Understanding Grief Is Timeless By James Collins, Sr.

Depending on which study you look at, around 25% of couples that lose a child end up in a divorce. We all handle grief differently and it's also so true that men and women are wired differently. As men, we all have that natural instinct to look after and protect our spouse. We are the ones that are suppose to "fix things", it's in our makeup. When we lost our son, James Collins Jr., we were both beyond grief and there was no "fix".  In the beginning we shared our grief together, but as the time passed, I found myself hiding my grief more and more. There was nothing I could say or do to make it better. My Mom had been a nurse and witnessed many still births. The advice to me was to be strong and to help my wife "get over it". The less said the better and time would heal. HOW WRONG I WAS TO LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE MUCH LESS ALLOW IT TO GO ON!  Maybe I was young and ignorant, but if any of you ever wanted to have a "do over" somewhere in life, this one is mine.  I grieve for my son and my daughter and there are times I think about how they would look and what they would be doing. I have a strong belief that James Jr. would look very much like his younger brother. My daughter would be so special to me,my beautiful princess. For my wife that carried and felt the life of our children, I know she has a connection that is much stronger than mine. She has that special close bond and the longing for those that are not here that is reserved only for mothers. It's been 37 years and there is one thing I can tell you guys. Until the end of your time together understand her need to talk about, cry about, recognize those special dates, and let her know that you are there for her. I would like to thank all of you that have read and supported Gale with her blog. It's been 37 years but the support you have shown, the response you have given, and the understanding you have lovingly given has meant more to her than anything since our loss.   To each of you on your baby loss I'm sorry and extend my heart felt sympathy....Sincerely James Collins Sr.   

A Point of View Coming Soon From My Hubby of 42 Years

I have been asking James to be a guest writer for my blog.  I wanted him to share his point of view having a stillborn son and later, his only daughter, plus dealing with a wife in mourning and hormones flying everywhere.

I wanted him to write also, so he can deal with some feelings he has.  So, look forward to reading what James has to say.  I know I am.

Thanks in advance for writing, hon!

First Christmas Without James Collins, Jr.

I don't know how in this world I got through my first Christmas after James Collins, Jr. died.  He died May 2, but that first Christmas without him was pure misery.

It hurt!  It hurt so much!  No toys under the tree.  No little Santa or snowman shaped cookies for him to take a nibble....if he had teeth by then.  No "My First Christmas" baby outfit for him to wear.  We did the only thing we could do as "playing Santa" for our son.  We had a beautiful Santa made out of flowers for his grave.  We were proud of his Santa that decorated his grave, but our hearts were hurting so bad as we set it up on our dead son's grave.  No one should have to play Santa at their child's grave instead of the Christmas tree.  There are no words that could even begin to describe that experience. 

Christmas with my family was okay.  Since I come from a large family, we get together the weekend before the actual Christmas Day.  My sister-in-law was pregnant with her 3rd child due that March.  I was unhappy I wasn't pregnant again by now.  We were trying very hard, but nothing was happening.
I had been told I was infertile before I had James Collins, Jr. so I was hoping for another miracle.  My family was very gentle and kind to me that Christmas.  My baby was never mentioned.  No one asked how I was doing.  I guess they didn't want to upset me or that they didn't realize the need.  It was so much on my mind, but maybe not theirs.  Grief is just something people don't talk about during Christmas.  That is why having a stillborn baby is so lonely.  The parents suffer their loss alone.  Just a silent hug by someone would help.

The Fitts family had BIG holiday affairs for two days.  We all had to dress in our finest for Christmas Eve dinner at my MIL's.  That's when got into the eggnog, trying to take the edge off.  His family never ever mentioned my baby. Like my family, why should they?  It would just dampen the holiday mood for all.  Ours was already dampened.   James' sister was due to have her baby any second.  I was at my in-laws on Christmas Eve when the call came.  His sister was in labor.  The family was so happy and I was sitting there like a bump on a log.      Her baby was born on Christmas Eve, a boy and very healthy.  I wanted to leave as soon as dinner was over and we did.  I was so upset all of the night.  Why?  Why God did her baby turn out okay and mine had to die?  I took perfect care of myself so my baby would be healthy!    It just didn't make sense to me why my baby had to be the one to die.  Of course I really didn't want anything bad to happen to her baby.  I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone.  I just didn't want to hear about their good news.  Just not in the mood.

