to sleep. All of a sudden in the night I awoke with a startle. I heard a sweet angelic voice saying the word mother. I sat up in bed. There at the foot of our bed was my baby son floating above the bed. He even had on the blue outfit with the white kite on it that he was buried in! I clearly remember his saying with kindness but also authority, "Mother, do not not worry about me! Don't you know that I am with my Father in Heaven?" He disappeared. That message was for me. I was not to worry. My son was safe with God. He was just fine. It was me that was a wreck full of grief. I never did worry over my baby's well-being again. It was my grief I had to contend with now.
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