Guilt

When I started writing my blog last November, it was for my firstborn son, James Collins, Jr. and for my lastborn child, my daughter, Reita Gale, both who were stillborn.  My heart had ached for my two babies for 37 years.  Their faces were forever etched in my heart and mind.  But along my journey of blogging, my mind and heart kept reminding me also of the Saturday morning in January of 1982.  I had a miscarriage that morning at home alone.  I hadn't seen my doctor yet, but was going to that coming week.  In 1982, you didn't even know you were pregnant until about 8 weeks.  Only then would a doctor see you to confirm it.  I called my doctor as soon as I miscarried.  He was busy at the hospital.  The miscarriage was a big deal to me.  Every pregnancy counted.  He didn't want me to come in to be checked or the miscarriage checked.  If I wanted to know for sure if indeed it was a miscarriage, I was told to put the mass on my bathroom counter, take a butcher knife and cut through the center of the mass.  If I heard a "pop" sound, then it was a miscarriage.  I did it.  Like a murderer, I took that knife and cut the mass into.  I heard that "pop" sound.  That sound was the spine being cut into.  As soon as I heard that sound, I realized what I had done.  I had split my baby into.  That sound will forever be etched into my mind and heart.  Then the next thing I did was flush my baby mass down the toilet.  I'm left with those memories.  Who talks about something like that?  The doctor should have had me bring the mass to the hospital and had it examined there.  Last March, I named that baby I miscarried.  He or she had a soul.  It should be named and recognized.  I named her Abba Gale.  You see, I never had another period.  My pregnancy continued.  I was carrying twins.  Abba Gale's twin is Reita Gale was was stillborn several months later on May 31, 1982.  I'm glad I named my blog, Fittsie's Angels because it includes all three of my angels.  My sweet Abba Gale.  You are forever in my heart and in my mind.  You are loved.  I will stop feeling the guilt of leaving you out of the picture.  I will see you in Heaven.  Mama