The next morning we HAD to go over to his parents house again to open gifts and have breakfast together.  I didn't want to go, but I did.  Thankfully, as soon as we opened gifts, James parents had us all leave so they could go to the mountains of NC (6 hour drive) to see their new grandson. We also had to go to James' brother's house for a dressy Christmas night dinner.  More eggnog!  I was glad to leave.  I don't remember much more of that Christmas, 37 years ago except that I cried.  I cried a lot for my baby.  My heart was broken and my arms were aching.

Computers had not been invented then.  No cell phones, FB, Twitter, nothing.  To call someone who lived out of the same town you lived in cost money.  All of my sisters and my brother lived out of town.  My parents lived out of town.  I was in the deepest depts of sorrow in my grieving.  James did his best to consol me, but nothing worked.  I just prayed I would get pregnant soon.

                                               
                                                                           
                                           

Let Jesus Be Your Gift This Christmas of Babyloss

Jesus was born into this world for us so in the midst of suffering and evil we would have hope!  Hope for a way out of this mess on earth!  God let His only Son be born into this world knowing he would die an agonizing death for us so we might have life ever lasting in Heaven!

This knowledge made me ever so much more thankful my first Christmas without my baby son, James Collins, Jr.  Because of Christmas my son wasn't in death's grip.  He was alive in Heaven!  I would get to see him again one day.  My hope!  My child had not just disappeared into the ground for nothing.  I did not carry him in my womb for 9 months for nothing.  James Collins was alive and with our Lord & Savior!  Thank you Jesus!  Thank you God for your plan of salvation for us all!

This does not mean I wasn't heavy hearted that Christmas of 1975.  Yes, I cried buckets.  I wanted more than anything to be celebrating under the tree with our would be 7 month old baby boy. Yes, we did put up a tree. I ached for him all over! I was envious of those who did have their children to celebrate the season with. That was my human side. Oh, I hurt that Christmas.  I still hurt today.  We will celebrate Christmas with our grown Rainbow Sons, one which is married and has given us three adorable grandchildren.  We will enjoy our friends this Christmas.  Only myself and James will realize what will be missing.  The extra laughing from our James Collins, Jr and our only daughter, Reita Gale.  James Jr. would be 37 years old this Christmas.  Reita Gale would be 30 years old.  Most likely, there would be more grandchildren looking forward to a visit from Santa this year.  I'll think of that Christmas.  How could I not?  But I will also be grateful that they are alive and having Christmas in Heaven.  They are not gone from me forever.

I would be lying if I said that I am grateful that it is not that first Christmas of 1975 and the Christmas of 1982.  I remember James and I shopping for toys for our sons who were then 7 and 2 years old.  As we went into the store in Richmond, VA to shop for their Christmas toys, we came to the little girl's section first.  Both of our eyes hit the baby dolls at the same time.  Right there in the middle of the store, we both held each other and wept uncontrollable sobs.  We were a mess to say the least. After letting the sobs do their job, we pulled ourselves together and shopped for our sons.  How do you ever forget a scene like that?  You don't.  You somehow get through the minutes and continue on.

That is how we have made it this far.  Second by second, minute by minute, and day by day.  In our case, year by year.

We hear your cries, those of you experiencing your first Christmas without your baby or babies.  This year, after meeting you through my blogging, we hear you even louder.  Our hearts are sad for you.  In fact, we truly hurt for you. 

