Tasting Heaven

Pure bliss and peace are what I experienced yesterday at sunrise while on the beach at Ocracoke Island.   I was the only person on this wide beach full of white sand and ocean waves washing up!  I could look as far my eyes could see to experience a oneness with nature, God's beauty.  Ocracoke is just about as far as one can go on the Outer Banks of NC, getting there by a 3 hour ferry ride from where I live.  I was overwhelmed with it all, but drank in the two hours I was alone there. 

It was still dark as I rode down the sandy beach road.  Once I arrived, I turned the headlights off the Jeep.  Daybreak was knocking on the horizon.  I took off my flip flops and let my feet sink in the cool morning sand.  I got my camera out of its bag and started shooting.  I felt the spirits of  my angels with me.  I started writing their names in the sand.  I drew hearts.  I started thinking of my children gone too soon as not only individuals, but as my "Fittsie's Angels."  I wrote Fittsie's Angels in the sand.  It felt good because it covered all three of my angels, James Collins, Jr., Abba Gale and Reita Gale.  Not many know about Abba Gale, Reita Gale's twin that I miscarried.  I felt such a release as I wrote her name finally giving her spirit the recognition deserved.  If you haven't read, Heaven Is For Real, then you are missing out!  It is a short read, but will change you.

Way too soon, I realized that I was getting tired!  I found a new respect for those who write our angels names in the sand.  My back started letting me know it was time to go.  Sadly, I left the beach.
I have the memories of yesterday morning to carry with me forever.  I'm peaceful.  Isn't it ironic how I left the motel and drove in the darkness toward the beach.  A few minutes after arriving, daybreak broke out complete peace for me.  God works in His own way and perfect timing!

I am Gale Fitts or Fittsie.  These are pictures of my morning with my angels, my Fittsie's Angels!

                                                                            

                                                                      Arrival           

                                                                           

 

                                                 
            

                                                                  Stunning!

                                                               My Angels!

                                     May you all feel the peace I felt yesterday morning <3

 

 

 

Divorce

To say that I was blindsided by James Collins, Jr.'s stillbirth at full term is an understatement.  At 24 years of age, I understood none of this except that my guts were ripped out and I could no longer function period.  This was in 1975.  Stillbirth was not talked about.  It was an ugly word.  I felt like I had a Scarlet S on me.  All I ever heard was, don't do this or you shouldn't do that.  I never heard the words, "do remember your baby."  The quietness of not hearing his name or the mention of the horrific birth I had gone through was just erased as a teacher erases the chalkboard at the end of each day.  I was unglued in the most horrible way and found comfort from nowhere on earth.  God was always there for me to cry on His shoulder....my saving grace.

Then I heard a word that just wasn't in my vocabulary.....divorce.  Why was it being said to me that statistics say MOST parents of children who die divorce?  Why were those words being spoken and not words of encouragement?  It would make me so mad when I heard about those stats!  In 1975, there were not many divorces like there are today.  Couples just worked out their problems.  My husband and I were on different pages when it came to grieving.  Why?  Well, because we weren't suppose to be grieving!!!!  After all, we never "knew" our baby.  Our minds should be on having a "replacement baby."  He was scared to bring his grief up to me and grieved up in the top of the storage room at work, where no one could heard his sobs.  I grieved openly and loudly!!!  He was told that if I couldn't hurry up and get over this, I would go mad and never be "normal" again!  So he encouraged me, as hard as it was for him, to move on.  That mad me very angry.  Why didn't anyone understand me?  Neither one of us had been through grief before.  We didn't know how to handle it and it was a big mess.  One thing was for sure though.  Divorce never entered our minds because of our love for each other.  We struggled on.  Once I  was told 6 months into my grief, that because I wasn't returning to "normal" that I should set my husband free.  Divorce him so he could find a normal woman who could give him a live baby.  I can't begin to tell you how I felt.  Not only did I have to deal with my loss of my firstborn, grieving in a situation where grief wasn't allowed, and now this....give my husband his freedom!  He was outraged when I told him what was said to me.  Poor guy, look at what HE was going through!  What an extra burden to put on a young couple!  Honestly, I know the only reason we survived was our deep love.  Bless him because of my being denied the full grieving process, I had many set backs in grief that he had to endure.  Finally, in the 1990's I sought out grief counseling.  It helped some.  The REAL help came from finding the Baby Loss Community last October 2012.  You kind grieving parents took me into your fold.  You allowed me to grieve openly and in turn helped my husband and myself grieve properly for our losses.  We have spent the last year grieving together and shouting out our children's names!  This burden of grief , held inside for so long, exploding into tears unexpectedly at times throughout the past 38 years, has turned into a healthy grief that we can handle together.  Thank you for your support<3

