Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A Letter To My Stillborn Son



    My Baby James Collins, Jr.


     How has thirty-eight years passed by since your birth?  How have I lived without having you physically with me?  It amazes me that I have.  I didn’t want to.  I have missed you so much.  There is a part of me so deeply empty.  It is your space.  It never has been filled by anything or anyone.  I dream of you my sweet son, my James Collins, Jr.  I can still smell the baby powder I used to dust your things with.  I keep baby powder and use it on me, so I can smell you with me.  You know you are my first born.  That is an honor you will always have.  You made me a mother.  I wanted to hold you so much, but no one would let me.  I wanted to be at your funeral, but everyone left without letting me know.  So many people kept our time away from us.  But my sweetheart, you know how we spent those nine months together.  They were the sweetest filled with our secret times together!  You really enjoyed being nestled way up high under my ribs!  That was your special place for nine months.  I guess you were trying to stay as close to my heart as you could.  Did you know your time with me was going to end that second day in May?  I hoped and prayed until the very last.  When you didn’t cry, I thought the doctor could fix it.  Surely God would.  You never did cry.  I was the one who did and for a long time.  I still cry.  I cry for what we have missed together.  I knew you were okay being in Heaven with your Father.  I wasn’t okay, but that wasn’t your fault or mine.  It was just the way it was.  I so badly wanted you back so I could change your diapers, feed you, rock you to sleep, and stroll you outside to hear the birds sing.  I wanted to show you the flowers blooming that spring.  I wanted to lay you in your beautiful white crib and turn on your mobile for you to see.  I still have that mobile in my nightgown drawer.  I pull it out and play it sometimes while I am getting dressed.  I never did get to put you in your crib, but the first day I was alone at home after your birth, I got in it to feel closer to you and I cried for you.  I didn’t know that babies died inside their mommy.  I was a college Summa Cum Laude graduate, tied for the 11th place in my class and I wasn’t smart enough to know that you might die.  Why didn’t I know when I was three months pregnant that you swam around and made two knots in your cord?  All those months I carried you towards life, but that life was not to be with me.  Sometimes I am proud you are in Heaven.  You are in the best place ever!  You got the real deal!  What mother wouldn’t want that for her child?  You never had to live in this dangerous world.  That is some comfort for me. In fact, it is my only comfort.  I wonder often what it is like for you in Heaven.  Do you see me?  I feel like you do.  I remember the night you were so close to me.  It was the first night it rained after you were buried.  Remember?  I cried and wanted to go put a blanket over your grave so you wouldn’t be cold and wet.  You scolded me for worrying about you.  You told me you were with your Father in Heaven.  You wanted me to trust God with your care.  I  have never worried about you since then either.  It’s me.  I just missed doing all of the things a mommy does for her firstborn son.  I was so ready to be a new mother for the first time!  I was so happy and excited about having you, my sweet child.  Everything changed in a moment.  I turned into a sad lonely mommy without her baby to take care of.  Was that bad of me?  Should I have been stronger for you?  I did trust God to take care of you!  God gave me so many mothering instincts that just didn’t disappear because you died.  I didn’t know what to do with those instincts.   I hope you understand why mommy was so sad.  You know, grieving is natural after we lose someone we love so much.  It is very hard to do.  It has been the hardest thing that I have ever done.  I thought I would hurt so deeply forever.  I didn’t know that one day, that fresh grief would dim and not hurt as much.  I have never forgotten you.  I just don’t cry all of the time like I did.  I have told your two brothers all about you.  I still talk about you to them even though they are all grown up.  Do you play with your sister Reita Gale?  How about your other brother or sister?  I call her Abba Gale because the doctor believes she is your sister’s twin.  I have a twin sister, my family has many twins and every one of them are identical, so I just know Reita Gale’s twin is a girl.  You know for sure, don’t you?  I wonder if you are still a baby or did you grow in Heaven.  I think you and your sisters are still babies, but little baby souls since you don’t have your earthly bodies anymore.  Somehow, when I get there, I believe we can hug and cuddle and love each other with kisses and maybe I can rock you.  I’m sure I will recognize you and you me.  Your sisters will be with us and we will be so happy.  Then this empty spot in my heart will be filled.  Maybe this spot isn’t as empty as I thought.  Maybe it does have something in it.  It has hope.  It has love.  My love for you is stored there as well as my hope of one day holding you.  God is going to bring me to you.  It wouldn’t surprise me if you didn’t already know when.  Well, sweet baby of mine, I’m waiting and I’ll be ready.  I have been ready for thirty-eight years.  No one has ever taken your place.  No one ever will.  You are my son, my very firstborn baby.  I cherish you in a very special way because you are my firstborn.  Those nine months we were together will always be close to my heart.  These past thirty-eight years that I have missed you will be worth it when we are together again in Heaven with our Father.  Oh, how much I love you!!!  You are always forever in my heart!


Your Mother
I'm still in darkness of grief.  Your bear is some light as I hold it for comfort.  The light of our reunion is just outside. 
Looking for our light that you are already in.
So lonely for you and wondering how I have made it for 38 unbelievable years without you.
I love watching your pinwheel play in the wind!  I makes me happy!  For now it is the only way I can play with you.

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