Blessings and hugs....so many hugs going out to each and everyone of you hurting.
James & Gale Fitts (@Fittise)

The Unexpected Interview To Teach Again

I had always planned to be a mother who stayed at home to raise her children.  I had dreamed of this ever since I was in high school.  No, maybe ever since I was a little girl playing with my dolls.  I wanted to be like a Donna Reed or June Cleaver mother!  So when I left school to have James, Jr.  I resigned from my teaching position.  Now, with the stillbirth, I assumed I would continue on with my teaching the following year.  So I reapplied for my teaching position.  I knew there wouldn't be a problem.  I had a phone call from Central Office to come in for an interview.  It turned out that my school had a new principal.  He had insisted on interviewing me as just a formality.  I know the superintendent and the assistant superintendent had planned on hiring me back.  I assumed there would be no problem with this new principal.  Wrong!  Oh, he hired me alright, but not without insulting me and threatening me first.  He knew why I had resigned my job and about my son's death.  He brought this up during the interview.  He wasn't kind or sympathetic.  Instead, he threatened me that if he ever saw any sign of grieving or depression while I was around the students, parents, or other teachers he would put me up to be fired.  I was never to speak of my baby.  Oh, like my friends weren't going to ever mention it!  He must never see me falter for a second.  I had NO intention of ever acting that way around my students!  He made me feel like because I had a dead baby I wasn't suitable to be around students!  That insulted me to know end!  I was a good teacher!  I would continue to be a good teacher!  I let him know that during that interview.  He also could tell how insulted I was.  I wasn't hurt, I was down right insulted!  If I didn't feel capable to return to teaching, I would have never applied to come back.  It ended up that I had a great year with my new first graders that year.  I gave those children the best I had in me.  I still hear from some of those students.  Some are teachers and some have children of their own.  We bonded in a special way.  I didn't retire from that school because we moved from north central NC to the coast of NC.  I still keep in touch with that principal on occasion.  I bet he doesn't remember that interview.  I bet he has no idea how that made me disrespect him as a leader or human being.  That interview took place in July of 1975 and I can still picture the room we were in with its polished chairs and smell of real leather.  Yep.  Bet he has no idea.

Business Trip to Disneyland Two Months After Baby James Died

In June, a couple of weeks after burying our sweet baby boy, my husband was told by his dad that he needed to attend a business meeting in California coming up in July.   James worked for his dad in the sales of appliances, lighting fixtures, TV's, and commercial/ home wiring. It was a long time family business.  One of the lighting fixture companies they dealt with was having this business trip. These trips were designed for wives to go also. The family and James thought this was a great opportunity for the two of us to go and enjoy ourselves. I would have thought so too, however this was a trip flying to the west coast to Disneyland!  Disneyland was a place for taking your children and mine had died.  Not such a good idea in my mind!  In the 1970's Disneyland did not have the adult aspects that it later developed.  That began with the opening of Disney World in Orlando, Fla.  I can tell you up front that I wasn't excited about this trip.  Actually nothing excited me.  Having fun wasn't in my vocabulary yet.  The family insisted that James just had to take this trip and he shouldn't go alone.  I agreed to go.

July arrived and we were off to California.  I have to admit that it was good to get away.  The flight was my first.  James and I were really alone to enjoy each other.  We were also trying to get pregnant again. Just maybe this trip would work out after all.  First,  we went on a tour bus going to Beverly Hills to see the famous movie stars' homes on the exact bus that Lucy & Ethel took on the "I Love Lucy" show.  I began to get excited at this point.    I did enjoy myself during the tour. Later, I went on another tour with the other wives who had come on the same business trip.  This one was to Universal Studios.  The movie, JAWS, had just been released.  We got to see the mechanical Jaws they used in filming the movie.  That was pretty cool. So far, this trip was really going well.  California was a beautiful place.  All was going well until we arrived at Disneyland.

