I am just coming out of my "loss season." James, Jr. was born still May 2, 1975 and buried May 3.
Then Reita Gale was born still May 31, 1982 and buried June 3. You know how the weeks are leading up and then the weeks aftermath. I'm in the aftermath of this 39th season and it just as well be the first season. I'm so down and no energy. I still need to be "looked after" this far out. I don't understand it. Of course I don't want to forget my babies! But I don't want to feel so bad either. Is this time of year "doomed" for me forever? My answer so far is I imagine so. I mean, look at me! I'm going to be 64 years old in July!!!! I have a fantastic family to enjoy and I do enjoy them. It is just three are missing. ( I lost Abbie in January 1982 to miscarriage)
Sometimes I still wonder the , "why me?" Why didn't this happen to one of my 4 sisters? Why was I the only one out of the 5 of us girls? I don't even have a friend that this happened to! If it had to be the 1 in 4 this happens to, where are the other 3? Could I have known just one of them to have a companion around me who understands?
I am in a place now where I don't want to talk about it ever again to anyone who isn't a BLM. I got off my BLM FB page to get away from it beside the fact that my computer got hacked. Seemed like a sign to get away from it for awhile. I still think of each of you. You can find me on Twitter @Fittsie! I do see some of you there. I still need some part of the BLM world security blanket.
Well, guess if you didn't realize it after reading this, you were just part of my pity party! Thanks for letting me sound off.
I will leave with an up-dated photo taken a month ago. Yes, I do have a lot to be thankful for.
My Family
My hubby and rainbows!
With my youngest granddaughter
With my middle grandchild & my only grandson
This picture melts my heart!
Yes, look at these pictures! I am loved! I am blessed! I am Minus 3
Love you Gale! It still hurts because you will never stop loving the 3 you loss <3 James Jr., <3 Reita Gale <3 Abbie <3 and there is nothing that can fill those holes in your heart until you get to see those babies again. But, your loving husband, Sons, Daughter-in-Laws, and precious Grandchildren help provide a healing band aid for those holes so that you can feel both sad and happy at the same time "Sadappy". It is okay to feel both of those emotions at the same time <3 :`)
ReplyDeleteSuch lovely photos! What a beautiful family you have... but yes, always the three missing. I think it will always feel that way for me to, when and if I have more children. :(
ReplyDeleteEvery year around the anniversary dates, I feel the heaviness as well.
There are so many children I know (both family and friends) who were born around the time Lily was. They are all happy and healthy. I too wonder "why me??"
I'm glad to see you on Twitter!