Guilt

When I started writing my blog last November, it was for my firstborn son, James Collins, Jr. and for my lastborn child, my daughter, Reita Gale, both who were stillborn.  My heart had ached for my two babies for 37 years.  Their faces were forever etched in my heart and mind.  But along my journey of blogging, my mind and heart kept reminding me also of the Saturday morning in January of 1982.  I had a miscarriage that morning at home alone.  I hadn't seen my doctor yet, but was going to that coming week.  In 1982, you didn't even know you were pregnant until about 8 weeks.  Only then would a doctor see you to confirm it.  I called my doctor as soon as I miscarried.  He was busy at the hospital.  The miscarriage was a big deal to me.  Every pregnancy counted.  He didn't want me to come in to be checked or the miscarriage checked.  If I wanted to know for sure if indeed it was a miscarriage, I was told to put the mass on my bathroom counter, take a butcher knife and cut through the center of the mass.  If I heard a "pop" sound, then it was a miscarriage.  I did it.  Like a murderer, I took that knife and cut the mass into.  I heard that "pop" sound.  That sound was the spine being cut into.  As soon as I heard that sound, I realized what I had done.  I had split my baby into.  That sound will forever be etched into my mind and heart.  Then the next thing I did was flush my baby mass down the toilet.  I'm left with those memories.  Who talks about something like that?  The doctor should have had me bring the mass to the hospital and had it examined there.  Last March, I named that baby I miscarried.  He or she had a soul.  It should be named and recognized.  I named her Abba Gale.  You see, I never had another period.  My pregnancy continued.  I was carrying twins.  Abba Gale's twin is Reita Gale was was stillborn several months later on May 31, 1982.  I'm glad I named my blog, Fittsie's Angels because it includes all three of my angels.  My sweet Abba Gale.  You are forever in my heart and in my mind.  You are loved.  I will stop feeling the guilt of leaving you out of the picture.  I will see you in Heaven.  Mama

Connecting With Reita Gale

August 19th I participated in Carly Marie's Day of Hope & Prayer Flags.  I have already posted about my prayer flag I made for my firstborn son, James Collins Fitts, Jr.  After I finished his flag, I began to make plans for my only daughter's flag, Reita Gale Fitts.  She was my last born baby.  She was stillborn at 20 weeks on May 31, 1982. My flag reflects my hopes and dreams that were shattered with her death.  I will show you her flag, then tell why I designed it as I did.

                                          Reita Gale Fitts' Prayer Flag of Hope

                                                                 

                                                
                                                                               

 

 

 

The border is made from left over satin blanket material left over from one of my grandchildren's blanket  I made.  I chose green for Spring since she was born May 31, 1982.  I used plenty of pink ribbons for all of the ribbons that would have been in her life....ribbons in her hair, Christening gown,  prom dresses, first corsage, her wedding gown and bouquet.  The pearls represent so much.  They are set in waves for my waves of grief over her loss.  They represent her wedding she should be having or would have had by now.  The pink baby feet are from baby blanket material that represents her pitter patter I never heard.  They are enclosed in a heart with a hole in it which is her heart that stopped beating within my body.  I knew instantly when she quit kicking her tiny feet that she had gone to Heaven. The baby blanket material also represents that she was wrapped in a blanket the hospital for us to hold her.  The Reita Gale cross-stitched heart is for the many things I would never get to teach my daughter and share with her.  The hole in the heart represents the hole in my heart that has never healed, gets deeper instead as I realized she will never have the chance to give me grandchildren or cook a Christmas meal together with laughter. The white starfish represents that she was my 5th child.  The Forget-me-nots flowers are the reassurance that she will never be forgotten as long as I live.  Reita Gale had a twin that I miscarried the January before her stillbirth in May. 

 

Reita Gale's Flag Beside Her Brother's Flag