Why I agrred to the Disneyland part of the trip beats me.  I immediately became uncomfortable.  What in the world was I doing here?  This is where children's dreams come true!  My child would never get to see this or experience this place!  How could I as his mother come enjoy this when he couldn't?  We should have left and done something else.  But we didn't.   As we made our way through the park, I got sadder and sadder. All of the usual Disney characters were walking around greeting families. These families included small children having the time of their yong lives!  It was just the two of us.  Again, what were we doing here? Yes, it was a beautiful and exciting place!  But that was what made me sad!  Our child wasn't with us!  We weren't sharing this place with him!  Get out of my way!  I need to leave now!  When we went through, It's A Small world After All, which is a water ride through a beautiful tunnel while small children sing, I began to tear up.  I couldn't tell how James felt, but I knew it wasn't like the feelings I was having.  I cried in the tunnel.  I felt like we shouldn't be at a freaking famous theme park for children.  I think James felt like we should just be enjoying ourselves.  Some friction began.  He enjoyed our climb up "Swiss Family Robinson's Tree House" as far as I could tell.  During the entire climb, I just kept thinking how much our son would have enjoyed this magnificent tree house.  But he would never get to climb one, and I was feeling very guilty about doing it.  James just didn't get the guilt trip I was on.  I thought we should leave the theme park.  I honestly don't remember if James was ready to leave or ticked off at me for wanting to leave.  I do remember being a real drag while James just kept trying to cheer me up. He became tired of having to cheer me up. He didn't understand that I couldn't be cheered up! I didn't want to feel this way, I couldn't help it!  We did buy a Winnie the Pooh teddy bear and a Mickey Mouse hat.  I don't know if we bought these children items just because it was what we would have done if he were alive or just to make me feel better.  It doesn't make sense why we did it, we just did.  We took pictures of these gifts.  Don't know why we did that either.  I just kept having waves of deep sadness sweep over me. My face showed grief.  You can't hide grief even when you want to.  Your facial muscles just won't let you.  It is in your eyes and body language, too.  You just naturally slump your shoulders and hover.  You have lost your bouncy self.  At least, that is how it was with me for almost two years.  I just couldn't shake it and James got tired of it.  When we got home from our trip our lives began to change even more.  I didn't think things could get worse, but they did. 

My Heart Goes Out to Newtown, CT

My heart is heavy with grief and horror for those affected by the tragedy that took place at Sandy Hook Elementary.  I can not go on blogging without mentioning this evil.  This took place last Friday as I was blogging, unaware the unthinkable was happening to these most precious children and adults who took care of them while at school.  As the pictures of these children are put on TV, I look into their innocent eyes and my insides get sick for what happened to them.  Oh the gut wrenching hurt their parents are going through!  I can't begin to imagine!  My son and daughter died of stillbirth quietly in my womb.  I know how bad that hurts.  These children faced a monster!!!  The worse "boogie-man" ever and he was real and killed them.  My Father in Heaven, please receive these children immediately and give them peace!  They were so innocent and never deserved this! Please God, hold on to their parents tightly and love them through this!  I grieve with you, but I again can not begin to understand your horror.

I have been retired from teaching middle school children for 4 years now.  I have been through the frightening drills of "Shooter on Campus!"  I have trained for just this type of event.  Just this drill of lockdown would take a toll.  Trying to explain why we were having these drills and hiding in the classroom without frightening my students was next to impossible.  This was an age group that could put two and two together.  It was imperative to stress upon the students how important it was to be absolutely quiet and to stay hidden in their assigned hiding place.  I always hid them in groups, never alone.  The police would come by our classrooms and shake the doors trying to get in as an intruder would.  This was the part of the drill for the students to practice being their quietest at probably the scariest moment.  The intercom was turned on and we could hear gun shots firing and screaming.  Students were not at school when this part of the drill happened!  I was and in my room alone and scared out of my wits and I knew was just a drill. 

Were the drills and preparation needed? As you can tell by what has happened in Newtown, CT  they were.  Teachers saved lives by knowing what to do.  Do these drills cause our children to lose a bit of innocence?  I believe they do.  Unfortunately, evil lurks around our schools and we have to be prepared.

Tomorrow morning my granddaughter will go to her second grade room.  I will be praying!